My Maria

by Michael (Empty Shell)
(Connecticut)

I lost my wife, Maria, on Halloween 2011 after a 20-month battle with pancreatic cancer. We have two beautiful boys (6 and 11-years old) that keep me going. The grief didn't truly hit me until after her memorial two weeks after her passing. So much pain, sorrow, despair followed by rage, guilt and of all things jealousy. We will start grief counseling as a family and I have started other therapy on my own as all the emotions have opened up many past issues that I did not have due to the love of my wife. She was the most wonderful person I ever met and my soul mate. In a way we have been grieving for 20-months. I hoped for a cure or that we would beat the odds all the way to the end. She died at home as per her wishes but it was so difficult because I was with her for the month she was in hospice (I took a leave from work). I had to see her go from a normal loving woman to not being able to talk or even respond and waste away feeling completely helpless and worthless as I could not do anything to help. I tried to meet all her final wishes but after all was done I was left without the will to continue. I had to of course for the children but it is an impossible task. So much pain and emptiness. I try to talk to her as if she were there and sometimes I feel a stir in my heart as if she were touching me and that does help. But for each moment of peace there are several of complete and utter devastation. It can be anything that triggers the emptiness and despair, looking at a calendar, a TV show, anything that can remind me of her and I am overwhelmed with tears running down my cheeks and I become lost and searching for her to come around the corner. All of the posts hear speak to me especially the unfairness and illogic of losing such a young and beautiful person and trying to reason with why. I am not a religious person but would like to know she continues on, I could live with myself going into oblivion but Maria was such a pure and gentle soul that I cannot live with the idea that she will not continue in the here-after. This shakes my very notion of fair and justice, of god and creation and of life and death. With my heart and soul already on the other side I do not fear death but fear existence without my Maria. I know this is a long journey ahead but does it have to be so hard.

Comments for My Maria

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Nov 17, 2011
3 months today
by: Kevin

Michael,

I too lost my wife to pancreatic cancer in August. Mary and I were high school sweethearts at 15, married at 23 and together for over 30 years.She died in my arms after a brief 7 week struggle.She was 49- Today is the 3 month mark. Although our children are older (20 and 24) I spend as much time grieving for their loss as my own. As my journey unfolds ahead of me, I am always surprised by both an unyielding strength to survive and equally unusual weakness for giving up. The pendulum seems to swing wider than I would like and am waiting for it to quit swinging high to low. I was unprepared for the physical toll the stress put on my body and lost nearly 25 pounds. Please make sure you just focus on breathing and eating wherever/whenever you can.
I am learning to say yes to a lot of things, yes to help, yes to counseling, yes to time with friends and family. Don't worry about saying no to begin with, you'll get your bearings and your life compass will always point you toward the light. Remember, your dealing with trauma and grief together.
Sending light and love your way.

Nov 17, 2011
Maria
by: M Mack

Michael,

I am so sorry for you and your family. It's very hard for you to lose your soulmate and have room to help the kids. They need you to be strong enough for everyone. I know it's not easy especially when you loved so deeply. They say the more you loved the longer the recovery.

Maria is with you in spirit. Just look for the signs they are all around you. If for one second you see something and it feels like Maria is there, it is. You will see her everywhere because as a wife and mother, she will always worry about her loved ones.

My prayers are for you and family to recover. Take your time, be patient and better days ahead. Prayer does have the power to heal and counseling helps. We are here for you and know you are not alone on this grief journey. My best to you sending hugs for comfort.

Nov 16, 2011
You're Headed In The Right Direction
by: TrishJ

Michael~
My heart breaks for you. Being left alone with two small boys has to be overwhelming. Everyone on this site has lost a loved one ~ had their heart and soul ripped out. The grief is more than we can bear most days.
You are right to get your boys into counseling and to go as a family. You have to be strong for them and right now you can't be. It's impossible for you to be. You have to take care of yourself so you can care for them. Your brain is not operating on all cylinders and don't expect it to.
You are in the early stages of your grief. They call it a roller coaster ride. Your emotions are all over the place. After almost one year I still have to remind myself some days that my husband is actually gone. This is the price we pay, unfortunately, for such a wonderful love. My husband was my soul mate. Nobody "got me" like him and I believe nobody ever will.
All you can do is take your life one day at time. Your loss is huge and will take a long time for you to even begin to try to put your life back together. It does get better. The biggest mistake I made was longing so for my old life. Everyone and everything in my life has changed since my husband died. Nothing will ever be the same again. I still don't feel like I'm ready to let go. I don't like my new life but am learning to adjust. It is getting a bit easier. I have more good days than bad.
Have faith in yourself and Maria's love that will never die. Trust me when I say....she is watching over you and those boys. Talk to her. Do it every day. She's listening. I have to believe I will be reunited with my husband someday. It's what keeps me going.
Hoping for the best for you.
PJ

Nov 16, 2011
Your Maria
by: Anonymous

Micheal,
Please accept my condolences. I am so very sorry for you loss.
I cannot absolutely say that I know how you feel. This after all are all of your memories and your grief having lost part of yourself. I can say that I also was fortunate enough to have someone that I loved and considered me to be his soul mate. Not many men can say such mushy stuff but he did. He said that I was his sweetheart and his soul mate even when he was ill. I miss My Love I really do and I know how hard it is to raise children seeing the ones that we so loved in their eyes every day. You have found the right placed to be, to voice you pain and to know that you can come here anytime you are feeling crummy and talk to us. We have been to somewhere quite similar following this awful grief trail. It is long and some times wonder if we can even do the one step one moment at a time. But we have and you will too. Just know that your Love is looking from above and would do anything to take your hurt away. But there are signs that she is still looking out for you. Keep you mind open and you will see the little things that lets you know they she is only as far as your thoughts.
Come here for strength and remember one breath one step at a time.
HH

Nov 16, 2011
Heaven is for real
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain. Read heaven is for real and it will help you understand your Maria is in life ever after. Treasure the memories and love your children, her legacy to you. God bless and be with you. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves memories no one can steal. My husband died very unexpectedly in 2009. We had 46 + years of married life. I miss him daily and I feel him touch my heart also.

Nov 16, 2011
feeling your pain
by: Anonymous

Dear Michael, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dear husband in September. I no longer feel like I have a life-I feel like I merely exist. I dreaded going to the cemetery for the first time, but I actually felt comfort after going. Every once in a while I have a good day (a day that I don't cry from morning til night) I can only hope that your pain lessens, and, that you find love and comfort from your children, family, and friends Joanne

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