My Love

by Linda
(Menasha, Wi)

Cherished Menories

Cherished Menories

I just lost my husband(1/21/13)very suddenly from a massive heart attack. He had been more tired than usual lately and complained of sore legs, but we just thought it was from our physically demanding job. One day he was putting new tires on our van and the next he was gone, just gone... I tried to save him, but it wasn't enough.
We have been married for 41 yrs, would be 42 this Feb 26,2013. He was 62 & I'm 60. We were high school sweethearts, I've known him since I was 15. We worked together almost daily for the last 7 yrs. We had our good times, our bad times, our lean times, but always stuck together through thick and thin, in it together...
I never got to say goodby, tell him how much I loved him, how very much he meant to me and how sorry I was for all the times I was crabby, stubborn & selfish, how I left life get in the way, how much I truely appreciated everything he had done for me, all the happy times we shared. Now he's gone...
I never realized just how much I would miss him. Jeez I miss his arms around me, his rough hand in mine, his touch, his smell, his laugh. I'd give anything right now to have him in the kitchen making a mess for me instead of complaining about it.
I know I have to get out of this funk I'm in, other people have it worse or just as bad, but I just don't know how or even have the energy to do it,
What am I goimg to do??? We never planned on this happening, never planned for the furture always figured we had lots of time. And to top it off I was in my first accident, looked both ways before entering road way and smash. I wonder when I should just throw my hands up and say ENOUGH I GIVE UP!!!

Comments for My Love

Click here to add your own comments

May 16, 2013
My Love
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous reading your post again led me to believe that if you haven't known God in your life you won't know that God is no respector of persons. Even though I have walked with God all my life I was still very angry with Him that he didn't save my husband. God can take our anger because it is absorbed in His LOVE. God's Love actually dissolves hate so that He sees all people alike. There are no good people or bad people. Just people who have been born into a fallen sinful world and need to be saved from SIN which we are all conditioned by. Some people perhaps like you describe your husband and I like to describe my husband as good people are still living in a sinful world but perhaps did not let Sin rule their life to therefore become bad people. So therefore the sub human people you refer to is seen in the eyes of God as sinful people needing to be saved from where they are so God leaves them in the world to give them a chance to be SAVED. Everything of course is by CHOICE. We either Choose to believe or Not to believe. But everyone is given the chance to be REDEEMED (Saved). It has taken me a lifetime to get my head around this one. But this is because I didn't understand SALVATION. Why would God go to the cross for me. He went to the cross for everyone. So we are all given a chance. It was God who saved me from a life of depression. It was God who brought me through crisis after crisis. He doesn't spare us the trials of life but He takes us through them and delivers us from evil every day. God is able to deliver us from Guilt. All you have to do is give your depression and guilt to God and let Him handle it. Don't suffer anymore. I come back to an empty house without my husband but I put God in our home and God lives with me everyday in our home even if my husband is not living here anymore. I will be reunited with my beloved husband again. This is my Hope. I hope you find Peace and Hope to live each day.

May 15, 2013
My Love
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your husband to a sudden death which has left you so desolate and in this black hole you can't recover from. WE all have choices and you have exercised your choice to not be told of how it will get better, and how God can help you. etc. I respect how you feel. It doesn't make sense to be in relationship and then all of a sudden it all ends. Nothing can make it better or alter the reality that you do have to go back to an empty house and you are all alone. But as we are all different we all try to put in to our lives what can help us either move forward or try to absolve this awful pain 0f grief that is so unbearable. I was in that black hole. I did climb out of depression, but I got support to get past the pain I was in. I think you are punishing yourself and feel if you did something quicker your husband would be still alive? YOU DON'T KNOW THIS for certain.
My mother had symptoms of a heart attack but was not quite sure and so didn't want to bother anyone. She left it too late and she died 10 years ago. Whilst my father is 91yrs. and has serious health problems he is dying slowly and wanted to die 10yrs. ago. My husband worked with asbestos working hard for his family unaware he was working with a killer of a substance. No one knew of the health risks. He died of lung cancer. He wanted to live. He worked hard for 47yrs. Was about to retire and died before he could have the retirement he earned. I now live alone with deep sorrow. I have heart trouble and on lots of meds for this. So I could die suddenly and have no control over this. One just doesn't know what will happen. I was angry for a long time. Nothing is going to bring my husband back so I just have to accept this. I don't know what will work for you to get you out of your depression? For me I do have a faith that helps me cope and go on each day. I just hope you don't punish yourself anymore for your husband's death. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Don't let your grief assault you. Perhaps then your depression will get better. We can throw you a lifeline here on this site. But only you can take hold of it. I hope that you will have supportive family and friends to walk with you through this sorrow and deep loss of your husband because it does make a difference. May you be comforted in your grief and loss.

May 15, 2013
you will all hate me
by: Anonymous

My husband and best friend of 31 years died mar 19 of this year. No one in a million years could have ever told me I would find myself here where I don't want to be (as I know none of you do) nor that a man who looked out for his health as I looked out for him could be under siege of a heart attack mistaking it for indigestion--which he seldom ever got. He was retired, at home, happy and suddenly gone within 45 minutes! I asked him several times if he was having any of the typical symptoms such as nausea, arm tingling--no--turns out he had atypical symptoms and I did not know there was such a thing! So we wasted time, then were out of time and I have gone into a big deep hole of guilt and regret from which I cannot emerge. I am still waiting for DC to state cause but I feel I was the cause for not calling an ambulance to give him a fighting chance. I feel guilty even taking another breath. He was my life, and all the things you ladies say of your spouses. Now what? Don't ask me to have patience, or credit that thing called god, or it will get better, or join a group so I can still come home to an empty home wreaking of him in every cranny. I don't need pop psychology, prayers, time, etc. whatever! From what I read and I have been on many sites we're all never gonna be the same. Its just a matter of managing depression or wasting away to die. It was cruel that this happened to him, a good, decent man with all the garbage sub-humans who get to continue on!

Mar 08, 2013
My Love
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Linda,
We all have a rough road ahead of us, but we all will in time make it. I used to say, I am faking it until I make it. I looked like me on the outside, but I was crying on ths inside. I still am crying on the inside after 21 months. On June 27,2013 it will be 2 years that Red is gone. I will always love him and miss him, we all will love and miss our husbands. This isn't the life we thought we would have, but we have to learn to go on without them and that is the hardest part-accepting that they are gone and learning to go on without them.
I joined a grief support group through my church, shortly after his death. That was one of the best things I did. I developed a friendship with other widows. We do alot of things together . We all would rather have our husbands at our side, but that part of our life is gone. We have to learn to make a new life for ourselves. Living without them is the hardest part.
Our lives are forever changed. Everything is different for all of us. Part of us died with with our husbands. We feel incomplete. Our grief is ours to own. Don't ever let anyone tell you, to get over it-WE NEVER REALLY GET OVER IT, WE LEARN TO GO ON. I don't really like my new life. I want my old life back,but that isn't going to happen. I want Red back, but I want him back healthy. He wouldn't want to be a burden to me. But yet, healthy or unhealthy I would always be there for him, as I know he would have been for me.
We all are strong women. Our husbands are physically gone, but there spirit lives forever and we will always carry them in our heart.
You are still in the early stages of your grief. I still remember my early stages and I am amazed I have come this far. I know my God carried me alot Be easy on yourself. Take it one day at a time.
If you need or want to chat more, my e-mail is patj@new.rr.com

Mar 08, 2013
Enough
by: Ann

Dearest Linda;
oh please don't give up. I too, am feeling very sad. I miss my husband so much, sometimes there doesn't seem to be much point. But then the sun shines through, there's a glimmer of hope and I am able to carry on to the next obstacle. get yourself as much outside help as you can. Does your church offer any bereavement groups? Somebody told me yesterday when I was feeling really down that the good Lord never gives us more than we can handle. While that might not seem possible at this time I think that it is something to hold time. I pray that you find the strength and support that you need.
Ann

Mar 07, 2013
ENOUGH
by: Linda

It is so hard I have a knot in my stomach, a pain in my chest, all the time. It just keeps getting harder and harder. With missing him so very much and worring about finances, I sure do feel like giving up. We were so foolish and never planned ahead, so here I sit now up to my eyeballs in bills,and a son who is so selfish. My hubby always tried to talk to me about him, but being a mom and our only child I always stuck up for him, but now when things are rough for me his true colors are coming through. I think I've had enough...

Feb 28, 2013
my love
by: silver

Your story just hits me in the heart.I am 64 now, but I was 61 when my husband,my soul mate died. I remember when my love died on May 29,2011 just exactly one week after our 33rd anniversary.We went out to eat on Sunday.By Tuesday he was in ICU on a breathing machine and by the next Sunday he was gone. Whenever I went in to see him I would cry and beg him not to leave me.In the end I prayed to GOD that he would do what was best for him. He had emphysema with only 40%of his lung power left.He got pneumonia and it went septic and began killing his organs.They found a tumor in one of his lungs so even if he came home he would be on oxygen 24/7 and chemo.He probably would only have lived another couple of weeks at home the drs said because he was so week and thin. I know I would have been unable to sleep for fear he would die while I was asleep so it was for the best.Like you I miss his arms around me.I miss his kisses,his sense of humor,his smell. I even had a hard time letting go of his clothes because of his smell on them.I didn't wash any of them until the smell was gone.I still have some of his things:his wallet,comb,coat,robe,house slippers and a few others.It's so hard to realize he isn't coming home again.I still cry at times but not as hard or as often.Our anniversary is coming up in May and I hope I can deal with it.Love and prayers to you.May GOD send you strength and peace.HIS love has helped me.

Feb 20, 2013
My Love
by: Doreen U.K.

Linda I had to write again as we are only given a little space.
I am 65yrs. this July. You are 61. YES! we are getting more tired and feel it. Especially if you are working in construction a heavy area for a woman. At 65yrs. I am clearing out my husband's garage and filling a skip. Silly at 65yrs. But what choice do I have? We do what we have to. Grief also makes us more tired on top of the work we do. If you are able to see a grief counsellor through your social services or doctor you may have to pay a small fee and only need a few sessions to help you through the tough times ahead. This support would be invaluable to you.
My husband took out a life insurance. Poorly advised. Paid premiums for over 40yrs. and had 46yrs. to go till he was over 90yrs. Steve died at age 65yrs. The pay out only covered half of the funeral of $24,000. I had to pay the other half of $12,000. Which was better than nothing. So many insurance information is falsely given when one takes out a policy and often my husband was not covered. This one was easier and I had no problem. Perhaps because my husband had paid up for over 40yrs. Another policy for critical illness Steve paid into for over 15yrs. With an exclusion clause Steve was not covered and didn't get any money. So it can work either way. You really need an attorney to check out the policy first. It is worth paying for this. Worse if you feel you are covered and not.
When you are tired and struggling one can easily beat themselves up with what we should have done. Give yourself the confidence that you are doing well. Don't let anyone dictate to you that you should be coping or getting over your grief. This is not true. Us Widows can make ourselves sick now with financial worries. I too have that problem. See if you can rent out the garage, or a room or two till you build up some money and get on your feet. But be careful who you share your home with if this is the only option to keep your head above water. I am thinking the same way. Best of luck. Write back if you need to. Best wishes. Doreen

Feb 20, 2013
My Love
by: Doreen U.K.

Linda you are not feeling sorry for yourself and people will always have it harder. Give yourself permission to express how you feel and have your difficulties validated.
After a spouse dies there is so much to deal with. I am fed up of the tax man sending me forms to fill in asking the same information they already have on their system. I have to make expensive phone calls to the department of taxes. All widows face these problems so you are not alone even if it feels this way. Because you/we ALONE still have to deal with it all individually.
Firstly put it all down on paper so you can see it. Don't keep it in your head as it will feel like a mountain. Prioritize this list and then tick off each item as it has been dealt with. If you have little money and don't know how to pay the bills you may decide to downsize and sell your home and free up some money so you can live better and with less worry. Take each stage as it comes. Ask around and find out information about how you can be supported whilst making a move. It is hard work. But necessary. I have always had to tackle these issues but I still had my husband around for support. I am now doing it alone. I thought I would have to sell our home. But I decided to stay and now got the builders in to do the repairs my husband would have done. the money is running down so I have to be careful. Trying to finish the house for my daughter so she has nothing to take care of. Luckily our mortgage is paid up. But we do have all the other stuff like Gas, electricity, council tax, water rates, TV Licence, House Insurance, Telephone bill. Food. Is there anything else I have forgotten? My pension doesn't cover this all so I have to be very careful. I am over spending on food every week. I am getting concerned now also just like you. I need to rent out a room or the garage but don't want the hassle of dealing with difficulties that arise. But I need to build up some money for the difficult times. Often it doesn't feel as if it is worth it all. But it is part of our new Life change as a Widow. We have little choice, and have to make changes now for our present and future. When you break it down into stages of things to do it is more manageable.

Feb 19, 2013
My Love
by: Ann

Dear Linda;

Are there any bereavement groups where you live. I have just got into a spousal bereavement group and all the other people (except 1) are women - similar in age to myself. In fact one woman is the same age as me (within 3 months) and her husband was exactly the same age (within 5 months) as my husband. She lost her husband one month after I lost mine. It is so wonderful to hear comments coming out of other people that match exactly what you are thinking. You are not alone on your grief journey. Reach out and find help. It really will get better.

Feb 19, 2013
Does it get any better???
by: Linda

It just gets harder & harder, I just don't know how to find my way out of this mess. I'm so glad I can use this space as a sounding board, that I don't have to worry about saying the wrong thing. People actually think you're suppose to just pick yourself, up brush your self off and go on as if nothing happened. When my husband passed so suddenly we didn't have life insurance, not much in savings/checking, but were making things work paying our mortgage and bills on time. There never was much left for much else and we always planned on getting life insurance but put it off(stupid I know) Now I'm sitting here worried to death how I'm going to make ends meet and not lose our house we worked so long and so hard to get. I'll get some of his S.S. and can keep working but I'm 61 now, I'm getting tired before my time. I work in construction and it's hard for a women in that field(even in this day & age) I worked with my husband and he always buffered me from that stuff. I don't know, I feel as if I'm losing myself, losing my self confidence. It's so terribly hard losing your spouse, but with all this added stress & pressure, I just can't deal with it any more. Like I said I'm so glad I can vent here, no one understands when I talk & cry about this, they kind of just avoid me now. I try not to feel sorry for myself, & I know some people have it worse off than I do, but I'm just wondering if its all woth it anymore.

Feb 16, 2013
Hang iin there
by: Ann

I, too, understand what you are going through. I lost my husband of 22 years to a sudden heart attack on Nov. 20, 2012. We were preparing to leave on a vacation on the Friday and I had gone out to get my hair done. When I returned home I found that he had passed away on the bed while he was playing Nintendo. He was my life and we were each other's best friend. Like others I have regrets of taking him for granted but everyday I told me how much I loved him. Some days are easier than others and some days are harder but I keep on plugging. I just keep myself as busy as possible - I hate being alone in the house.

Feb 16, 2013
My Love
by: Doreen U.K.

Linda it doesn't matter how strong or independent we are, we are coping with the very worst tragedy that can happen to us. WE LOST OUR MOST PRECIOUS HUSBAND'S. We will cry and grieve for a long long time. But as you say. ONE DAY AT A TIME. I met my husband at work and it was the best thing that happened to me. For you having worked with your husband will leave this great big VOID in your life and in your workplace. It is the worst feeling ever. I am retired but have a lot of work in the home to do so this will occupy me. I feel WORK IS A BLESSING. It fills our day and helps our day go better. But saying this it is hard to work with Grief in your body wearing you out. KEEP STRONG. don't expect too much of yourself. Ignore those people who say the wrong thing. You just give yourself the time and space to manage your grief the best way you can. When possible introduce some special times for You into your day. As widows we still have a life and must make the most of this without the guilt. Because my husband worked away from home a lot and did a lot of travelling I had to do most of the Male jobs around the house so I am able to cope better. But I still have to deal with tradesmen to do the jobs my husband would have done as a carpenter. I am fed up of being ripped off. I am putting my glad rags on and sanding the walls instead of paying for the skimming. I will deal with the dust later. If my husband could see me now? the work is never done. Today is Saturday the day he died. I hate Saturday's now. Like you I wonder when this grief will end and Healing be complete. Keep strong and write back as many times for the support you need. Best wishes.

Feb 15, 2013
How Hard It Is
by: Linda

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments, I'm sitting here crying as I read them. I really don't know how to go on without him. This sounds strange to me as I always considered myself so independent, so strong. I never realized just how much I leaned on my hubby, how much I counted on him and and bless his heart he WAS always there for me. I regret not telling him enough, why did I always think I had so much time to let him know.
I have to go to back to work Monday(we always worked together) and the thought of it is making me sick to my stomach. I will take one minute, one hour, one day slowly, and force myself to get through. You are all so brave, you give me courage to go on honestly.
My heart goes out to all of you,
Thank you.....

Feb 15, 2013
My Love
by: Doreen U.K.

Linda I am sorry for your loss of your husband to a sudden death. It is not an easy grief when one has been married for as long as you. 41yrs. is a long time to live with someone and not miss them.
I was married 44yrs. and lost my husband to lung cancer 10 months ago. my husband worked with asbestos which takes between 40-60yrs. to develop.
My husband did not get to enjoy his retirement. A man works all his life and gets to retirement and then dies. This is such an unfair life. We don't get to enjoy any good times we had earned into our mature years. I am almost 65yrs. and my husband would have been 67yrs. this June. We thought we would have had some good years ahead of us. It just goes to show how life changes so quickly. We feel like our life is over and what is the point. But we simply don't have a choice whether to go on or give up. We have to continue the cycle of life and make what we can of it. I have 3 sister's who have their husband's and one sister in Australia who is like me a WIDOW. There is no easy way to go on each day. It was horrible going through the long dark nights and feeling all alone. The days will get brighter and longer and I don't know if anything will make a difference without the one we have Loved and Lost. You are very early in your grief and I hope that you have supportive family and friends to walk with you through this valley of ups and downs in our Loss and Sorrow.

Feb 15, 2013
I know..
by: Anonymous

..what it feels like to lose the love of your life suddenly. No chance to say goodbye, to say "I love you," to say sorry for all the times you were the source of hurt. Like you, we had been together a long time. Losing your life's anchor will turn you upside down and inside out. I wish it was easier. I know exactly what you're going through, and my heart goes out to you. Know that you are in my thoughts, and those of many others.

Feb 15, 2013
so sorry
by: June

Linda
My thoughts are with you during this sad time. I will never get over losing my husband, Mike. We were married for 41 years, and I miss him so much. Like the others, I talk to Mike everyday. This site is also a great help. I now can go for days without crying, but all of a sudden something will happen, a song, a smell, movie, something to make me so very sad again. Crying is a release. Mike passed away in March of 2012. I didn't want this life, but what choice do I have? I want him back. I do know what you are going through. I feel so much better when I dream of Mike, but that doesn't happen very often. He is never far from my mind. Thinking of you and hoping things will get better.
June
Canada

Feb 14, 2013
My Love
by: Allison

Hi Linda - Your story is so similar to mine - so quick, no warning and no chance to say goodbye. We also had 42 years together and are of similar ages. I've been 15 months along this journey now and all I can say is that somehow, some way it does become a little more bearable. Hang in there. Regarding your accident, I had a similar experience shortly after Kent died but fortunately it was a near miss. It seemed that I was moving my vision too quickly and the oncoming car was blocked by the bar between the front and side windshields. I think during the early months of grief we dart and move far more quickly than usual. From my personal experience do a double, triple look before accelerating. Before Kent's death, I had never had this problem. This site is a godsend. Hope it will help you. I know the pain is unbearable right now but honestly, time does help. All my sympathy for your loss, and all my good wishes.

Feb 14, 2013
Hang in there it WILL get better
by: SansCoeur

Linda, I am so sorry for your loss. I am on the same road as you, I lost my love to a heart attack on 22 September 2012. One second he was there, the next he was dead. I feel for you, thinking of where I know you are in this horrible process, it takes me back to my own.

All I can say to you is: stick with it, it WILL get better in time. Patience is our best ally in this process and our hardest lesson. This is a very long process (much longer than we want it to be), and I know that right now you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, all you have is darkness. But brighter days are ahead, if you can wait long enough.

I know how hard this is; I was suicidal for the first five weeks and even now there are days when I regret not having done it. But I can tell you that I don't any more feel broken like I did in the early months and I do have bright patches now.

If reading is your thing, you might like to get Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World, by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, out of your library. I have read several grief books now and this one is helping me the most of any. This lady also lost her love to a heart attack. The central idea is that there are seven conscious choices that we grievers have to make in order to get through the process healthfully and out to the other side. I haven't finished it because I want to read it along the way of my process. At the moment you are probably still at the first choice which is "To experience and express my grief fully (again and again)". I know this is gut-wrenchingly painful, but try to grieve as much as you can in this early stage. You will know when you are moving out of it and into another stage. Perhaps for you, as with me, the choice for the next stage will be "To endure with patience" -- I repeat this to myself multiple times each day! Whenever I get sick of feeling down I remind myself that it is my job at the moment to be like this and that one day I will move into the next stage.

I wish you all the best with your process, however it works out for you. We are all members of a club that none of us would ever have asked to join. It sucks; we have had our dreams ripped from us brutally and suddenly and life will never be the same again. But it CAN be good again, IF we have the patience and wisdom (and courage! sometimes that is lacking in each of us and we need great huge gobs of it) to work through this grief process. You are under the dark storm clouds right now but they are not infinite, they will pass and the sunlight will break through again one day.

Take care

Feb 14, 2013
Love Of my life
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Linda,
Your story sounds so much like mine.
My husband of 46 years died on June 27,2011, the day after our 46th wedding anniversary., from a massive heart attack. One minute here and then gone.I will always love my husband as you will yours. We will always carry them tucked safely in our heart. When we lose someone we love, we never quite get over it, but we slowly learn how to go without them, always keeping them ticked safely in our heart.
Tjis journey of grief, is not as easy journey. Sometimes it seems to overwhelm us. We do go on, we really don't have a choice. It is not a life we would choose, but this is what it is and we just have to take it, one day at a time, one step at a time. My heart still has this ache for my husband and I still talk to him everyday; first thing when I wake up and the last thing I do at night, telling him how much I love and miss him.
This site is awesome, you will get alot of encouragement from others going through this grief journey with you. I still come onto it everyday. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • XML RSS
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget
->


 POPULAR
  RESOURCES


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the

GRIEF CLUB


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief
Program

Free Griefwork
E-Course

Free Stress
Management
E-Course



SBI Video Tour!