MY LIFE IS MY MESSAGE
by SATISH TALAVAR
The Final Journey…….
I am Satish.Talakal This page all about my mother. My mother was just 62 years old when she lost her battle with colon cancer. It was deep shock to our whole family. Dr told us she was in the last stages of colon cancer.
When my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer & was relapsed after a year back. She had undergone a surgery in which a part of colon was removed & she had a colostomy. After that It was miserable, for reasons not known, she was stuck at home with intolerable pain. At the end she was over chemo drugs & stopped taking it. In last month, she was in terrible pain & barley conscious due to all morphine drugs.
I had been to work on that misery day, My mother died of colon cancer afternoon on Jan 21st 2013. My mother passed away from this earthy life to heaven to accompany my father, my mother had been Unconscious for last three days, She Used to open her eyes only when we moved her to make her comfortable from comfortless posture. My sister was always beside her, My brother & sister woke Up at nights & listen to her tough breathing, as the space between her breaths grew longer & longer.
She had the disease for three long years. After losing our beloved dad she lived with my sister, & then my mother lived with me. I took care of her with the help & support of my sister, brother & Manish, My mother’s family & friends extended the support both mentally & financially.
My mother couldn’t walk, couldn’t sit, then she stopped talking, until I was Unable to lift her any more. I had put her in my house which is next to my sister’s house. I used to see her every day, to feed her, to ease the pain. She was living with me in my house for two & half years before she left abode. It is a very painful & hardship to care on someone you love very much.
It was the most agonizing time in my life & at times I feel haunted by it. I'm so comforted by the fact that my mom isn't sufferings anymore. She fought so hard for her life & I’ had never been so proud & in awe of another person than when I witnessed the dignified & valiant way my mother lived & died.
My mother was a gentle person, even when the cancer ruined her, which is very Unusual; in the final stages of cancer you lose almost all intellectual abilities, almost all speech & motor coordination & all memory, you recognize no one, & remember nothing, the self is gone. Comfort care is all that is required at this stage you need to be bedded, bathed, feed, & protected from harm. This stage is heart breaking, but the Dr. says that the patient sufferings are done with it, as she is no longer capable of knowing anything. Sometimes I wonder if this was true….when my mother dies it is like someone cuts a piece of Ur heart with a sharp knife. I remember all the words spoke to me, some were funny, some kind, some wise, all things you did for me, I see now with different eyes. I remember every moment we shared, seems like only yesterday, or maybe it was some years ago, It's really hard to say, you are gone from me now, but one thing nobody can take away it’s the memory resides inside my heart & lights Up my darkest days...
God saw you getting tired & no cure was to be......so he put His arms around you & whispered "Come to me". With tearful eyes I was watching you; although I loved U dearly....I could not make you stay with me. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working came to rest. God broke my heart to prove to me, He only takes the best. If tears could build a stairway. & memories were a lane; I would walk right Up to heaven to bring you back home again. No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye you were gone before I knew it, & only God knows why, my heart still aches in sadness & secret tears still flow. What it meant to lose U, no one will ever know.
I want to know you are at home & everything is all right, but it's not so. “Sweet smile on your face as you sleep the pain away, Resting in God's arms now, A face that is always on my mind, A smile I have seen a million times, Two eyes that would light Up the sky at night, One last battle you could not fight, The day was long, then night ...... That moment when I realize she is gone & out of my life. The feeling of complete emptiness, depression, loneliness... Knowing that you won't ever get back…
NOW My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning & I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can.
Once I finished the letter, a smile & tears streaked my face, we lose so many in our lives. After I put the letter down, I called my mother on the phone & just said “I LOVE YOU MOM” - real HUMAN BEING to me.
My Dear Mother, on June 28TH 2013 you was blessed with a great grandchild. Your great granddaughter’s name is “akka”
I miss you & still cry every day. I have found there are friends & relatives who wants’ me to cheer Up. I want to scream & cry to get mom back.
WHEN I’M ALONE, I THINK
WHEN I THINK, I REMEMBER.
WHEN I REMEMBER, I FEEL PAIN.
WHEN I FEEL PAIN, I CRY.
WHEN I CRY, I CAN’T STOP
PLEASE LIVE ME ALONE……