My Life No Longer Has Any Purpose!!!

by Don Koon
(Peoria, Arizona)

My Life No Longer Has Any Purpose!!!
On the 22nd of April 2013 the love of my life and my wife of almost fifty five years succumbed to viral congestive heart failure. She was diagnosed with this insidious condition in mid-February, eight days later with a pace maker / defibrillator implanted she was sent home, a week later the defibrillator went off and she was rushed back to the hospital. Three more days and many adjustments to her infernal machine and she was sent back home, one week later and it went off again three times before the paramedics could get her loaded and back to the hospital, in the ER she had eleven more incidents. For those not familiar with these devises they shock your heart back into rhythm, Jill’s description was that it felt like she had swallowed an electric eel and it was mad at her. A technician was finally able to recalibrate it but by that time her conditioned had worsened and I believe that she lost the will to continue fighting. She had asked for our Pastor when she went into the ER the last time and Reverend Pat visited with her most of that day and almost daily over the next four weeks both in the hospital and at the hospice where she spent her final week. I would like to commend the staff at the hospital and at the hospice, I feel that these were some of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever met.

Lord I miss that Lady.
Jill had lost her sight over a long period of time and while she had many resources to help her cope I was her primary resource, fixing meals, selecting clothes and being her window to the world. Now with her gone I feel like all of my purpose is gone, I have family but they have their jobs and families and other interests. They do visit and I talk with them on the phone but I still have so much time alone that I feel completely lost. Attending grief counseling sessions hasn’t done much for me, I can only pray that time will ease my hurt.
Thank you for caring.

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Sep 01, 2013
~~~We on this site know what you are feeling !!!
by: Lynne...

To the last person to write to Don...We on this site especially those of us who lost our spouses,,,know EXACTLY what you are feeling and EXACTLY what you are saying...I know for me, I have experienced just what you talk about, the wandering around, and laying very still, to feel as if your still close to him....mine was only 2 months ago, last night I cried myself to sleep and cried when I woke up....I dont know how or when Ill ever get over this pain, but, everyone tells me I will...HANG IN THERE !!! thats what they say....and I guess, have to say it to you WILL ease and get less....Dont quit or give up...

Aug 31, 2013
lost my husband on feb 21, 2012
by: Anonymous

a healthy viral 59 yr old handsome of my life....i think you try to pick up all the pieces and go on with your life..but nothing ever seems real anymore no matter who you talk to or what you do.. i always feel alone even if im with family and friends...i try hard every day to make the best of my life...but really i would just rather watch tv or lay real still...and meditate...its like when i lay down i can feel like im closer to daughter called me today after her young friend died of cancer and she said mom i realize im a very mi nute person....guess after a while you realize that its just going to be this way and that the only way to get through it is just to survive it...what other choice do we have...

Aug 24, 2013
My life no longer has any Purpose
by: silver

Dear Don,I want you to know you are not alone.There are many of us on this site who have sent their other half on ahead of them.My love left on May 29,2011.It has been a little over 2 yrs and I still grieve.My love told me once that grief doesn't go away it just gets easier to handle.I hold onto this.This site has been my life saver.Like you I tried grief counseling and it didn't help.I think no one can know how much it devastates someone to lose the love of their life unless it happens to them.I don't know what I thought would happen....that we would go at the same time.My mom died 7 months after my dad(they were married 64 yrs)and I didn't want to do that to our kids.It was hard but I am getting better.I am beginning to go out to the store,church and do more things around the house.Check out some of the poetry on this site.There are some really good ones that really let you know that we are all there for you.Keep us posted.I keep us all in my prayers. GOD send you strength and peace

Aug 23, 2013
by: Lawrence

Writing is wonderful therapy to help us get over the terrible nightmare of losing the one person we love more than life itself.
My wife and I also met when we were very young, she was 14 and I was 15 and the love was instantaneous, surprising at such a tender age, we were never apart again until I did my national service in the R.A.F and the babies arriving but I am a great believer in destiny, I feel it was all in the blueprint of life, and I am so grateful for the near 70 years we had together.
As I said in my last letter I am in the eighth month of my loss and the deep knowledge that my wonderful wife has died has finally been accepted by my brain but not unfortunately not my heart and as I throw a kiss to her photograph every evening I still can’t stop the tears from falling but the pain is lessening.
I try to fill my days, I have started taking violin lessons in preparation to joining an orchestra in September, when my teacher asked me when I had my last lesson I told her 1943 and she replied with a smile “Well we have some catching up to do”
Believe me Don, the pain does get easier but I feel the heartache will take a little longer if ever.
Music is a great healer and if you can buy a guitar and a tuition book it’s amazing how quickly you will learn a few chords and as you play you may feel Jill is listening. I serenade my wife every evening playing her favorite songs like “MOON RIVER” “THE MOUNTAINS OF MOURNE” and “THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM”I still can’t sing the words without crying but if she is listening I know she will be smiling.
The following prayer has helped me a lot as we consider the inevitability of our lives
Take care

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Aug 22, 2013
Thank you all who responded
by: Don Koon

To everyone who has responded, from the bottom of my heart I thank you.
Only those who have walked in these shoes can understand true loneliness of losing a spouse. Jill was not only my wife, she was my inspiration. When I felt down or that the present task was too difficult I would remember that she faced the same difficulties and coped without the benefit of sight, and usually with a smile all the while thanking the lord for what she had, humbled I would then find the strength to conquer the task. Jill came into my life when she was only a few days past her 15th birthday and I was not quite 17 we married 3 years later and were together until the heavens called her home. I cherish the time that we had together and will relive those wonderful memories the rest of my days.
Doreen, you are absolutely correct a strong belief in our God truly gives the strength to carry on but I am not sure you are correct that men are better at moving on, but then at this point I really have nothing to judge by. Thank you for caring.
Lawrence, My condolences to you, 62 years is time for a wonderful life together, you were truly blessed. Your quote that “GRIEF IS THE PRICE WE PAY FOR LOVE” is generally attributed to Queen Elizabeth II, and I feel that sums up our plight beautifully. God Bless You
Alan, My condolences to you on the loss of your wife. I fully understand your loss. Please be assured that you are in our prayers.
Lawrence, Thank you again, part of your message hit the nail on the proverbial head. While I do not consider myself much of a writer (I spent my entire working life in automotive service) two months ago I started putting into written word many of the bits and pieces of our life together to share with our children. So far I have gotten thru our courtship and first three years of marriage. Every time I complete a few pages I e-mail these that way if something happens to me they will have everything that was completed. I would agree with you and recommend some form of writing as truly great therapy. God Bless you.
To all who of you that wrote anonymously, I wish that I had names so that I could include you in my prayer by name. And yes many men speak lovingly of their wives, mine came as close to being an angel as ever trod the earth and I am now grateful that I told her how I felt frequently.
Thank you to all of you and God Bless

Aug 20, 2013
It feels like my guts are being yanked out !!
by: Recently HURTING!!!

My (How do I put into words what my heart feels?)husband of 25 years(compared to the rest of these comments thats nothing)....recently passed on 7-02-13...Sometimes I still feel as if I m in a horrible bad dream....sometimes Im ok, until a memory or something said, worn, looked at, etc., etc., etc.,steals my heart again....He was the LOVE of my life, this one was tops, the cats meow, the most wonderful...and now He is gone.!!!, gone from my sight..You bet...I am still in a GREAT amount of hurt...I can go on, but, my eyes ache from all the guts feel as if they have been yanked out right through my skin....
Every one of you have hit the nail right exactly on the top of its head...
Someone said this is the most pure pain one ever feels...WOW ! is it!!!
I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy...
Thanks for the words so far to Don, they too have helped me...

Aug 18, 2013
So sorry
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to read about your wife. I am on this site because I lost my beloved father to Sudden Cardiac Arrest 7 months ago. I am having a horrible time of it, and my mother,(wife of almost 50 years), is handling it even worse. They had a wonderful marriage and beautiful life together. I hope you stay here and read all of the kind and supportive words that are written here. Even though we have arrived here at different times, and under different circumstances, the raw pain and emotion is the same. I am on this journey toward healing as well and can only offer you comfort and peace in the days ahead.

Aug 18, 2013
You're Not Done Yet
by: Anonymous

Don, It' always a surpirse to have men speak so lovingly of thier wives. It restores my faith in men. It's a shame your your is gone but she is no longer suffering. It's us who are left behind who suffer the greatest loss . I will never know how my husband would speak of me at my death becasue he passed 3 years ago.

I pray God gives you the strength to get through this horrible roller coaster ride of grief and on to the peaceful acceptance side.

You are not done yet Don. If you hae Sons or Daughters you're still important to them and your purpose is to be there for them and them for you.

Our loves are gone but will forever live in our hearts.

Aug 18, 2013
helping you
by: Lawrence

I was up in the night worrying about you and remembering the grief and pain I went through when I lost my beloved wife, the stretching out of the hand in bed hoping it was just a bad dream and finding the empty space, I still do it although my brain has accepted she has gone, I guess I always will..
Those words of yours “LORD I MISS THAT LADY” tore at my heartstrings and brought tears to my eyes; I know just how you feel as does everyone on this site
We all have an ache in our hearts that nothing seems to shift.
Now to help you get over this nightmare and believe me you will never suffer such pain as this again in your life.
I know your motivation to do anything has gone but you must fight it, get out of your house, I won’t call it a home because without the love of your life there, it becomes just a house, do anything but stay in, go to the local library as I do every day and read the newspapers, you seem computer literate so start writing a book or short story, it doesn’t matter if it is rubbish, I have been writing for thirty years and it’s all rubbish, nobody ever read them except my lovely wife and the family but I have a cupboard full of my books and I find writing takes my mind of my misery. I must admit I had writers block after my loss but it is coming back and I have just started a new novel, so sit at your computer and write anything, the story of your love affair, wonderful memories you have of past holidays, anything…it does help.
I don’t know what your occupation was (I take it you have retired) but put it into a book. I wrote one called “THE DIARY OF A LANDLORD” although I am a landlord it was mainly fiction and was fun writing it.
The important thing is keep occupied and as the months pass the pain, anguish and tears will lessen, as it has with me but it will never go away completely.
I hope my sleepless night has brought you some comfort and helped you to start living again, I know it’s hard but life has to go on and believe me your life has a purpose
Take care

Aug 18, 2013
You are not alone
by: Alan

Don, my deepest condolences. Losing the love of one's life shatters one's soul and changes everything you thought you knew. I lost my Donna to lung cancer 19 months ago after 34 years of marriage. She was only 52 and not a day goes by that I don't realize what a great woman she was, in every way. I consider myself a blessed man to have shared my life with this beautiful person, but there are days when I don't know what I'll do or how I'll be able to go on.
Doreen and Lawrence are wise, thoughtful, caring folks as is everyone in here. Read what they have written and digest their words, come back often and never forget you are not alone. Take care of yourself the best you can, Don, the road ahead will be a long, winding one, but friends and family with caring hearts who are willing to just listen can help ease your broken heart.

Aug 17, 2013
no longer any purpose
by: Anonymous---MI

Don, You have my sympathy in the loss of your dear wife. We, on this site, know how you feel and each of our losses came about differently but have ended the same way. We, who are left behind, are in such sorrow each day and night. Our spouses are gone on to the joy of heaven and we know they are in such happiness that we cannot begin to imagine it. My love--my best friend--my husband of 43 yrs died Nov. 2012 of SCA and my world stopped. It has been 9 months since he died and I cry every day and feel my loss more now than at first. We must try to adapt to a life that is without our loves--we try to carve a path that we must travel alone. But, God is with us===He is our refuge and help and our only answer to living each day and not falling apart. God is our only hope of coping with this grief. May God give you and all of us strength.

Aug 17, 2013

I have been in exactly your position, I was married for sixty two years and been a couple for nearly seventy, I also saw to my beautiful wife’s every need towards the end of her life but thankfully I didn’t have to see her suffer as you did, she died in an instant, one minute talking the next she was dead, the shock was unbelievable and to this day seven months later I am still can’t forget her sudden passing. I closed her eyes on her deathbed, thanked her for the wonderful life we had together, told her how much I loved her, kissed her goodbye and that was the end of a seventy year love affair.
I know how devastated and heartbroken you are feeling, you can’t believe she is not here to discuss things to laugh and squabble but in every relationship sooner or later one of you must leave and I guess it was her turn.
Like me you must be thankful to the good Lord for the long wonderful life you had together and try to survive although you feel it’s the last thing on your mind, but you must for your children’s sake.
Having found this website you will realize you are not alone and we have all been through the nightmare of losing someone we loved more than life itself, I hope you get solace from reading our sad stories.
Don’t give up hope Don, believe me the intense pain and agony will slowly pass, as I said at the beginning I am in the seventh month of my loss and the tears don’t flow as easily as they did but I am still heartbroken and still cry at being alone.
“GRIEF IS THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR LOVE” and you and all of us are paying that price.
There are no happy endings in life, it’s just life.
You are in all our prayers

Aug 17, 2013
My Life No Longer Has Any Purpose!!!
by: Doreen U.K.

Don I am sorry for your loss of your beloved wife of 55yrs. This is how most of us feel when we have lost a loved one or our other half. We also feel as if our purpose for living has ended. God created us for relationship and Love. God said it is not good for man to be alone so he created his mate. I think this is where we feel our sense of LOSTNESS FROM. Our inner core of our being. This is why it hurts so much and takes so long to heal from. You may feel that your grief counselling is not working only because the process of healing from loss is so very SLOW. It is much faster to heal from an operation than from grief.
I was married 44yrs. and lost my husband 15 months ago to cancer. Plunged into a world now of loneliness and emptiness. Just like you I have family all living their own busy lives. At our age is so very difficult to have to restructure our life again. But we have no choice to do this. Knowing God not only helps us with our grief but also knowing that we will see our loved one's again when Jesus comes back for us as He promised. But for now I take one day at a time and with God's Help I am now putting PURPOSE as best as I can back into life. My husband was my first and my Last Love of my life . God FIRST. So I guess it is just God and Me now. It is going to be a long journey without our loved one's. We can only let life unfold as it will. Men are (I think)? better at Life and moving on and perhaps find a companion than a woman. Or perhaps I have just (as my sister says) lived a sheltered life? so it is much harder to move on. Life can only become now what we make of it. But it still takes time to find a new way of coping with our loss and living life alone. I hope that you will find your way back from grief into a life that will bring you happiness again from your loss. It won't be easy to grieve your loss of 55yrs. together. Take one day at a time. It does get easier in time. Don't give up Hope. God go with You.

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