My Love Our Life

by Netty

He was found by our child lifeless. They told us it was a suicide. He had been ill for several years, but I did not believe that he would leave us like that. I knew he loved our children and me, he was a fighter. I went along with what they told me for months, then requested the police report. None of it made sense. It has been months now and waiting to be clear, mentally, emotionally, physically and now today it still does not make sense.
Someone said they were there and saw him, prior to him leaving us. The crime scene was not at all in any way investigated to prove he did this.
Today 7 months later and I am a wreck, in a community where we have no family. They were all here in the first two weeks and now it is scarce. How do you deal with 25 years of marriage, to maybe they took their own life to maybe it was foul play?
People think you are in denial, your crazy, but the proof was not proven, how do you deal with the love of your heart, your best friend, your partner, the other half of your parenting to not be there?
I miss him so bad I am so sad. I want to move forward, I want to sleep, I want to work, I want to be in public, I try daily to try. I pray I pray I pray, I want to know what happened to him. I am crying so bad right now, I want him back, I still love him I was married and now I am not.
I want justification for him, for our children, for us. He is gone and no amount of money or prayer will bring him back or make it better.
How do you move forward with out him.
Doing everyday tasks that he did for us, now we have to learn how to do these things, how do you do this without all the emotion that goes with it.
How do you move forward with out how he left us in question, although you know one thing he is not here.
Today again 7 months later they are revisiting his death after they did not investigate it the first time, the pain of this is so alone and unbelievable. Really want to make it through just one day with out crying, the chest pains, the longing for him.
I know others have made it and I am not alone, but today I am alone and so very sad. I love him more than he will ever know, what do you do with that?

Comments for My Love Our Life

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Jul 23, 2014
To tell the truth
by: Netty

To tell the truth today almost 8 months now, I am finally angry. But in saying that I am speaking to God more and more. I am not angry at God. I am not angry at my husband. I am angry at the legal system and the lack of knowledge for an educated or proclaimed to be on how they handled the investigation. Here a spouse is told her husband took his own life with no proof, and that my husbands life was a Quote " Simple Suicide" and that I was no accepting it. Wow.
I never want to talk to that investigator again. I am giving this to God, as this is one situation that I want to be done with. I cannot nor do I ever want to feel that type of pain again. I am going through more than I want to bare.
I want to move forward, to seek my new normal, to help our daughters to love with out this pain.

Thank you so much for responding and not judging.
I suppose that anger is good as I have not felt this like this since his death. I do not want to be bitter, angry and ugly. I want to seek what God has for me, his love, so that I can move forward. I did not cry today, I am thankful for that.

Jul 19, 2014
Circumstantial Evidence
by: Doreen UK

Netty I am so sorry for the difficult day you had yesterday with the officers who delivered the report of your husband's Death. It is so very frustrating how cold and clinical people in office are today. You can tell that the care has gone our of our society. Everything is mechanical and clinical and sterile in its delivery. It is bad enough grieving and you have to bear insult to injury just compounding your grief. RUN TO THE LORD. It is our God who is going to strengthen and support us through our grief and the insensitivities we have to bear in our life. OH! how it hurts to not have our husband's around. For me it feels as if I dropped off the world into another planet and everything is strange and unfamiliar and life is not like I knew it. Then I get to thinking in that moment that I don't want to be here in this strange place and atmosphere. I am so glad that God is the same today and forever and before since our world changed. We have that stability knowing God and knowing we will see our spouse/loved ones again. REUNITED.
Death and dying are all around us. Plane crashes, Missing Planes. Loss of life. More and more fractured families as the universe claimed their lives from cruel evil dictatorships and despots who have no value for life. Tragedy hit our Universe again. It feels as if we will grieve something or other forever. How can we not be touched in our souls to the recent loss of life in this Plane shot down. Doesn't it make you angry and want to scream and shout at the Universe and Plead for God to come back for us soon so we don't have to bear more evil whilst we live on this earth. Let us who believe in God Hold up these lost souls before God and plead for Comfort, strength, and Peace for each family who will be grieving their loss as we do ours.

Jul 18, 2014
Circumstantial Evidence
by: Netty

Thank you for your words of encouragement.
The detective left an hour ago, stating that there is no proof to support suicide, it is circumstantial evidence for them to write suicide on the death certificate. This was deemed a typical suicide. I wanted to slap his face, stating it was typical and circumstantial. One you are grieving a death the huge loss, and to have it written off as circumstantial evidence and that is that is the other.
This all just happened today. They are still investigating my husbands death, had they completed the investigation correctly 7 months ago, I would not being going through this today. I am at a loss how those in office of legal support can be so complacent as to say typical suicide.
I am grateful with my faith in God and God is walking us through each and every day. Nothing will bring anyone back to each and all of us here, but our faith and writing here is a huge help.

Jul 16, 2014
Your love Your life
by: Judith in California

Netty, I'm so sorry for your loss. . Your letter just broke my heart for you. What a horrible ordeal . I wish I could hug you and tell you that further down the road you will be better but that won't help you now. Now is when you're hurting so and no matter what anyone says it will not calm you. I pray you will find out what ruly happend and that it will bring you some peace .
Yes, folks swarm around us the first few weeks and then off they go to their lives leaving us to grieve alone. Not many people can be around a grieving person because they just don't know what to do or say . We must understand and not feel that they abandoned us.
Please talk with God and He will give you the strength to see this through.

Jul 16, 2014
My Love Our Life
by: Doreen UK

Netty you are in a most difficult place right now having lost your husband and not knowing the TRUTH about how he died.
To be married for 25 yrs. is a long time and you cannot just get through this any time soon. You could benefit from seeing a grief counsellor for support. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs. ago. I still hurt from my loss.
It is a very hard place to be having to cope with the loneliness, and emptiness this loss brings. It is so very hard to have to run the home and all the jobs a husband/wife did and to have the whole burden of living placed on your shoulders. Know that you are not alone, even if it feels like it.
All us widows/widowers know what it feels like to lose a spouse and to have to go on alone with our loss. The crying does get easier in time and you won't cry all the time. If you cry a lot it means that you need to do this, and you also need to talk to someone who will understand and support you. Take ONE DAY AT A TIME! Try building yourself up so as to increase your self esteem and allow you the healing that this foundation of nurturing does to you. Do this every day. I know how hard this battle is. I can still remember it well. I could not function for 6 months. I could do nothing. I hurt so much all the time. I still miss my husband so much that it hurts that he is not here in my world. Please write back as often as you need to for further support. May God comfort you with his Peace.

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