My long lost mother

by Kristin
(Martinez)

So the last time i saw my mother i was four years old. She had met me and my adoptive parents, which are technically my grandparents, at McDonalds. She was carrying a big trash bag full of stuffed animals she had won out of a claw machine for me. I still have all those animals to this day. I still look and cuddle with a few of them as well. And i am now almost 22 years old.

I remember the look on her face as we drove away. She was crying and she had her hands on the car window. I waved to her not knowing at that moment that i wouldn't even talk to her for another 18 years. I didnt know that i was waving good bye to her forever.

Her sister, shortly before i turned 19, found my adoptive mother on facebook and sent her a message. Me being as defensive as i am replied and i was not nice about it. My mother then messaged me back and once again i was not very nice. I had a lot of resentment and hate built up. I felt abandoned and alone and like my mother didnt want anything to do with me and thats why i was adopted.

After a few weeks i grew more relaxed about us talking and getting to know each other. At that time i had enlisted into the Army National Guard and i was leaving for training in May. So from May to the start of August i had no way of talking to her or contacting her. The day i graduated from Basic Combat Training i called her for the first time. I called her mom for the first time. I heard her voice for the first time. We cried together for the first time since i was four.

After that i talked to her and my family a lot more often even played some online games with them. This went on till about mid 2012 when i found out that she had passed away. I was suppose to come and see her for the first time in January 2013. Instead i am laying her to rest mid 2012.

Everything i wanted to do with her was taken away from me in one phone call. One day. I felt like my entire world came pummeling around me. I found out almost a month ago. We had her funeral 2 weeks ago. And i still expect her to come walking up to me hugging me and crying telling me that she loves me and shes sorry and she is so happy im there. But that image and the one im actually facing is very different. Im still in shock that she is gone. I havent excepted it and i know i havent. And i honestly dont know how to.

I now face never hearing her laugh again, never hearing her tell me she loves me, never seeing her smile at me, never spending a holiday with her, never hugging her or holding her, never telling her how much she means and always meant to me face to face, even when i was angry with her.

I love you mom. RIP

Comments for My long lost mother

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Jul 28, 2012
I understand you loss
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry about your mom. I lost my mom July 3 2012 and it is and was very painful. I miss her very much and feel your pain. Know that your mom loved you and your pain will get worse but it will get better so I ve been told. Today I have to pack up her apartment and will be the hardest thing I have to do. I wish you peace and know that she is looking at you from far above and love you.

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