My Love Francis P. Holt 1964-2009

by Hope
(Tappahannock VA)

It was 2 years ago on a Sunday that my life was turned upside down. Though the actual date was Dec 6th 2009. I have come a long way and if I may say so am very proud of my progress. I know that after the numbness kicked in I could not find a way to get out of bed much less raise a child that I found out 6 months after Paul's death had Asperger's. Boo and I have really grown through grief. It is a long and horrendous grief ride that we have rode together.

I am so grateful to this site for helping me through the darkest moments of my life. I know now that I will probably always Love and Miss Paul. Francis P. Holt was the one that showed me what real Love was and for that I am ever so grateful.

I am no longer mad at God nor do I question why anymore. I have flogged myself with all that I might have done better and accept that when he was ill I did my best, If I mothered and worried about him excessively it was only the worry that him having had a stroke he might harm himself. Like the time that I came home and he was sitting on the garage roof trimming tree branches with a chain saw. So My Love this is a public apology, If I somehow stole your pride, took your manhood away I am sorry.

I lived those last days in fear that you would be taken away from me and though you were never really the same after your aneurism surgery and following stroke please know in your hearts of hearts now in heaven that I loved you for all that I was or could be. I still do and know that I cannot shrug off that Love that we shared for so long.

Be well My Love as you look down on me still. I am better and stronger than I have ever been and it took a lot of grief and tears to get here but here I stand. No one will knock me down or ever try to make me live the life they think best. It is the life I choose from hear on out and the courage I found when you had to finish your path to heaven.

Love and Miss You always...
Your wife for all of eternity
Hope M. Holt

Comments for My Love Francis P. Holt 1964-2009

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Dec 06, 2011
Continued Hope....
by: TrishJ

Once again give me hope. I sat and cried all day on December 3rd. The next day, my daughter's birthday, her friends from work threw her a surprise combination bridal shower and birthday party. It was a total surprise for her and I had a good time. Of course yesterday, I sat and reflected about where I was one year ago. I was planning Joe's funeral in a total state of shock, my children were pouring through photos to use at the wake, I was probably on my 2nd Xanax for the day. I no longer need Xanax, my children have copies of all the old photos tucked away on a dvd. I was down in the dumps yesterday, again. But....I kept thinking....I really had a good time at that party. For the first time in one year I really had fun.
I too questioned so many things about caring for Joe. There were actually days where he continued to make me angry and I feel so bad about that. He was terrified of the possibilities and some times took his fear out on me. I would often think, if this were another patient I was taking care of, would I be so upset? Probably not.
It's not easy taking care of our sick husband's. Joe fell into one of his treasured gun cases one day and shattered the glass. He insisted on fixing it. He actually went and purchased the pane of glass and I stood and handed him nails as he struggled to hammer them into place. I'm sure I sighed too deeply a few times and wasn't very patient. When I think back to that day, that was the last time he really ever did anything that even resembled manly. I should have let him enjoy it more but I too was afraid he would hurt himself.
Keep going strong Hope. I'm hopeful on my end that I will continue to make progress. I think I am. Slow but sure. The love will always be there but we are still here on earth. We have to move on. It's the hardest thing I have ever been faced with.
Blessings to you today. Thinking about you......

Dec 05, 2011
Your love
by: M Mack

Hope- I knew the pic was very different than the one I've seen- side profile. I thought WOW they look different with a frontal profile OR they were much younger! In the end - they are cute too! Put a face pic in there...

Dec 05, 2011
by: Anonymous

Damn! this is the wrong picture....How can I erase it? I thought I was loading another...
(Editor: I deleted the wrong picture)

Dec 05, 2011
Holding on For Love
by: Zoe

First, on the passing of your second year, let me say that your strength and generosity have kept me afloat. I know many of us hear have benefited from your wisdom, even in the depths of your grief.
For that I, especially want to thank you.
You know its funny, people have started asking me when I am going to start dating. When I first heard the question I could not believe it was being asked, it was so soon after I had lost John. However, what I have come to realise is, we make the rules for our grief. And for one, I love John, I always have, I always will. From the moment he slid into the seat next to me in speech class, to walking arm and arm deciding on on buying our last house.. he is my love, no one will take that place, no one will feel right. And that is ok. I guess that is one of the things grief gives us, it is the power to make our own choices, to take what we can and make it ok.
He was a handsome man in 1964 (oh my god really!!!) and I'm sure he was just as handsome when he was taken from you. The rest of the world may have seen a man with a stroke, you just saw the man that you love.
I am glad you are having less pain. Know we are here for you, in pain or in love, we are together.

One breath, one step, one day at a time.

Dec 05, 2011
Two years
by: M Mack


You were such a beautiful couple and I know where you are coming from. It's been a long road of recovery for you and you've traveled it like a true soldier. Living through grief is like a war - you now against the old you as a couple. You traveled along with thought, patience and strength trying to adjust to your loss. You won this war of grief and did it one day at a time, much pain and heartache. I'm sure you are a different person as we all are. The only difference is that you traveled along for two years.

At only over a year for me, I'm different. I still struggle some days and miss his love so much. I was blindsided when I met Ray, and blindsided when he passed. It hit me without a warning and I have so many questions I'll never get answered.
He taught me to stick up for myself, love myself and be a good person. I will carry his love in my heart for the rest of my life.

So I close with a prayer for us all. God give us the strength we need to smile through the left over pain. Let us find peace and serenity to get through this life with dignity and confidence to pass on to our children and grandchildren. Lessen the pain in our hearts and give us a sign that we will meet our soulmates one day to live in eternity. My best to you Hope and thank you so much for helping so many to see some light. Hugs!

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