My lovely son leighton

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My lovely son leighton

by Julia Edwards
(Clwyd N. Wales)

Leighton hugging lloyd his bro

My son leighton was 22 when he died. He died on xmas day 2010. I have three sons, ages 29, 25 and 22. My middle son liam and I went to get leighton to bring him to my partners home for xmas lunch. we got to our flat at 12.30. the flat door was open, not locked, we shouted him, i looked in the front room and liam went into the bathroom,then i heard the most horrible scream from liam.....and he wouldnt let me go in the bathroom, but i went in....leighton was dead....he had tied the dogs lead around his neck, and onto the shower head rail, he had slumped to his knees and hung himself.

this was a cry for help that had gone wrong, he had been drinking all day with his dad, and then went on to drugs, which he did after drink occasionally. he phoned me at 8.30 xmas eve, his voice was flat and i begged him to come to us as he said he was going to, but he said no, i am going to my brothers liams, i said please son don't be on your own on xmas eve......he assured me that he was going to liams, so i said, i will pick you up in the morning to come for lunch with liam, he said ok mum see you 2m........

My feelings of guilt have overwhelmed me, I should have gone and got him xmas eve, brought him to me....why did he do this, he wanted to scare me, as he had done no end of times.....but he collapsed, and we weren't there to save him, .....his depression didn't help, and i used to say to him...please leight stop doing that stuff it's going to kill you one day....and he said your right mum, am stopping it.

every day i cry, every day i miss him, we were so close, every day i ask why????? i feel as though i am not going to last much longer, cos the pain i have is overwhelming at times......i just want my son back, to hold him and tell him that i love him with all my heart. i have buried leight in a new plot, and my other sons know that there is a place for me when it is my time. i will see leighton again one day ......until then...stay close too me son, i love you with all my heart xxxxxxxx

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My lovely son leighton

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your beautiful son leighton
by: jules

julia, my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your beautiful son, thank you so much for the kind words you left about my wonderful daughter Cindy, it truly is a strange world when the people that reach out and give you the most comfort, our themselves going through the worst time any body could imagine, how can any mother or father not feel guilt we carried them, nursed them through chicken pots, measles, toothache, and heartache, and couldnt save them or be with them at the end. my heart breaks for you, and everyone else on here as nobody but us can understand that gut wrenching pain you feel each morning, my thoughts are with you and your family jules xxxxx

heartfelt thanks
by: julia edwards

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who has taken the time to write their comments here, for my son leighton . It has made me realise that I am not alone, there are many of you out there with the same feelings, the same thoughts and the same pain. It lifts my spirit to know that I am not going mad, that the same pain is felt by others in the same situation. I am going to get help, because i realise now i need to. thank you once again xxxxx

Julia, please write me
by: Anonymous

Dear Julia,

Dear heart, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your pain comes through your words and I ache to put my arms around you and let you cry. We moms need each other at such a time, no miles are too many. I don't have anyone near who has been through the same pain and yes, suicide is a special pain and certainly not for sissies. I have been on my journey for a few years now and I can listen to your story and we can share, if you would like that. You can reach me at impossiblejoy@yahoo.com.
Gracie

sharing your sorrow
by: gloria

I too buried my son of a drug overdose July 2009. To bury an adult son (he just turned 43) is a grief extremely deep but there is grace as I continue to experience .................keeping busy and caring for others helps, as we are in a broken world, many wounded still with us. His bipolar condition added to his substance abuse and I saw him hurting often and also hurting those who cared deeply for him.

They say time heals, haven't found that to be true, but opening my heart to others..... sometimes just a listening ear with empathy is helpful. No answers on why or what his life was all about, but a mother always sees her son as the little boy she so carefully looked after.

Take care of yourself....and know many of us care and know your pain............

Your Son
by: Anonymous

Dear Julia,
I am not going to tell you I know exactly how you feel because each one of us are different & had different relationships with our sons. I will tell you I have a good idea how you feel, you see my son was 36yrs. old & hung himself on Sept.20,2010

he used a belt but hung himself in the bathrm. from the shower rod in his condo. He was depressed, him & his wife had separated & for one full year we talked every single day sometimes 4 or 5 times a day. I tried to help him past the pain of the impending divorce; he had 3 boys I tried to tell how hurt & devastated his boys & family would be.

I thought I got through to him he convinced he was doing so much better. He went & consulted an attorney about custody of the boys, went to work everyday I thought everything was fine. On Sunday evening he called me crying that he didn't want to do this anymore, I tried to get to come to our house he also said he would be fine.

That was the last time I spoke with him.On Tuesday his boss called & said he hadn't been at work in 2 days, I sent the sheriffs dept to check on him so they found him. I do feel much guilt I cry everyday, I go to the cemetary almost everyday.

This is the worse pain I have ever felt,it feels like someone tore my heart out. I've been told we will never get over this but in time it will get easier. I pray for all of us who are on this horrible journey. Keep writing & keep reading this website. There are to o many of us on here but we all are on the same rough,rocky & pain road. God Bless

i feel ur pain
by: Anonymous

hi, i no wat ur going through, on dec 22 2010 my daughter brittany was killed in a car crash she was 22 i miss her so much i feel so empty an lost without her!! god bless u an ur family

Please Don't Feel Guilty
by: TrishJ

Dear Julia
(my daughter-in-law's name, such a beautiful name)
Please don't feel guilty. I carried a tremendous guilt that almost ruined my life after my younger brother Tom passed away. I made the heartbreaking decision not to give him one of my kidneys when his began to fail.

The doctors talked me out of it stating he had too many other complications and the transplant would only prolong his suffering. Still I felt tremendous guilt that ate at me like cancer for so many years. It almost ruined my life.

If you feel like you just can't do it any longer it's time to ask for professional help to get you through this. Don't be afraid of asking for help. It does not mean you are a weak person ~ it means you are human.

One can only imagine the pain your son Leighton was feeling but he would want his family to carry on and try to find some joy in life. I know that probably sounds like a bunch of crap right now ~ you aren't thinking rationally ~ probably not sleeping or eating properly. This all takes a toll on your mental health.

What would Leighton want? I think he would want you and his brothers to be happy. We are all here for you ~ we are all suffering. You can't do this alone. God's blessings to you and your sons.

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My lovely son leighton

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My lovely son leighton