My Little Guardian Angel
by Jacqueline V.
I am 18 years old, I found out I was pregnant in September, I am perfectly healthy the baby was healthy at 7 weeks old then 5 weeks passed it was my next ultrasound to see how the baby is doing and to see if there is any signs that baby may have any down syndrome. As I was getting checked I was looking at the ultrasound technician’s face and I noticed that something was wrong from her facial features and she came out of nowhere and said there’s no heartbeat I’ll be back and left the room. I was shocked and scared and asked my mother what’s wrong and the doctor came in apologizing about my loss and I told her to wait because I had no idea what happen with my baby and she told me I had a miscarriage, I felt devastated and felt that I've done something wrong. My baby actually died at 8 weeks and I had no symptoms of a miscarriage so I actually thought my baby was healthy. My mom held me and I felt so helpless she called my boyfriend and he was sad and she called my dad and I could hear him on the phone saying “no this can’t be happening” as the day went I was in bed didn't want to eat or speak to anyone. I had an appointment to have a D&C at the end of the week and I was scared and hard headed because I had hope my baby was alive because a lot of woman I talked to said that happen to them and their baby were alive so I didn't want to get the D&C as the week went by I got so sick the night before my surgery I was rushed to the hospital the nurses told me my heartbeat was so fast and my blood pressure was super high then I realized the baby was making me sick. That night I had a dream that a had a baby girl and she was blind then I woke up and that’s when I realized maybe God didn't give me my baby because he/she were going to have problems that I couldn't handle so I was ready for the surgery. After the surgery I was so much better my heartbeat and blood pressure was normal and I felt relief. The doctor told me to come back in two weeks for a checkup, the week went by and I went to the hospital again because I had lower abdominal pain as if they were contractions turns out all the medication I was prescribed had made me constipated and cause excruciating pain that I just wanted to die. My boyfriend has been there through it all I love him dearly I don’t know what I would do without him and my family have been so supportive that they've helped me overcome this. I have a guardian angel charm for my Pandora bracelet to remind me that I now have a guardian angel to watch over me now. Five months have passed and I’m doing okay but now I feel like the pain is kicking back in I have my good days and bad days I can’t see anyone pregnant because I’ll just cry and feel uncomfortable I feel like envying my friends that have babies because I wish I still had mine in my belly I wish I knew what gender was my baby and how it felt to have the baby kicking but I know my time will come I’m just afraid it’ll happen all over again. I would just think about the baby and just cried so that’s when I finally decided to see a counselor to help me because I need help and I need to speak to someone because my family help but I want to get an opinion of someone I don’t know. Let’s see what the rest of year brings me. Don’t ever blame yourself for what happened things happen for a reason and God only knows why.