My Little Sister

6 months ago my 28 year old sister died of a massive heart attack. She had just had her first baby 2 months before she died. She had signed up to be an organ donor and when they started running tests they found that she had Stage 4 liver cancer. None of us knew! Her heart attack was caused by a blood clot in her lung. She had very healthy habits, ate right, didn't smoke, barely ever drank, exercised, and took such good care of herself. I am only 2 years older than her. I am still living in shock. My parents have been devastated. My sister's husband is now dating one of her friends. He is my age. I understand that people do need to move on in their own ways, but I am upset also. It almost feels disrespectful towards my sister that he would find someone else after 6 months. I still feel so lost. Someone took my heart and ripped a gigantic hole in it. I have never felt pain like this before and am not finding much comfort in anything these days. My husband tries to comfort me and succeeds to some degree. I can't stand being at work. I have become so irritable. I just wish I could crawl in a dark, warm hole and sleep for the next couple of years until the pain dulls.

Comments for My Little Sister

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Sep 01, 2012
My Little Sister
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your sister. I am sorry also for your parents losing a daughter and losing a son-in-law. Who is going to bring the baby up? Is it going to be your parents? or will your brother-in-law be bringing up the baby and stepping up to his duties of being a father? I know that everyone handles grief differently. But I understand how you feel about your brother-in-law being with someone else so soon after losing his wife your sister. For whatever reasons without judgement it is still seen for what it is INSENSITIVE. If you are on fairly good terms with your brother-in-law you should have a talk with him. This is the only way that you will get a healthy perspective on the situation and be able to move forward without prejudice of insensitive behaviour. I have 4 sisters and could not imagine losing any one of them. I am worried about this since I lost my husband of 44yrs. 4 months ago from a long battle with cancer. Grief is so hard. I can understand how you feel. It is as if I have been knocked down by a car and my whole body is broken and I can't move. I feel all bruised. I do very little until I feel better and able to move forward. One of the first stages of grief I learned from my handbook was crying and searching for our loved one. I am stuck in this stage. I don't know long this stage will last. I fall asleep even during the day and wake up in a panic. Looking for Steve and then realising HE DIED. I then see his face and everything feels as if it a slow motion movie and I see him walking in the door. I will be glad when this stage passes. I find it depressing. What you should do when you don't feel like working is after work to take yourself off to either the cinema, coffee house, a show, or anything you feel like doing as an escape from where you are. Doing something for you that is different. Go on a date with your husband. Take time out. I tried this and find it works better than being stuck in this grief and sorrow that will come back as soon as it can. Mind you I am not avoiding or postponing my grief. as it will come back twice as bad. I feel it and then go off and do something for myself that feels good. It will be a long hard road for us but one day at a time is better than thinking too far ahead and seeing this mountain we have to climb. Let us all rest awhile when the storms are raging. May you and us all find Peace from our Pain.

Sep 01, 2012
Amen, Sister!
by: Anonymous

I lost the love of my life this past year, and I can't imagine already being involved with another person. In fact, I can't imagine ever being involved with another person even though I am young and that may mean the next 30-60 years alone. I am so sick of everything I read on the internet about "moving on." I think, did you even love that person in the first place??? That said, the grief of losing the love of your life is overwhelming. I can understand how some people would want to avoid that grief by getting involved with someone else right away. I think it will catch up with your brother-in-law down the road. In the meantime, and as HARD as this is for me to even type, I hope you will not judge him but instead be there to comfort him when the time comes. Bless you for loving your sister so much!

Sep 01, 2012
Thank you
by: Anonymous

I do appreciate the concern. I struggle with being at peace with my brother in laws decision to move on. I know he has that right to and everyone must heal in their own ways. I just have never had anything like this happen in our family. I have gotten a large tattoo on my back, in the "tramp stamp" area (it was the only place she had one). It is a large calla lily (the flowers at her wedding) with her name and date of death and birth. That helped comfort me for awhile. It was my tribute to her. To endure 3 1/2 hours of that seemed like it would make things better, take away some of the pain. A few months came and went and I received the keepsake urn from my mother, the one that my brother in law gave to her to give to me. It really hit me then. That this was forever. There is no waking up from this and she is never going to be here again. I am trying to accept it, but it is so hard and part of me doesn't want to. I don't want to admit that she is gone, that she will never get to see her child's first birthday or his first Christmas or even his first steps. It just seems so cruel that something like this could happen to someone who lived life to the fullest, who took every opportunity given and enjoyed every moment of it. I think part of my anger with him is that I am jealous. It seems like he has moved on and I wish I could. I imagine he hasn't, that he is just temporarily replacing my sister. I just wish I had something to help take the pain away too.

Aug 31, 2012
My Little sister
by: Anonymous

Dear friend
Grief is a tough journey that everyone manages the way they feel is best or the way it gives the most comfort. Do not burden yourself for the way your brother in law is handling the situation, every one faces grief in a different way and there is not wrong or right. And you would want him to move forward and find a companion, maybe he can not handle loneliness and being with someone else is probably the way he finds comfort. You want him to move forward for the sake of every one specially the baby. You too need to move forward and realize that we all have a time to be born and a time to die, it was a blessing to have a piece of your sister(the baby) join efforts with your brother in law do not loose site of him, so you nephew can grow in the most warmest, loving and supportive environment. I am really sorry for your loss in my case I lost my brother who was young as well as his wife. She found company not too long after my brothers death, all I think " It is hard to be alone" and maybe the wish of our loved one was for the surviving partner to move forward with their life in the best way they can. I hope you find comfort and peace.

Aug 31, 2012
It hurts when we see others move on
by: Nancy

I want nothing more than to take you pain away - and I would if I could but I can't. Each one of us have our own journey of grief to walk and despite how difficult it is when it appears that others around us seems to be in a better place their struggle may just be expressed in a different way.
I get it that it has been hard for you to see that your brother in law is investing his energy in someone else only after six months and as sad as that seems it might be his way to cope.
Above all things you are the most important person on your journey, he will be accountable someday for his own journey.
What is it that you need? How can we help? Each grieving path is different. No matter how many deaths one faces, no two deaths are ever the same. I grieved differently for my mother and father, than I did for my sisters and brothers, and than again differently for my aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews and than there was my dog, but the hardest of all was an unborn child that I did not meet. My grandchild. Aborted. My daughter felt like she didn't want any more children and ended this little ones life.
Grief has its own timetable its own schedule and it needs its own medicine. Love, acceptance, guidance, faith, hope, peace and community of people from all arenas. A bucket tears, friends to hold you near and the one thing I find that I need is a closet full of teddy bears, one for each member that has moved on. When I get lonely at night I take that special bear to bed with me and hug them throughout the night. I also make prayer bracelets to remember those who are struggling with me - so that I can remember that although I may feel that I am walking this lonely road alone I am not there are others out there struggling as well.
I hope you can forgive you brother in law for his behaviour and find peace with yourself. Reach out here, tell us how we can help...and if we can let. us love you and trust the God who make you to dry all those tears away. Your new friend..if you will let me be...Nancy

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