My Lovely Daddy

by Lina

I was 8 years old when my father died because of a heart attack. Now I am 18 years old and in some days I will have lived 10 years without him.

My dad was my weakness, something that I guess is normal for a little girl, and I was his weakness. He was the smartest and most kind person you'd ever meet. No matter what his problems were, he would go through them alone.
He was a civil engineer and a workacholic too...Which was why he smoked 6 packs of chigarettes EVERY SINGLE DAY...

Before the last heart attack, he had another heart attack 5 months before. The doctors told him to start a healthy diet, quit smoking, and sleep more than 4-5 hours like he usually slept. Everything was good at first until my mother realized that he secretly started smoking again and that he had stoped his medication....

Then one day he started feeling sick..He didn't want to call the hospital..But my mom called them..Then he denied leaning on a wheel chair, he didn't want to look weak...Then he died...

The 4 first days I was miserable... But for the last years I can't stop asking WHY???
Why MY father??? Why was he so stubborn??? Why couldn't he stop smoking??? Why didn't he go to the doctors??? Why do I have to live the rset of my life with a memory???? A memory that every single day I am afraid it will fade more and more...

I feel scared and overwhelmed. I feel that I am half dead. I feel guilty that my life goes on, that this year i am going to college, and he is not here to see me grow up, he won't see his grandchildren.

There are so many feelings inside of me that anything I say just isn't enough... Just the way my love for you and how much I miss you cannot be described through those words...I hope you see me from wherever you are, and forgive me for being mad at you!!!

I'll always love you