My Life, my Soul, my beautiful MOM

by Christaki
(New Jersey, USA)

It was March 19th at 4:30 in the morning when the phone rang and I immediately knew that this was the call I was dreading for many years as my parents lived in Greece. My cousin was crying hysterically on the other end that she is going she is not holding on any longer and at that point I felt the most helpless I have ever felt in my life. For this one time there was nothing I could do, nothing I could say and I could not be near her at a time when I am sure she was terrified by what was happening and I could not comfort her.
I know if she would have wanted anyone there it would have been me as I was her baby the youngest of three boys and the light of her life. We went through everything together and we had more of a mother daughter relationship as we were as close as could be.
I sat on the other end of the phone just crying hysterically trying to make sense of what was happening but I could do nothing and I just sank to the floor crying hysterically. I could not believe that my beautiful sweet mother was passing away as I sat there six thousand miles away and I would no longer hold her or kiss her or tell her how much I loved her and she would not be there to guide me any longer and to give me encouragement and advice.
The next phone call I received was half an hour later from my brother and he just plainly said mom has passed on and at that point life changed forever and it will never be the same. No matter how much time goes by no matter how many stages you go through the pain gets worse every day, the feelings of loneliness and missing her are uncontrollable.
My mom like all moms was the most special person in my life and I would and have done anything for her as she was a saint of a person to everyone.
She taught me to give, to be humble, to be generous and caring and most of all, she taught me to love.
I can’t get over that fact that she is gone and I spend hours crying about it.
Her story is only made worse for me as I recently found out that my father was verbally and physically abusing her and nobody did anything to stop it or let us know on this side of what was going on. My mom had mild dementia and thus was not 100% and we had a woman at the house all day to cook and clean and take care of her for several years. This woman decided it was easier to turn her head and say nothing so she doesn’t get fired by my father and she keeps making money. I don’t know how people can live with themselves as she knew what was going on and I visited Greece once a month as I was living in London the last three years and she never once said anything.
I feel even worse that I did not know and I could not help my dear mother from my jackass father who I don’t speak to anymore obviously.
I am angry at this woman but at the neighbors as they would hear my poor mother crying out for help and nobody did anything not a damn thing I am so angry I would wish nothing but bad things on all of these people that knew and kept to themselves. This is such a terrible story as if it were not bad enough I lost my mom then to find out all these things the feelings of guilt and shame I am feeling are immeasurable as I should have known, could I have known and why didn’t I know is all I think about. The poor little woman suffered at the hands of my tyrant father for years and I kept living my life like nothing was going on because I had no idea and I feel very bad about this and very guilty she needed me to protect her and take care of her and I couldn’t because she was far away and I had no idea this was going on.
I can never see or speak to my father again and I have no feelings whatsoever towards him of compassion or anything.
I lost my darling sweet mother and I will never have her back and this will certainly not get easier and I miss her so very much. I just wish I could tell her one more time Thank you for making me the man I am and that I love her with all my heart.
I miss you mom,

Love,
Your little boy

Comments for My Life, my Soul, my beautiful MOM

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Jul 04, 2012
My Life, my Soul, my beautiful MOM
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Christaki
I am sorry for the loss of your beautiful mother. You are in the first stages of grief. If you get stuck in grief. Go and see a bereavement counsellor to help you work with your grief. I say this to all people on this website. If you lose someone through suicide. Seek out a bereavement counsellor to help you through this as this is a difficult death to deal with on your own.
Christaki. Your mother called you. This is a clue to how much she loved you and felt confident that you were the one she could trust. You were the one she would reach out to and be the last one in her life even by phone. If your mother wanted to be rescued I am sure she would have reached out to you to come and get her. As an older mother. I can tell you that we come from old school. We come from a culture where we respect our husbands and what they say goes. WE take our marriage vows seriously. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE. IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. TILL DEATH DO US PART. Us women live with dignity and your mother was dignified even till her last breath. She honoured your father come what may. In reality this is not for everyone. but it is true to life in many cultures. It may have been a cultural thing that kept your mother a private person. My husband was like this due to his culture. You will have deep deep Sorrow for a long time. Grief is something you have to express till healing takes place. We are all in this grief with you. At the moment you will despise your father for how he behaved towards your mother. But in time you may want to confront him about your mother's death just so that you can find closure for yourself and be able to move forward. You will then be able to find out why your father behaved the way he did. Your mother had the onset of dementia. This is difficult to live with. Everyone has their tolerance level and perhaps your father snapped. You won't know till you speak to him. But don't do it now. You will feel very angry with everyone. This also is part of your grief. You have to give yourself permission to feel the anger and do what you need to do for yourself in grief. It is hard losing your support of encouragement. Love. happiness. with your mother. I hope that you get the support you need and can feel better in the days ahead. Grief is for Life. But the pain will subside.

Jul 04, 2012
,,,
by: Anonymous

I am sure she knows how much you love and miss her.
In time may your heart heal and joyful memories comfort you.

Jul 03, 2012
Touching
by: Louise

Your words are touching. Be strong. Sounds like you mom raised a smart and caring son.

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