My loving son

by Sharon
(St. John, IN)

I lost my 21 year old son to a herion overdose on August 11th, 2012. I can't go on with out him. He was everything to me. I can't make it. He was the top of his class and the most intelligent young man I knew. He came from a good family 3 siblings. It don't make sense. WHY? We were very close. He was not a daily user. He did it only when he was depressed. His two brothers found him in his room. I quit work and consumed my life with helping him for 2 years, now he's gone. Why did I leave the house for an hour. I was the mother who should of been watching him. Everyday I niss him more and more. I want him back, I can not accept this!!!

Comments for My loving son

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Sep 11, 2013
by: Jolynn

Dear Sharon,
You are heart broken and devastated and I do understand. You want your dear son back in any condition. I too lost a son to Heroin overdose 11 months ago. He was an officer in the Marines, a black belt in military martial arts, a pro marksman, had his pilots license and was training to fly jets. He had a Bach degree in Economics. He had many friends, a brother and sister, a loving and supportive family, He was disciplined, goal oriented, patriotic, would have given his life for his country or his buddies. Instead he gave his life to a drug. Did he have an underlying disorder as your son did, depression, perhaps he was bi-polar? I will never know. It is very often that people who use drugs have a mental disorder and they are trying to self medicate. I do know that he made this choice and I nor his dad are to blame. We couldn't have stopped him. I f you had been home, u probably wouldn't have seen him do it and with that drug, it is only a matter of time until something horrendous occurs. We can't babysit them all day and night. Do not do that to yourself. Please try to free yourself of blame. we even sent him to Betty Ford he was there for 2 months(supposed to do 3), got detoxed but hooked up with a girl and got kicked out so we let them come here. they began using here so we had to put them in a motel. We gave them movie tickets and a 100.00 Grocery card so they wouldn't get bored and would have something to eat. Their plan was to get into sober living asap. But they turned the grocery card into a Visa card to get cash and buy drugs and 4 days later he was dead. I was angry at the girl and blamed her at first and shocked and so heartbroken that I just would lie on my bed shuddering and crying sometimes for two hours straight, I had night terrors , the doctor said I had PTSD. He was my hero. Your boy and my boy were great, smart kids who were playing with fire. Unfortunately, your boy and mine are in the age group where they feel invincible and they take risks.(it won't happen to ME!). Drugs know no bounds, socioeconomic or intelligence, they are killing good kids. Oxycontin was $80.00 a pill in Florida, so my Tyler switched to Heroin which is $5.00 a bag and stronger. You wonder how everyone can just go on with their lives when yours has just come crashing down. Nobody understands the depth of your sorrow. Well, I can say, at this 11 month mark, it is easier but still horrifying. I sleep with his shirt. go to lunches even if I just want to curl into a ball. My son said, "courage is endurance for one moment more". Sometimes we can only take it moment by moment. Maybe he is closer than you think..

Sep 11, 2013
by: Doreen U.K.

Hi Sharon reading your reply said you are in therapy one a week and see a psychiatrist once a month. GOOD NEWS!. I read self help books all my life, and this helped. But the time came for me to do the one to one therapy. In my 40's I took myself off to therapy with an excellent psychologist/counsellor. BEST DECISION EVER!. I have moved forward in strides. At first I did not believe this therapy was going to work. I was sceptical and only new negative. I didn't know what positive thinking was. It was alien to me. My counselling experience was so painful as if a scalpel was taken to my soul. I felt as if I was haemorrhaging slowly. Leaving my session all open with emotional oozing wounds. When I left each week I felt disoriented, and very subdued. Then healing started taking place all but slowly is this process. I started feeling good for the first time in my 40+ years of life. I grieved all my losses and my 40yrs. depression left me. It has never returned and I cope better now than I ever did. Even losing my husband of 44yrs. 16 months ago was so hard, but I coped in a way that has surprised me almost as if this is unreal and I am meant to be feeling worse. When Healing takes place inside you. YOU know it. You can never go back to feeling that same old way again. If the therapist has done his/her job then Closure takes place. Don't ever give up even on those days you feel you will never make it. The truth is that you WILL. This is a process. A test. A trial. You will see your son again. Renewed. Healed. With a new body as if it was never damaged with drugs. Now isn't this worth holding on for. My daydreams help me cope. My daydreams are of seeing Heaven. Jesus caring for my loved ones. They have gone on ahead of me and I won't be afraid to join them. Even when therapy hurts. Don't give up! See it through. You will come out feeling amazing. Best experience of my life. Best wishes.

Sep 10, 2013
by: Sharon

Thank you to all of you for writing to me. It means so much to me. It's other people that have gone through the same pain I have that help me hold on. Well, August 11th was Andrew's one year anniversary. I have OK days and some days I don't know if i will make it. I go to therapy every week & to a psychiatrist monthly. Losing a child is such a deep deep pain that I don't thing we will ever overcome. We just have to learn how to live with it. I have a husband, a 31 year old son, a 28 year old daughter who is ready to have me a grandchild & a 21 year old son that is in college a will be a nurse soon. I live for them. They all feel the pain from a loss of a sibling. They need their mom.
I pray that all of us hold on to faith. If we have faith that someday we will see our children again this will help us go on. I truly believe that we WILL see our children again. I wish I had one word that can help all of us with this unbelievable pain. Just know that all of you & your children our in my daily prayers....

Sep 10, 2013
Lost my son too
by: Jolynn

Iam so sorry for your loss. Mothers and sons have such a unique bond. I lost my son to an accidental Heroin dose too Oct. 8th 2012. It was a shock, it was unexpected and horrifying. He was an officer in the Marines. Only months prior to his death he had been training to be a fighter pilot and had the world in front of him. I have no idea why he turned so completely to drugs and to such a deadly one and so quickly. Supposedly while he was out one night with fellow Marines, he met a girl who offered him an oxycontin. It suited his chemistry(maybe he was stressing?) and he went after it but because it was so prohibitively expensive, he turned to Heroin which is potent and cheap. My husband had to restrain me when he broke the news of his death. I wanted to go to the morgue to take him a blanket because I did not want him to be cold or alone. I heard his voice a couple of nights. I had night terrors for months, Id awaken screaming and crying, I would lie on the bed for hours just shuddering, my anxiety was horrific and kept me from doing or going anywhere. The doctor said I had PTSD. At this 11 month mark I am better and it is less painful but I've worked really hard. I see a private grief counselor, go to groups, use this site, see friends, go to movies, do things even though I don't feel like it. I don't blame myself and try to be gentle with myself by avoiding most stressful situations and PEOPLE. Some people are not good to be around. Keep us informed of your progress thru this grief journey...we are here for you.

Feb 09, 2013
Thinking of You
by: lynn


Please know I feel your pain and ache with your loss. I lost my 24 yr old son three days before his 25th birthday (mixed drug intoxication – heroin and marijuana). I know you feel responsible but you can’t watch someone 24 hours a day. Yet, I know you blame yourself just like I blame myself….If I had reacted quicker and not thought it was a typical passing out…However, please try to be strong. Your other children need you. They may be appear to be fine but they are not. I have two other children and we are all still coping with Keith’s death on 5/3/12. So often, I feel like I will never feel like I once did. My psychologist and daughters are worried that I don’t want to go on. I really don’t believe I will ever have joy in my life again; yet, I know I have to somehow pull my life together and be a mother for them. I ache, frequently cry, and feel semi despondent. Yet, I’m sure that both of sons would not want us to be incapacitated by our grief and ongoing emotional agony. I wish I could say something comforting; yet, I know, the pain is overwhelming and deep to the core. Please know I care and hope you can find some solace in positive memories.

Oct 04, 2012
A Son (twin) Murdered
by: Anonymous

Sharon I know your pain all to well. My son's life was cut short @ 19 yrs old. What you are going thru is normal. Please allow yourself to go thru these changes. In time it will get better. We exepect our children to bury us. We do not expect to bury our children. You will feel numbed, you will cry constantly, however, it part of the process. Our childred is such a big part of us, losing one of them is like a part of us being torn away. And that is very hard to deal with. It has been 14 yrs since my precious son has been gone. One thing I learned is as a mother we never get over it. However we do learn to live with it as time goes on. I also learn that we will never forget them. They will always be in our hearts. If you think you will forget about your son dont worry you wont. I still say I have four children. While you are grieving you will have people who has never lost a child tell you they know how you feel because they lost a mother or father or something to that affect. Please dont let that upset you they are only trying to help to comfort you. They really dont know how you feel. I would explain to them in a polite way that it is not the same. That we expect to bury our mothers and fathers, however we dont expect to bury our children, we expect them to bury us. Then they will get it. Again my heart really does go out to you and to all the other mothers who has lost a child. I really do know your pain. I just want to let you know that it will get better with time if you allow it. Do not shut the pain down allow yourself to grieve you will heal in due time. I will keep each and everyone of you in my prayers.

Mother who lost a Twin

Oct 01, 2012
also lost a son to drugs
by: carol staton

I to lost my 31 yr old son on august 6th if some one would have told me then that I would start feeling better I would have called you a liar...The drugs were just so powerful for him to kick also in our area of Arkansas so readily available..Today almost 2 months later I am getting better I have meds also but I can breath now sometimes it felt I would never breath without pain...I miss him so much and he will forever be in my heart but day by day I am picking up the pieces

Sep 28, 2012
by: Sharon

I feel my pain and all your pain. My heart hurts so badly. We all lost children to a dangerous drug. Something none of us as parents would of ever imagined. Well, what do we do now. I feel that I will never be able to smile again. I hurt for all of us and I hurt for all of those parents and children who are dealing with this. I live in Indiana just south of Chicago and they say Chicago is the largest heroin area in the United States. I live in a small upper class community and would of never thought my merit honor student would turn to drugs. Well, I am going to start grief classes on Monday, so I can start to put my life back together. I can't leave the house because everything I see reminds me of him. I see children at the store and I remember him as a child and I have to leave the store or I see his favorite food. I want to sell my home and my husband said we would then be leaving him behind. I hope I can make it. I would love to just give him one last hug and for him to tell me he's alright! :(

Sep 28, 2012
Dear Joe MN
by: Sharon

Joe, I wish I could help you with your pain, because I know the same pain. I have been crying almost 24 hours a day for the past 4 days. The longer it gets the more I miss him. I to would love to get a hold of the dealer who sold this to my son. Last Saturday I went across the border into a bad area where I was told my son purchased the heroin. I took a bat and thank god no one was outside the home. I have never acted this way. My 30 year old son is an EMT. When my husband and went to dinner Andrew was home alone. He was working taking college classes and just finished a Real Estate class. I tried to call him about 10 mins. after we left. I felt something was wrong. I wish I would of turned around and went home. I called he about 6 times during dinner, no answer. Then I sent my 30 year old son to the house to check on him and my 19 year old got home from work at the same time. When they went in Andrew's room I was on the phone with them. They were sreaming and crying. My oldest son started CPR and chest compressions, but Andrew was blue with no heart rate a bleeding from his noise and mouth. I can't wait for the autopsy to come in to see what crap the heroin was cut with. Andrew was way to young to leave this life (21). Everyday is a battle for me. He was the most caring son. I alway told him I needed him more then he needed me. Joe we must hold on to "Faith" I am 99% sure that we will see our chidren again. Now they are gods children and he is taking care of them for us. Please keep in touch with me so we can heal together.

Sep 27, 2012
Same way one day apart our Sons were gone
by: Joe R from MN

Dear Sharon,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your pain is so real and fresh to me.
I have just started to look for ways to deal with my grief over the death of my son Tom. The unique part of seeing your post is we both lost our sons a day apart and the same way. We lostTommy on Aug 10, 2012 to an accidental heroin overdose. I will never forget the phone call I received from my daughter at 1:25 as I was at work. My one and only son was gone.
There were so many times I just wanted to wrap Tommy in bubble wrap and he would be ok. But I realized a couple years ago that I had to “let go, let God”. We had Tommy in and out of treatment and we had thought he was 6 months clean at the time of his death. There are times I am so pissed I want to rip the +alls off the guy that sold Tommy the crap, but I know that is not right either. I am so angry and feel like such a failure as a father. Faith tells me everything will be ok, but it sure looks dark right now.
I am so sorry Sharon that you are going through this heart wrenching pain. I hope you and I can find some sort of peace.
May God wrap his loving arms around you!!!!
Many Blessings,
Joe R

Sep 23, 2012
Dear Doreen
by: Sharon

Thank you so much for writing to me. You gave me comfort, & I will take all the help and advice I can get to make in through this. I have been crying non stop for 3 days.

Sep 23, 2012
My loving son
by: Doreen U.K.

Sharon I am sorry for your loss of your 21yrs old Son to a heroin overdose. You cannot hold yourself responsible for your son's death. If only you hadn't gone out, if only you had done this, or that. Your Son was an Adult who made CHOICES. He took a drug with a very high risk of death. He may not have intended to die. but he did and this is a tragic accident despite HIS CHOICE. Once you are able to accept this then you will be able to accept his death. You are going through the worst experience a mother can go through. Losing a ADULT/CHILD. You would benefit from seeing a grief counsellor as this is a traumatic death and loss. It takes some of us longer to accept the death of our loved one. My husband died almost 5 months ago from cancer. I was in DENIAL for a long time. I still find it hard to accept he is gone and never coming back home. We were married 44yrs. You can't cancel out the years you have invested in a life by accepting this as a normal part of life. Dying will always be hard to accept. Because it is felt so very deeply. Often it feels as if our world has been blown up in pieces and this is how we are. IN PIECES. You will IN TIME begin to accept your loss. Don't force yourself to do anything till you are ready. God is the only one who can give us the strength to carry on and who can Comfort us in our Sorrow and Grief. May the Peace and Comfort of God be with you always.!!!

Sep 23, 2012
Andrew 21 My baby boy!
by: Sharon

Yes, I understand, I have 3 other children, 30, 27, 20 & I love all of them the same, but my son Andrew hugged & told me everyday he loved me. The day he passed he told me he was depressed & I didn't say much. He would get depressed all the time. I didn't know what to say. We went to the store that day a bought stuff for banana splits that he wanted. My husband and I went to dinner, we hadden't been out in a long time. Andrew wanted to watch a movie when we got home. I tried to call him shortly after we left and he didn't answer, I felt something was wrong. I should of been home or turned around and went home. I could of saved my son, he overdosed twice in his room, why did I leave him alone?

Sep 23, 2012
by: Eba

Shron ,am really speechless coz I also lost my. Youngest son on the 21/2/2011 he was 26tears old I call him my son who's heart as white as the. Cotten ,he was the kinder person I've ever met ,doin good at school though he was on heroin but never missed. A class ,his hugs and kisses no one of my other three children can give me these feelings though they love me so much ,I did do detox
For him twice ,but I feel a sever guilt coz just 2 days before he passed away he asked me 2do detox but I didn't like his doctor and I told him he must go 2 a rehab so he said what about my school ,,,,oh my god I lost my precious son due 2 my ignorance ,,yes I miss him like crazy I want him back in my armed ,no need 2 tell him I love him coz he knows that ,everybody in my family knows that ,,,till now I feel he's still with me and hear us all ,RIP Abady

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