my little tyler.

by sophia grinage
(belize)

When i was 1 month pregnant i didn't know until i was 2 and a half months pregnant; i was so scared .i worried alot because i had already broke up with my baby's father because he cheated on me with another girl,it broke my heart to know that he would do such a thing after he was the one who wanted the baby.so then comes month 3 ;. It was April 3 when i got a message from my cousin saying that he is married to the same girl that he cheated on me with, i cried and cried alot because then i know for sure my baby won't grow up with a father. then comes April 14 when i went to take an ultrasound. my baby was ok , heart beat good and everything was ok.i went home and was so happy.then month 4 came, month 5 then month 6, and that's when it all started;in month 5 i had a dream of my grandma that has past away telling me to open a bag and let the spirits go and when i did, i heard her voice saying one of them is your baby and when i look back to try to see her she had disappeared, the only thing i could remember is waking up crying.so then in july 12 2011 i went to take another ultrasound and found out that my baby was a little boy and i was so happy i decided to name him tyler raymond grinage.the next day i went to buy his clothing and i couldn't stop looking at them for day's.but after that ultrasound i felt weird but i tryed to put it aside.then comes 17 july when i was only 6 months and 1 week pregnant when my pain got worst and it was coming own and off, and my mom told me to stay calm it would stop and i couldn't keep calm the pain was too bad, so my mom took me to the hospital and the doctor told me i was ready to have my baby but i have to wait a while like 1hour and a half.the doctor told me that my baby has to die because he is not gonna be able to survive.i was so sad and i felt i lost everything . i almost died that day 17 july and the doctors brought me up back. my baby was breech .after everything the doctor told me if i want to hold my baby and i said yes , so when the doctor reached over to hand me my baby: he was rapped in a white sheet and his heart was still beating the only thing i could do is cry and cry, but i was so happy to get a chance to hold him.i think maybe it wasn't my time to go so he left before it was too late.the 18 of july when i came out i was so mad that everyone look so happy and my baby just died the day before.2 weeks pasted since my baby died and we still didn't burred him because we had to plan everything so after that 2 week it was august 1 when we went to the morgue and dressed him and lay him in his caffin, then took him to church for the memorial ceremony and then to the spot i was gonna burry him.up to this day i still have pictures of every moment i had to spend a time with him even though he was not alive, he was a still birth and i didn;t pay attention to any sign's i was getting because i was just hoping everything would be ok.i had already plan me and my baby's future together. i love to look at his pictures because it makes me feel like i still have him with me.some times i blame my self and some time i blame his father because if he hadn't made me stress so much maybe my baby would have been here today with me.i love my baby so much and i know right now he is in a better place and if i had the chance to tell him how much i love him i would , i know he knows how much i miss and love him.he is my little angel in heaven.