My Love - My Life

by Julie
(Tallahassee, FL)

On April 15, 2011 I lost the most important person in my life. He was my one and only soul mate of 43 years. I met him on a blind date while I was still in High School. I immediately told all my friends and family that I had just met the man that I was going to marry. In November after graduation in June I showed them just how serious I was about marrying him.
My world ended the minute that he drew his last breath. Even though my mind tells me that I have two wonderful sons and five beautiful grandchildren to live for and who are looking to me to be that source of support and balance for them, I just don’t know how to go on with my life and not even sure that I want to. My heart is in a million pieces and it’s hard to pretend that everything is ok and that I’m surviving when the better half of me is missing. I try to pretend to the world that I’m doing ok but inside I’m broken and alone.
All of my life I had put up a wall to keep people out because if they couldn’t get inside then I wouldn’t be hurt. But what I realized with Arthur because he got inside that wall, was that I didn’t put it up to keep people out, I put it up to see who cared enough to break it down. He was the one that truly cared enough to go beyond the wall and enter into my heart. We shared everything together. My most intimate thoughts and concerns, I gave to him and he responded with a love that only he possessed.
My whole life was consumed with him. The last five years of his life, we were in out of the hospital with his numerous illnesses. He truly amazed the doctors with his ability to come back and through things that were thrown at him. We became well known around the hospital and doctors offices. But in March when we had to go back into the hospital, the doctors immediately told me that he could not come back from this. His body was shutting down and we were looking at only months before it would be over for him. I immediately told them that they didn’t know what they were talking about because we had been in numerous life threatening places and he had also sprung back. I told them that I would not and could not give up on him.
But one night right before he died, he was laying in the bed with the most awful frown on his face. I asked him if I needed to give him a shot for pain and he said “no”. I kept on asking if he was in pain and where was he hurting because hospice had told me that when he was frowning usually it meant that he was in pain. I just couldn’t stand the thought of him hurting. He looked me in the eyes and said “No, Julie, I’m not hurting anywhere but I’m exhausted”. These were words that had never come out of his mouth before, he was always a fighter. I knew then that his strength was gone and that he just couldn’t fight back from this. He never spoke another word although he fought for another five days.
I’m lost. I know that God has got everything in His hands and at this time in my life He’s carrying me but the pain is so great that I really wonder if I can ever continue living. I have no idea of what my role in life will be from now on. I try to carry on but it’s the most difficult thing that I’ve ever done. I know that people are tired of listening to the “poor, pitiful me” speech that I feel in my heart. I know that I’m not the most fun person to be around now and they see me coming and head in the other direction.
I don’t want them to understand my hurt because that means that they would have to experience a tremendous loss in their lives. I just hope that if something like this happens to them that I can be that friend that sits there and listens as they pour out their heart break and let them know that I truly understand their hurt and loss and that I’ll be there for as long as they need me. To let them know that I won’t get tired of hearing about their loved one.
Sorry that this was so long.

Comments for My Love - My Life

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Dec 17, 2011
Paralyzed and Isolated by the Grief
by: Joann

I am finding I am not alone. Some many comparisons, we met on a blind date in high school. I was so closed to everyone, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. I always said he saved me. Married 40 yrs this year, he died in a motorcycle accident June 17. Never got to say goodbye. We were in such a sweet spot and both in good health after yrs of not being healthy and of taking care of his mother with alzheimers. I thought the last 6 months were awful, but this last month I am understanding that I'm not functioning and I'm searching for counseling, groups. I can't do it. And just this last week I've found this site, talked to a counselor on the phone, done more reading. I guess it's normal, this debilitating despair. I physically and mentally feel like I'm dying. When you have been with the same person, like you and I, all our lives, we don't know anything else. I guess we will have to learn and I guess we will need to understand that by doing that we're not forgetting them. I think this is the hardest challenge. Take care, all of us.

Nov 03, 2011
My friend
by: Julie

I want to thank you for your post. Your words of encouragement mean a lot. I guess that I should be further along than you are on this journey since my loss was a couple of months before yours but somehow I feel that you are a lot more mature than I am but maybe one day I'll be able to be that support for someone like you are for me. Thanks again for your concern and prayers and I'll make sure that I add to you to my prayer list.

Nov 02, 2011
My Love-My Life
by: Pat J.

Julie,
Your words hit close to home. I lost the love of my life on Jume 27,2011, the day after our 46th wedding anniversary. He died of a massive heart attack. There was no chance to say good bye.
He was just gone. It was quick and for that I am so grateful. I know he did not suffer, because I was standing right on the side of the bed by him when he died.
He had been in the hospital with heart and lung issues, but the doctors told us he was not dying. Guess only God knows when he will call us home to be with him. I truly believe there is a better life after this and since my husband died I know I will go through the motions in this life and wait for the day God calls me to join him.
I have 5 adult children and 10 grandchildren that need me and I know they miss their dad and Papa. I just too feel so empty. Losing our spouse is horrible, yet we have to learn to go on without them. I know it won't be an easy task, but God will give us the strength we need,he may even carry us at times.
Have faith, we will get through this, but the hurt will never go away,that I know. A part of me died the day my husband died.
I joined a support group through our church and have really bonded with three other widows. We all lost our husbands months apart. One lost hers in April, I lost mine in June and two lost theirs in August. For all of us the pain is comparable. For me it helps me being with them. We always will talk about our husbands and talking about them will always keep a part of them alive in our heart and in our memories.
God Bless You and take it one day and one breath at a time.

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