My little mommy

by Fiorina
(Canada)

Why I call her my "little" mommy - because she was maybe just under 5ft but she was spunky and had a spark in her.
She was diagnosed with thyroid cancer on August 7, 2007. Had surgery on September 13, 2007, and passed away on February 14, 2008. Doctors had told us all was OK after surgery. It seemed to happen all so fast, but she knew something wasn't right. I missed something, not sure what but I always feel that I could have/should have done more. I was with her every step of the way, but something blinded me. Was it that I didn't want to accept that the worse was going to happen? How was I going to live without her? I can still hear her voice, smell her perfume, hear her footsteps. How can that be so vivid? I always wish for one more day, if I could only have her with me one more time - just to be there again. Today millions are celebrating Valetine's Day - I cannot. It's a sorrowful day for my heart is broken and it will never mend again.

Comments for My little mommy

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Feb 18, 2013
My little Mommy
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous,
I read your post with sadness for having lived a somewhat unhappy life with a mother who perhaps was distant. Perhaps didn't want to be but nevertheless a victim of her own upbringing. My parents were treated very cruelly, and in their life they were both very loving with a streak of cruelty that could have been seen as being firm. I grew up in the 50's and hitting/beating a child for naughtiness was very normal. Today it would be seen as abuse. But we grew up with respect for our parents and a love mixed with the ambivalence of 2 parents who were victims of their own upbringing. I got married and raised 3 children but was a strict mother thinking this was normal. I suffered a lack of confidence and passed this on to my children. I then went into counselling in my 40's and I was FREE and Happy for the first time in my life. My daily interaction allowed me to relate differently to my family.
I want you to see that in life there is much we don't like about our life we lived. But I found with counselling I could go on to live a happy productive life and my past I was able to resolve as if it evaporated in counselling. We all long for that close mother/daughter relationship. I feel you secretly want to look after your mother even though she says you can never be close. Perhaps she is afraid of getting too close so she loves you from a distance. Look after your mother if this is your gut feeling. Concentrate on her feelings and do the right thing. You will live with less regret and when she passes away you will be happy you did this for your own peace of mind. If it doesn't work out you can always walk away with the thought you at least tried. WE struggle with feelings that hurt us perhaps from our mother. But I do feel that with the right counsellor we can understand and resolve much of this hurt and pain from our past. You will emerge from this with a joy you will have forever. You certainly will never go back to feeling the hurt and pain of the past. It will have disappeared. I hope life does get better for you and that you at least have a good relationship with your children despite your hurt of the past.

Feb 17, 2013
Re: My little mommy
by: Anonymous

When I started reading your post, I thought of my own mother. Mom is 4'10" and she used to be full of spark also, still is sometimes but only in speaking. My mom broke her femur bone 2 years ago this spring. She weighs about 350 pounds now. She sits all day in her chair while her husband who has dementia waits on her every need. I plead & beg her to get up & move around, but she says I do, I went to the bathroom and back. That is about all the walking she does, if I do get really upset crying on the phone with her, she will say, yes, I will walk around the house 3 times and that is it! When you said your mom died of thyroid cancer, was their other organs of the endocrine system involved? I ask that because I got very very sick about 7 yrs ago & have been taking synthyroid for 25+yrs & finally I had a genetic test done for MEN 1 Syndrome, which effects the endocrine system with tumors that can turn cancerous. You may want to look that up. I have a ? for you, see, my mom & I have a past history & it is not a good 1. She has said so many times how her & I will never get along & I have cried so many tears about this. Things that have happened way back when are things that are better off staying in the closet. But, I keep feeling that even though I feel & she says we just can't get along. I can't help but think or wonder should I be staying with her? I am married, married but not happily married. My counselor says NO, but my heart says, she is your mom & she is in her 70's & chair-bound. There has been lots of abuse, but, I am a woman now & my children are gone on their own. Just wondering what your thoughts would be. It sounds like you both had a wonderful mom & daughter relationship. My sincere sympathy goes out to you. God Bless

Feb 15, 2013
My little mommy
by: Doreen U.K.

Florina I am sorry for your loss. When we lose someone close part of our grief will be to look for clues and anything we missed that could have made a difference to the one we have lost. Often it is just the Echo of our Grief.
It is a very painful place to be right now. You will recover in time, but we have to go through the motions of time a space for our grief. You will in time get your life back. For now it feels as if we will be this way forever. If you feel that things are not getting any better for you. Try seeing a grief counsellor who is skilled to help you move forward better and to help you reclaim your life back.

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