My Michael

by Ruth Mattucc
(Wilmington, Delaware)



Hello, glad to have found this site. On June the 4th, 2011 it will be one year since my son Michael passed away. He was 26 years old and my only child. He went to sleep and never woke up. I know some of you think I am lucky that my son did not suffer in death. To a degree that is true on the other hand it is no consolation in light that he is really gone and I will NEVER, hug or kiss him again. He will never say "Good nite Mom, I love you." My heart is eternally broken.

He suffered Bi Polar Disorder and chose to use illicit drugs to self medicate. From the first time his disorder showed itself full force at 14 years old and the next 12 years, it was quite the ride. I did all the right things, counseling, 12 Step Programs, tough love and none of it saved him. The coroners report said he died of "sudden cardiac dysrythmia of unknown etiology" not a heart attack. His heart just stopped firing.

His was a slow death as far as I was concerned, I watched my wonderful, funny and gifted boy turn into a shell of what he was and wanted to be.

I dont have to tell you that a part of me died with him or that I am forever changed. I do however have a strong belief that he is in a much better place than he ever has been before in his new life. I just miss being able to talk to him and hear his stories and his take on whats happening. I have come to a place where I believe that he is always with me forever in my heart. I hate thinking that I will live the rest of my life without him, so I only live it one day at a time. I am so sorry for your loss of your child. May God bring you Peace.

Comments for My Michael

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Jun 18, 2011
Hardest job ever
by: Anonymous

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry for your loss. Loving our children and then forced to give them up is the hardest job ever. I can relate. My son died by suicide a few years ago. Since then, I have journaled and anniversaries are a time for writing. I will share my thoughts with you in hope that you will be blessed.

As the anniversary date of my son's death draws near, I thought of a ?weeping? text.
Jeremiah 31:15, NLT, speaks of mothers mourning for their children
because they were no more.
I can relate.

Shedding tears of grief has been a common practice for thousands
of years because we share a planet with an
enemy whose entire focus is death.

I am learning not to stop there, but to read on: ??But God says,
Stop your incessant weeping, hold back your tears?
There?s hope for your children.?
Jeremiah 31:16-17, MSG

When this text came to my mind today, Lord, it was as if You placed
Your strong hand gently on my shoulder and breathed
comfort and peace into my sorrowful soul.

Blessings, GT

Jun 04, 2011
by: brenda

WOW The story I think touches all of us.I go and spend 8-10 hours on my son death date.I set and go though that hole day think of each minute of what he was doing,when he got up and took a shower,what he eat for breakfast what he said to his wife and kids.His wife did tell me they were having a disagreement that morning and she said she did not tell him she loves him.I tryed calling all that day from 7:30am to talk to him,about going back to school.His wife told me later that he was to busy to call me and next thing i know i got that call your son his not breathing.6hrs away in Naples Fla there where no way to get to him time.Was he calling for me momma help,momma i love you.What was he thinking,are was he.I He loved the football team the Jaguars boy there were nothing no better then them,we even tryed to get him a casket of them but the NFL had not released them.I have never looked at the pictures are opened the cards that i received i have not look at th ME report i just cant stand to see is name.My sister left the cemetery at the time it ws put on the paper i have no idea what time that was.My mom 75 has tryed to kill herself 7 times,my sister many times in the 2yrs.That whole day is just a sad day.I am sorry.

May 05, 2011
by: M Mack


No parent should every have to bury their child. I am sorry for your loss and know the pain you are going through. Anniversaries are the worst of the grief process and I know how the memories can set you back. I can tell that Michael was a very special loving son and my heart goes out to you.

This site has been very helpful for many. I found it 9 months ago when I lost the loved of my life. I couldn't believe there were so many people going through various stages of grief. Frankly, I felt safe here just knowing I was not alone. I read all the posts, old and knew. Eventually I was expressing my pain in writing. Come to this site as often as you need to.
I hope and pray for you to find comfort here. Sending prayers and hugs for your road to recovery.

May 04, 2011
I Too Feel Your Pain
by: Anonymous

My heart breaks just reading your post. Michael sounds so much like my Cody.....only the ages are different. Same circumstances, (bi-polar, drugs, roller coaster ride for 6-1/2 yrs) yet Cody's cause of death is still pending (they're saying accidental overdose - awaiting all reports).

We'll probably never really know the real cause - he had been off drugs for 7 months. He's been gone now for almost 6 months and I, like you, find it hard to think any further than 1 day at the time. Any more than that and I start having panic attacks. Even though I know he's in a better place I still miss and long for him. I'd take the turmoil again any day over this horrible grief! Our lives, like yours, will never be the same again.

My heart goes out to you and all the other Mothers & Fathers who have to endure this life without our kids. Seems so unfair, yet we have to accept it as it is and go on with our lives as best we can till we're reunited in the next realm. Hugs to you.......

May 04, 2011
There Is A Better Place
by: TrishJ

My husband died in December 2010. I lost my brother Tom 24 years ago. His was the first major loss of my life. I had just turned 34. He was 32 at the time of his death. As I walked into the church where his funeral was one of the elderly gentlemen of the congregation said, "I'm sorry for your loss. You know we are all just feeling sorry for ourselves when these things happen." I was appalled. I thought, get away from me you stupid old man. I didn't want to hear that then.
Years later, and especially following my husbands death, I realize that what he said is so profound. I'm feeling very sorry for myself. I want my husband back!! I miss him so much. It almost seems to get worse every day. I know in my heart that poor Joe was so sick. He was fighting to stay here will all of us and he just couldn't hold on any longer. God with all of his goodness and mercy decided it was time. Words of comfort~he is in a better place. That doesn't make me miss him any less. There is a part of us, as humans, that will forever be inconsolable, but with God's help we learn to live with our pain. It's been 5 months for me. With the help of this site (and the amazing people on it), my grief support group, wonderful friends and family I'm slowly coming around. It's not easy. I all takes time.

God's blessing to you and your beautiful son. He lives on in a better place.

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