My Maria

by Michael (Empty Shell)
(Connecticut)

I lost my wife, Maria, on Halloween 2011 after a 20-month battle with pancreatic cancer. We have two beautiful boys (6 and 11-years old) that keep me going. The grief didn't truly hit me until after her memorial two weeks after her passing. So much pain, sorrow, despair followed by rage, guilt and of all things jealousy. We will start grief counseling as a family and I have started other therapy on my own as all the emotions have opened up many past issues that I did not have due to the love of my wife. She was the most wonderful person I ever met and my soul mate. In a way we have been grieving for 20-months. I hoped for a cure or that we would beat the odds all the way to the end. She died at home as per her wishes but it was so difficult because I was with her for the month she was in hospice (I took a leave from work). I had to see her go from a normal loving woman to not being able to talk or even respond and waste away feeling completely helpless and worthless as I could not do anything to help. I tried to meet all her final wishes but after all was done I was left without the will to continue. I had to of course for the children but it is an impossible task. So much pain and emptiness. I try to talk to her as if she were there and sometimes I feel a stir in my heart as if she were touching me and that does help. But for each moment of peace there are several of complete and utter devastation. It can be anything that triggers the emptiness and despair, looking at a calendar, a TV show, anything that can remind me of her and I am overwhelmed with tears running down my cheeks and I become lost and searching for her to come around the corner. All of the posts hear speak to me especially the unfairness and illogic of losing such a young and beautiful person and trying to reason with why. I am not a religious person but would like to know she continues on, I could live with myself going into oblivion but Maria was such a pure and gentle soul that I cannot live with the idea that she will not continue in the here-after. This shakes my very notion of fair and justice, of god and creation and of life and death. With my heart and soul already on the other side I do not fear death but fear existence without my Maria. I know this is a long journey ahead but does it have to be so hard.