My Love Will go On Forever

by Tanya
(Brantford, ON, Canada)

It's very comforting to share and read stories of others that have lost a child. It's a sad relation but comforting nonetheless. I lost my daughter, 18 years old, on November 23, 2010 so it's still pretty fresh. She was diagnosed with a solid sarcoma cancer may 28, 2009 and was very sick. She had experienced numerous migraines, neck pain and emergency hospital visits for 2 years prior to finally getting a diagnosis.

Once we knew what was going on she was transported to Toronto sick kids where we stayed for 5 weeks straight and she had undergone a shunt surgery, triple biopsy, picc line insertion, ng tube, G tube, port and started her 7 week rounds of radiation. When we were finally discharged, Tamarra finished her last few weeks of radiation and began her chemo from august 2009 until February 2010. Her chemo was done in hospital every 2-3 weeks for a 3 day or 6 day rotation where she spent her 18th bday, Thanksgiving, Halloween and New Years in hospital. I never left her side once.

While it wasn't the most ideal place to be, we always tried to make the best of it by laughing, telling jokes and doing crafts. After she finished her treatment we were convinced she was in the clear but her MRI told another story. The cancer has spread to her spinal fluids and they were concerned. Tamarra felt fine but another 6 weeks radiation was prescribed and we were granted a wish from Children's Wish and were off to Jamaica where we had a great time.

When we returned in late May she started radiation immediately. Tamarra told me that she is going to die from cancer and that I need to accept that fact. She was extremely alert and aware of how the disease works and was prepared for a short life. I understood her plight and agreed but told her that as a mother I will ALWAYS remain hopeful. So once again more MRI's and more bad news. The cancer had spread to her brain and at this time there is nothing that they could do for her. This news came 3 days after my dad's memorial service when he passed from lung cancer. I was broken and exhausted.

Out of desperation we started holistic treatments which cost a fortune but my family helped out. Our holistic dr never made any promises but was never final in either progress or regress. She just wanted to do all that she could for Tamarra. All the while you would never guess Tamarra was sick. She still did everything normal. Worked p/t, drove, went out with friends etc and then she started to experience memory loss and confusion. This worsened every day and on November 16 she took a turn for the worse where we admitted her to our local hospice and she passed away peacefully 7 days later on November 23, 2010.

Tamarra was my best friend. I love her with all my heart and I miss her terribly. We had a few talks about her passing and because I was able to prepare and do things with her it does help ease the pain a bit but the loss I feel without her is paramount. I miss holding her hand, kissing her cheeks, hearing her laugh, her "I love you mom" texts and much much more. Life never is the same without our beautiful children.