My Love Francis P. Holt 1964-2009
It was 2 years ago on a Sunday that my life was turned upside down. Though the actual date was Dec 6th 2009. I have come a long way and if I may say so am very proud of my progress. I know that after the numbness kicked in I could not find a way to get out of bed much less raise a child that I found out 6 months after Paul's death had Asperger's. Boo and I have really grown through grief. It is a long and horrendous grief ride that we have rode together.
I am so grateful to this site for helping me through the darkest moments of my life. I know now that I will probably always Love and Miss Paul. Francis P. Holt was the one that showed me what real Love was and for that I am ever so grateful.
I am no longer mad at God nor do I question why anymore. I have flogged myself with all that I might have done better and accept that when he was ill I did my best, If I mothered and worried about him excessively it was only the worry that him having had a stroke he might harm himself. Like the time that I came home and he was sitting on the garage roof trimming tree branches with a chain saw. So My Love this is a public apology, If I somehow stole your pride, took your manhood away I am sorry.
I lived those last days in fear that you would be taken away from me and though you were never really the same after your aneurism surgery and following stroke please know in your hearts of hearts now in heaven that I loved you for all that I was or could be. I still do and know that I cannot shrug off that Love that we shared for so long.
Be well My Love as you look down on me still. I am better and stronger than I have ever been and it took a lot of grief and tears to get here but here I stand. No one will knock me down or ever try to make me live the life they think best. It is the life I choose from hear on out and the courage I found when you had to finish your path to heaven.
Love and Miss You always...
Your wife for all of eternity
Hope M. Holt