My Life has Forever Changed

by Carol Cotter
(Bellingham, mass)

Hello. This is Seans mom,Carol. My son Sean died on November 15.2011. He did not wake up one night for work and our nightmare began. It has been about six weeks. I am so different today than I was on November 12th. I say the 12th because it was the 13th that was the actual day I talked to Sean last and that was the actual day he never woke up.On November 12th I was excited for the holidays because my childrens dad and I have been seperated for about five years. The kids are grown. Sean,24 and two sisters 22 and 15 at the time. I was excited because they were going to be at my house for Christmas dinner. Christmas eve was always more exciting but I was going to make Christmas special. I had bought decorations and started shopping. Two days later my world was crumbling. I was sitting in ICU where I was being told about a blood clot that was destroying my sons organs. How it sat on his heart causing him to have three major heart attacks. Each time oxygen wasnt getting to his brain. I could figure out the rest. I use to be positive and always tell my kids everything would be o.k. Sean use to tell me "mom, you always think everything is good." " you always think things will be ok." Well for the record now I no longer think that way. Nothing is ok now. I can very rarely see good. I do still have two beautiful daughters and I try to be strong for them. When I am by myself I am overwhelmed and cry alot. I use to like to be around people, to go out and enjoy my life. I use to think as long as people I love are ok I am lucky. Now I can not wait to get out of work just to be home where it is quiet. I do go to my youngest daughters basketball games. I try to sit on my own because to be social is just not who I am now. How sad my life is. I cant believe one of the most important people in my world is gone. Forever. That is such a long time now. I find I need to stay only in the day I am in to even survive. How am I suppose to have normal relationships with people. All I think about is Why Him? What is going on? How unfair to him? I really dont know what parents are suppose to do when their world has turned from bright and sunny to dark and miserable. Thank you again for letting me express myself. I really dont know what else to do. Thanks again, Carol, SEANS MOM

Comments for My Life has Forever Changed

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Mar 25, 2012
My thoughts are with you
by: Sarah

Dear All,

I have read your painful stories and I just want to offer my warmth and love from the bottom of my heart. I am a mother to a four year old and I can't imagine what you have been through. I think you are very brave to share your experiences and I only hope in sharing them you can gain some kind of hope that time will make things easier some how. I will pray for you all and your loved ones and just know, that your children will never be gone from you. They live on in your hearts and your daily journey. They are watching over you and loving you. Keep the faith because one day you will be united again. God Bless you all xx

Jan 17, 2012
I'm lost
by: Anonymous

My 20-year old son died in his sleep on January 1, 2012. We greeted the New Year together as a family and watched a movie. We hugged. He went to sleep to never wake up again. What happened? Why? Whose fault? Why us? Why did he suffer? What now? I feel so touched by the works of the evil. I feel a terrible sorrow and then, I don't believe it really happened. How do I go on?

Jan 16, 2012
The Why of Death - a quote shared
by: Anonymous

The Why of Death

"Right now you might not be feeling very close to God. You might be thinking, Where is God? Does God really care? How could He let this happen? What does my future hold?

Dr. Robert Jeffress shares the response of a man who lost three of his seven children through horrible deaths to leukemia: "When somebody asks him, 'How could you keep believing in a God who would allow you and your children to experience such a tragedy?', this is what he says, 'In those kind of experiences you have two choices: You can either give up or you can keep believing in God even when it doesn't make sense. Faith means something when it's exercised in the darkness.'"

Dr. Jeffress adds his own insight: "I believe that faith means something when you don't understand the whys. I don't think God ever condemns you for asking why. But in the ultimate analysis, the question is not why but it is Who? God calls on you to believe in Him who said, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes to the Father but by me. I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live again' [John 14:6, 11:25]. Ultimately you must trust in that."

Jan 16, 2012
I understand
by: Laura


My heart goes out to you, and I am sorry for the loss of your son.

My story is similar to yours but different. Like you, I lost a child, my daughter, Heather, on October 11, 2011. Also like you, I have 2 younger children.

Also like you, I try to get through each day one at a time. I work, and I can't wait to get out of work so that I can be alone. When I'm alone, I think of my daughter.

I no longer look forward to life. I used to be an energetic, hardworking person. Now, I ask what for???

I try to be there for my sons. I know that they need me. A piece of me is gone. I know your pain and understand your pain... unfortunately I don't have an answer for you as I have no answer myself....

Jan 14, 2012
Is there a God
by: Anonymous

Dear Friends,

We all have beliefs that we hold dear. Then tragedy strikes making us doubt any faith we ever had. Reality is,there is a God of heaven and when this earth passes away, He will still be there. There is none greater. His word says that His thoughts are higher than ours. My thoughts are not reliable. They can change back and forth depending on what is happening in my life. The loss of a beloved child can cause us to lose our grip on God. I did. I did not realize that I blamed Him for my loss. It is cruel when others claim to know our hidden secrets and prey on us when we are weak and we walk away with our pockets empty. During grief, we are likely to seek answers from anyone claiming to have private information, but how did they get it? Something to think about. God is the only one who can calm your soul with words of comfort. He will walk with you through your grief if you allow Him to. He helped me more than anyone else could. Blessings, GT

Jan 13, 2012
the same club
by: Anonymous

Hi Carol, I too lost my world on 8.10.2011. Nothing is the same.I am so sorry for you, as I am sorry for myself and my daughter. My beautiful son was taken from me by a delivery driver who drove him off the road, he didnt even stop to help him, just left him dying on the roadside and the police cant prosecute him because there were no witnesses! All I can say to you is it doesnt get better, it gets different. 3 months have passed now and I still think about Jake every minute of every day, nothing except my daughter is important anymore, I just want to smile from my heart again and not just a front for everyone else. I too visit Jake's grave most days and sit and talk to him, sometimes I cry and sometimes I just sit. I cry every day at some point, and some days are better than others for no reason whatsoever. I now do whatever I have ever wanted to do, I went to Africa on a horseback safari in November with my daughter (lifelong ambition) and am going to Australia with her for 3 weeks in Feb. I wouldnt have done any of this if Jake was still here, my husband (not Jake's Dad) doesnt want to come with me so I just now think "just do it on your own", be kind to yourself, now is the one time in a mother's life that it is definitely allowed, be selfish, please yourself not others. It is the only way I am coping at the moment and I know that wherever in the world I go, Jake will be with me. I went to see a medium a month ago and she was marvellous, told me things that only I know, things that made me believe that Jake is still around, I dont believe in God because our children would not be dead if there was a God, but I now completely believe in the afterlife and I do believe that they are still with us all of the time. There are no words that anyone can say to you and nothing that anyone can do, just try to keep strong and as I say be kind to yourself and I hope and pray that one day we will both be able to genuinely remember our children with a smile and without the saddness that they are no longer here. Unfortunately nobody can know what we are feeling unless they have been there themselves, and that is a club that non of us want to be part of. Just do whatever you feel you have to do to get through each day, that is what I do until the day I can see my gorgeous baby again. Take care x

Jan 10, 2012
our children
by: Anonymous

Hi Carol...I'm 17 months out from lost my son as of yesterday. He was 23 and died of leukemia after 2 years of suffering. He died as I held him and sang a song to him that I sang when he was a baby. My heart is forever broken. Right now it is very new and raw for you. As the days go by you begin to realize that you can move forward one step, one breath at a time. A few things that have helped me:
1. journaling
2. joining my local Compassionate Friends and attending their monthly meetings
3. A couple of facebook groups that have helped are Grieving Mothers and The Compassionate Friends....
Make sure you talk about your son and that you allow yourself to grieve as you see fit. Do not let others dictate when your grieving should end. It's not about them. Most of all, hang in there. You've joined the one club you've never wanted to be in but there are many of us in this club and we all hold each other up as we walk this journey of grief.
Shirley in California

Jan 10, 2012
a thought
by: Erin

This just happend. Your feeling are raw right now. Each day will get a little better. My little brother lost his battle with depression and died this Christmas day. This is my belief, and it has really helped me. I believe in Jesus. I believe in heaven and hell. My brother lived 6 hours from us and due to an injury had to move here with us. I think God was lining things up. He was also battling alcoholism. While living with my mother he started going back to church and really getting into it. He joined a christian recovery group. His heart was right with God. I believe he went home to be with God while his heart was right with him. Maybe down the road he would have gotten into a darker path and not made it to heaven. I think God maybe takes many of us when our hearts are right with him. Just knowing that this isnt the end and I will see my little brother again one day brings some comfort. Losing a son has to be more painful than i can imagine. Dont fight your feelings, what you are feeling is ok. In time you will get better, but you need time. Prayers to you and your family

Jan 09, 2012
Just one moment at a time
by: cynthia

Carol, I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my son to a blood clot to the lungs. There was no warning, just one moment here and the next moment gone. His fiance found him, he was already gone. I often think it may have been a blessing, if she had been there and he had been put on life support etc, similar to Sean, it would just prolonged the horror that I would go through and that you had to go through.
My son has been gone almost 9 months now and I can tell you that it does not really get any less painful but you do learn to get through your day and even find a moment where the pain eases. I remember the first few months just feeling such pain, loneliness, so extremely sad. I did not want to see or talk to people. I really did not want to live, I wanted to die too. I have now found that you need to try to get out and try to do some things that may help you feel better. Long walks with my dog always helps me.
You do need to just live one moment at a time, you will be in the depths of such pain and think you cannot go on and then you get through that moment and think okay, I got through it. You do need to face the pain head on and cry as much as you need too. You need to talk about your son as much as you can and have others talk about him too. I have pictures of my two sons all over the home and to look at them makes me cry but that is okay. I love to see his face , it reminds me of all the beautiful times we shared and how lucky I was to be his mom. Please hang in, you will have days that are easier and moments when you will think of your son and smile. You need to be here for yourself and your family, your son would not want it any other way.
Trust me, you will get through this.
Cynthia, James mom

Jan 09, 2012
by: Nicolette

Dear Carol, I was just trying to find a helpful support article for a friend of mine when I noticed your post. I don't know when you wrote it, but even now, on January 9 2012, 15 November 2011 seems like a very short while ago.
It is good to write about your feelings even though you may not immediately find relief from doing so. If I were you, I would write a journal. Just blurt it all out. Friends will understand why you hurt but after a while they may not want to hear it anymore, even though it is still consuming you for years after. I don't think it is a pain that will ever go away, but in time the pain will become less. Usually only very little by little. I have friends who lost children. I lost a pet and it took me four years to get over him. My mother died when I was 42 and it took me ten years to accept it without crying when I thought of her.
Losing a child is undoubtedly much, much more painful.
If you can join a discussion group about this kind of grief, or find a forum online, that could also help you. Whatever you do, don't bottle up your grief, but also don't talk about it to the 'wrong' people as it's hard for them to really relate to unless they've gone through the same.
If you feel depressed, be careful with medication. You can become dependent on it and in the long run can make you ill. I have always found much help with emotional issues by taking the drops of the Bach Flower essences. There are almost 40 different types. They really helped me recently when I felt lost due to hormonal changes and too much aloneness. Meditation can also help.
I wish you much strength and guidance to help you through this unbearably difficult time.

Jan 09, 2012
darling brendon
by: vicky

Hi Carol, on the 26th of nov our son Brendon rang me at 12.41 to see where I was, we were christmas shoppping, I only spoke to him for 13 seconds, he then got on his motor bike and went for a ride at 2pm he was hit by a car that didnt give way to him,he was on life support for 8 days then he was declared brain dead, Brendon want to be an organ donor,so we did that for him, he saved 5 mens lives for christmas.
We have lost our darling son that everyone whoever met him loved him, he was full of fun and really lived his life. He was a builder and did our house for us, now we just live with the memories of him, I cry every day for him and panic when I think I will never see him in this life again, my friend tells me to move on and get over it but he was not her child he was mine and I will never get over him, he always seemed to need me more than the other kids, life is so sad all the time now. People tell me it will be like it for years,is life worth going through that, the lonely feeling will not go away I just want him back. Vicky

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