My Little Guardian Angel

by Jacqueline V.
(Rhode Island)

I am 18 years old, I found out I was pregnant in September, I am perfectly healthy the baby was healthy at 7 weeks old then 5 weeks passed it was my next ultrasound to see how the baby is doing and to see if there is any signs that baby may have any down syndrome. As I was getting checked I was looking at the ultrasound technician’s face and I noticed that something was wrong from her facial features and she came out of nowhere and said there’s no heartbeat I’ll be back and left the room. I was shocked and scared and asked my mother what’s wrong and the doctor came in apologizing about my loss and I told her to wait because I had no idea what happen with my baby and she told me I had a miscarriage, I felt devastated and felt that I've done something wrong. My baby actually died at 8 weeks and I had no symptoms of a miscarriage so I actually thought my baby was healthy. My mom held me and I felt so helpless she called my boyfriend and he was sad and she called my dad and I could hear him on the phone saying “no this can’t be happening” as the day went I was in bed didn't want to eat or speak to anyone. I had an appointment to have a D&C at the end of the week and I was scared and hard headed because I had hope my baby was alive because a lot of woman I talked to said that happen to them and their baby were alive so I didn't want to get the D&C as the week went by I got so sick the night before my surgery I was rushed to the hospital the nurses told me my heartbeat was so fast and my blood pressure was super high then I realized the baby was making me sick. That night I had a dream that a had a baby girl and she was blind then I woke up and that’s when I realized maybe God didn't give me my baby because he/she were going to have problems that I couldn't handle so I was ready for the surgery. After the surgery I was so much better my heartbeat and blood pressure was normal and I felt relief. The doctor told me to come back in two weeks for a checkup, the week went by and I went to the hospital again because I had lower abdominal pain as if they were contractions turns out all the medication I was prescribed had made me constipated and cause excruciating pain that I just wanted to die. My boyfriend has been there through it all I love him dearly I don’t know what I would do without him and my family have been so supportive that they've helped me overcome this. I have a guardian angel charm for my Pandora bracelet to remind me that I now have a guardian angel to watch over me now. Five months have passed and I’m doing okay but now I feel like the pain is kicking back in I have my good days and bad days I can’t see anyone pregnant because I’ll just cry and feel uncomfortable I feel like envying my friends that have babies because I wish I still had mine in my belly I wish I knew what gender was my baby and how it felt to have the baby kicking but I know my time will come I’m just afraid it’ll happen all over again. I would just think about the baby and just cried so that’s when I finally decided to see a counselor to help me because I need help and I need to speak to someone because my family help but I want to get an opinion of someone I don’t know. Let’s see what the rest of year brings me. Don’t ever blame yourself for what happened things happen for a reason and God only knows why.

Comments for My Little Guardian Angel

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May 01, 2013
My Little Guardian Angel
by: Doreen U.K.

Jacqueline I am sorry for your loss of your unborn child.
You are very articulate and a very mature young woman who has acted with great wisdom and understanding. I am happy you have a supportive family who have seen you through the worst problem a young woman can go through having a miscarriage.
I guess you will be scared of having another miscarriage, but with good pre-natal care you should be O.K. It is problems like blood pressure and eclampsia that are danger signals in pregnancy. I have had these and I was hospitalised 6 times before I had my first child and I had to have a ceasarian operation due to foetal distress. My son had the umbilical cord around his neck, arm, and groin. I then got an infection in the wound and ended up in hospital 3 weeks after the birth. I had a large hole in the wound which was stitched and opened up. It was so painfull. Second time I was hospitalised on and off. Nearly had a miscarriage in the 3rd month. had the roughest time ever having 17 pills a day to take. That baby has turned into the best daughter a mother could have. A real joy to bring up and THE PERFECT DAUGHTER. Third time everything was normal. Then I stopped. If I didn't have so many problems with pregnancy I would have loved more children. I come for a family of 5 girls and one boy so it is good having a large family.
If you follow a good regime of health and rest and pre-natal care you should be O.K.
Good you are having counselling best thing you could do for yourself. I did counselling too late when depression had set in when I was 5 months pregnant which is why my son was born in foetal stress and nearly died. He is now 44yrs. of age. Counsellors have special ways of digging deeper and helping you to discover hidden aspects of your psyche and you may have buried emotions that resurrect themselves through triggers in normal life. I learnt a lot about myself and I healed in ways that benefited me throughout life. Best wishes.

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