My Love - My Life
by Julie
My world ended the minute that he drew his last breath. Even though my mind tells me that I have two wonderful sons and five beautiful grandchildren to live for and who are looking to me to be that source of support and balance for them, I just don’t know how to go on with my life and not even sure that I want to. My heart is in a million pieces and it’s hard to pretend that everything is ok and that I’m surviving when the better half of me is missing. I try to pretend to the world that I’m doing ok but inside I’m broken and alone. All of my life I had put up a wall to keep people out because if they couldn’t get inside then I wouldn’t be hurt. But what I realized with Arthur because he got inside that wall, was that I didn’t put it up to keep people out, I put it up to see who cared enough to break it down. He was the one that truly cared enough to go beyond the wall and enter into my heart. We shared everything together. My most intimate thoughts and concerns, I gave to him and he responded with a love that only he possessed. My whole life was consumed with him. The last five years of his life, we were in out of the hospital with his numerous illnesses. He truly amazed the doctors with his ability to come back and through things that were thrown at him. We became well known around the hospital and doctors offices. But in March when we had to go back into the hospital, the doctors immediately told me that he could not come back from this. His body was shutting down and we were looking at only months before it would be over for him. I immediately told them that they didn’t know what they were talking about because we had been in numerous life threatening places and he had also sprung back. I told them that I would not and could not give up on him. But one night right before he died, he was laying in the bed with the most awful frown on his face. I asked him if I needed to give him a shot for pain and he said “no”. I kept on asking if he was in pain and where was he hurting because hospice had told me that when he was frowning usually it meant that he was in pain. I just couldn’t stand the thought of him hurting. He looked me in the eyes and said “No, Julie, I’m not hurting anywhere but I’m exhausted”. These were words that had never come out of his mouth before, he was always a fighter. I knew then that his strength was gone and that he just couldn’t fight back from this. He never spoke another word although he fought for another five days. I’m lost. I know that God has got everything in His hands and at this time in my life He’s carrying me but the pain is so great that I really wonder if I can ever continue living. I have no idea of what my role in life will be from now on. I try to carry on but it’s the most difficult thing that I’ve ever done. I know that people are tired of listening to the “poor, pitiful me” speech that I feel in my heart. I know that I’m not the most fun person to be around now and they see me coming and head in the other direction. I don’t want them to understand my hurt because that means that they would have to experience a tremendous loss in their lives. I just hope that if something like this happens to them that I can be that friend that sits there and listens as they pour out their heart break and let them know that I truly understand their hurt and loss and that I’ll be there for as long as they need me. To let them know that I won’t get tired of hearing about their loved one. Sorry that this was so long.
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