My life without my "Locke"

by Erica Aku
(Saint John)

On February 21 2010, my friend John Locke Churchill died of cancer. He'd been fighting it for about 2 years and even through all the tough times and all the surgeries, I just thought of him as indestructible, like nothing bad could ever happen to him.

I was at school the next day when my friend came up to me and told me, she'd found out a while before and didn't want to tell me because I was so happy. My first reaction was that it was a sick joke, then later clued in, I cried for the rest of the day, then just became angry. Not angry at my friend for telling me, or God for taking my "Locke" away from me, but at myself.

I had felt so much guilt because 2 days before he died I was supposed to have visited him, but my Father didn't let me. So lately my way of dealing has just been with anger, now the smallest things set me off and all because I still have difficulty looking at a blue sky because John had blue eyes. I can't wake up happy, knowing that he isn't doing the same thing, and I miss how he hugged me, he was probably the only guy in the world who made me feel like I could do anything.

So now I'm on the rugby team, playing a sport he thought I could do, and I wear the jersey with the number 26 on it because it was his birthday, to make me feel like I'm closer to him. But every night I pray that he isn't angry at me for not saying good-bye to him, because I would give ANYTHING in the world to have 1 more moment with him, either to say good-bye or just to hug him one last time.

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May 01, 2010
I know how you feel
by: Michela

I know exactly how you feel. I lost one of my best friends to cancer on march 29 2010. She was diagnosed with liver cancer in December and died in March. It all happened so fast. And know I feel like I'm missing a piece of my soul. And I know all about the anger and guilt you feel. I wish I could explain how to control your emotions, but all you can do is just remind yourself that he's no longer in pain, and that he islooking down at you hoping you're doing all the things that he thought you could do.

As much as you don't want to hear this, I'm sure he knows how much you loved him and even though you weren't able to say goodbye in person, he knows.

One thing that helped me was I choose a star in the sky and named it Kathy. I talk to her every night. I tell her about my day and how much I miss her in my life. It may sound a little crazy, but it works for me right now. Because to think that I will never be able to hug her or tell her how much I love her ever again is just too painful to bear right now, so talking to a star is my release. I really hope that this has given you some comfort knowing you're not alone, and as time passes you will cry less and remember more of the good times that you guys spent together.


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