My lovely Mum

by Bev
(Brighouse, wes yorks)

My youngest boy was born on march 11th 2008, I called him William Henry, finding out later, to my amazement, that my Mum's brother had the same name...and my Mum was made up that I'd called my new baby the same name....2 months later our world came crashing down when my beautiful Mum was diagnosed with aesophagal cancer.....there was never a light at the end of the tunnel, she couldn't eat, she was sick all the time and over 2years it was knock after knock, my Mum had gone from a busy, working woman who's social diary was busier than mine, to a frail little thing who needed help at the toilet and could hardly get her was sickening to watch but I would do it all again just to have her back with me...I had a side to me that i never knew existed, givin my Mum warfarin injections everyday and my Mum being able to tell me how many more days she had to have it as she ticked them off...I sat with her through her chemo, I held her hand when her specialist delivered bad news after bad news...we cried, we smiled we never spoke about the inevitable, it was something we just couldn't do........I was sat with her on New Year's Eve 2009 and she had got yet another dose of pneumonia but the doctors said that they weren't willing to drain her lungs anymore....she only had 1 lung working at this point....we had some special conversations that I will never forget hat night, we told each other how much we loved each other and finally I had to ring the nurses as my Mums breathing had become difficult...................I sat with her, holding her hand while she coughed, struggled to breathe and was sick, through the night then eventually the nurses decided she couldn't go on any longer and the time had come where they had to give her something more..................I was with her when she took her last breath, it was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen an will ever see, this gorgeous, beautiful woman who gave me life and nurtured me, taught me, held me, loved me.....she was's disbelief, it still is....and after almost 3 yrs I don't feel any better, I can't talk about her, I miss her kids have kept me going....I think he loss of our Mum, apart from he loss of a child is the worst thing in the Mum brought me & my sister up alone and she was just the best....I miss her every second of every day....

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Oct 31, 2012
by: Anonymous

I feel as though I need to say something to you, but I'm not exactly sure what to say to someone who has been living with so much pain for so long. So, if you'll allow me, I'll just write and see what happens...

I have recently lost my Mum, too, and it has been the most devastating and sorrowful experience of my entire life. Yet, I do not believe that our mothers would want their departure to cause us so much pain for so long. All our lives, they took care of us, defending and protecting us from the inevitable strife and sorrow which are a part of life. It was their mission to shield us against adversity, and I would like to believe that they continue in that mission, wherever they are. I know for sure that my Mum would not be happy knowing that her departure, her "promotion" to a place of peace, would cause me such agony. She never wanted to do anything that would be hurtful to me. She left because she needed to find deliverance from her pain. I could not provide that for her, and so I had to give her up.. I had to release her to a higher power who was able to give her the care which I could not give.

I think the hardest thing to accept is not knowing where they are. My Mum and I lived 800km apart throughout my adult life and for much of the time I was not able to be with her or to be involved in the "small things", the day-to-day activities and events of her life. I regretted that, yet I always felt secure in the knowledge that I knew where she was, and that she was being taken care of by someone whom I trusted. Now, I do not know. She is in a place which I cannot reach, and I do not know if she is okay. The only thing I can do now is to try to understand that the struggle which she endured during her final days is over. It is finished. My pain and my longing for my Mum is the price which is exacted in return for her peace. I willingly pay the price, knowing that one day the debt will be honoured and the account will be settled. I know that the longing will linger for as long as I live; the scar of her departure will be a part of me for as long as the scar of my arrival was a part of her. But, I am certain that the longing will be sweetened by the happy memories which she provided for me.

It seems there is one thing about losing a loved one which we fail to consider. There was a time, before they were born, when they were not part of this Earth. There was a time, too, when we were not a part of this Earth. I like to think that my Mum has returned to that place which she had to leave in order to find me. One day, we will find each other again, and, one day, your Mum will find you again. Trust, and let your hope be revived.

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