my lovely mum
I lost my mum on 3rd April this year. I knew it was inevitable because my mum had been diagnosed with terminal cancer two months before. But the pace at which the disease took her was shocking and up until a week before no doctor had given us any indication of a timescale. We were struggling on with caring for Mum to the best of our ability thinking we had lots of time left with her. The end came quickly when she was admitted to a hospice for end of life care. This care was wonderful but I didn't realise it meant the withdrawal of all her medications immediately which meant she drifted away within 5 days. She was comfortable and her end was peaceful but it came as a shock for her to go so quickly. I don't know if having more time would have made it easier or not. At the time of her passing I just felt totally numb - I didn't really know how to react. I just felt incapable of feeling anything and was busy worrying for my Dad and my sisters. It's now nearly four months since my Mum died but I am finding life very difficult. I miss her so much - no more phone calls inquiring about my boys, asking how we are. She was the one person in my life who took most interest in me - loved me unconditionally and was always there for me. I can picture her warm welcome when we visited, such delight to see us and her fond farewells when we left, waving us off til we were out of sight. I still have moments where it hits me afresh that I won't be talking to her ever again and it just makes me well up with tears. I have tried to stop going over the detail of the last few months of her life as it was harrowing and so distressing to witness but these memories are the most vivid I have as they are the most recent. I am struggling the huge loss I feel, it is debilitating and affecting my whole ability to get on with my life. I don't really have anyone to discuss it with as none of my friends have experienced it. Nobody mentions it to me anymore - everyone assumes it's along time ago now and life just goes on. I don't really know how to move forward as thinking of my Mum just sets me off every time but I certainly don't want to not be thinking of her often. At the moment my first and last thoughts of everyday are of her - and very often in between. I wonder will there come a time when thinking of her brings a smile and not tears?