My love

My love. James died suddenly and unexpectedly in July 2011. He had flu, that was all. Yes it was a bad one(I had been very unwell a couple of weeks before), but it was still flu. He had been to Drs, was doing all the right things and I was being so supportive. I came home, my son, 13, had done CPR, ambulance etc but he died.
I had left for work that morning for a breakfast meeting, had him all set up with meds, food, drink phone etc. And I never got to say goodbye, neither did any of the children. We were just living and he died. It isnt fair
He was the absolute love of my life. Our love was awesome. He was my life. We made 3 beautiful children and lived a simple but wonderful life. I worked and he looked after me and the kids. We had out ups and downs..Definitely more ups than downs. He was the best father and husband. he was my lover, my confidante and my best friend.
Its been 5 months this week.
It feels like 5 mins and feels like eternity. I had to go back to work quickly.Its been hard. I miss him so much. It doesnt matter how much you read or hear about managing grief, nothing compares to your own journey. It hurts so much.
Our children are wonderful and are experiencing so many positive life experiences that seem to reinforce their and my loss. I am so proud yet so sad. Christmas is coming and I am frightened abut managing this. I've been good till now, but I cant put up the tree or ..
I've done the santa thing. Its like going through mechanics. I feel like a machine just going through the motions
I love him so much and am so lost
I know it will get better and be OK, ah.. it is hard
James - the love of my life. I miss you more than words can express
I miss him so much

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Dec 06, 2011
No Need to Say Goodbye-He Knows.....
by: TrishJ

It's very hard. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in this life. My husband, my friend, my lover, the one who understood me best gone. It seemed so surreal. Like you seems like 5 minutes.....then and eternity. You have no idea what it is like until it happens to you. Emptiness, loneliness, longing, aching. Everyone seems to move on but you. You cry, you miss, you ache for his touch. It's terrible. When people told me one year does get better I did not want to hear that. How could this get better. Are you crazy? My life is over. It's not good after one year's better. I don't cry myself to sleep and wake up feeling sick to my stomach anymore. I still look at his picture first thing.....light a candle and pray for him.
I too miss him so much. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and think about him laying beside me. I don't know if that's a good thing but it's comforting....for a while.
Please keep coming to this site Karen. There are a lot of widows here all missing their husbands. We are great support for each other because we know the depth of the pain. Nobody else "gets it."
Blessings to you.

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