My Middle Sister

by AG
(NJ)

I lost my sister in February 2014 to ovarian cancer. Just reading those seven words makes me feel like I’ve been body slammed. I still can’t get my head around the fact that I will never see her again. At night when I’m asleep this thought comes to my mind and I can feel my stomach clench, as I sleep. I was her caretaker during the last few months of her life and feel honored that she allowed me the privilege. She was an amazing person, kind and generous to a fault, loved by many.

She passed away in my home and I now see and feel her in every room. I see her in the kitchen where we would eat breakfast and dinner. I see her in the den when we would watch television and she would lean over to plant a kiss on my cheek for no reason. I see her in the bedroom when I would sit on the foot of her bed and we would talk for hours about our life and growing up. But, I also see her in the other bedroom when she was moved to the hospital bed and where she passed away (there’s that body slam again).

The grief is overwhelming and I don’t know how I’m functioning at work or outside the house. I know I must be food shopping because I see recently stocked food in the refrigerator. I know I must be feeding and walking the dog because he’s happy and healthy. But, I don’t remember actually doing these things.

My thoughts churn about her last days and how she suffered but was so brave. I wonder how she did it. How could one person endure what she went through? I’m angry with the unfairness! Throughout the four and a half years of her illness she never gave up hope, never said why me or complained. After each procedure and operation she would say, “If this is as bad as it gets I can deal with this.”

I can’t accept that she will never make me laugh again, or hear her say that my singing sounds like a mosquito. I just miss her so very much. It’s just unbearable.

Comments for My Middle Sister

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Jun 16, 2014
MIddle Sister
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your comments. I am so sorry for your loss.

It is so very hard. I feel forever changed. On Saturday the woman who does my hair was talking about her sister and what a wonderful person she is. She was telling me what they were planning on doing this coming week and as she was doing my hair I felt the tears fall from my eyes. I couldn't help it. The loss was so tremendous. I will also say I felt jealous and robbed that my sister was no longer here for me. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going but I'm empty.

Jun 13, 2014
My middle sister
by: Anonymous

6 months ago today, I lost my best friend and only sister to breast cancer after a 9 year battle. Reading your words was like reading my own thoughts. I am feeling like this as well. She was loved by all, an elementary teacher, friend to many and a loving mother of two young adults. I am soooo incredibly sad. I can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without her. They say sibling loss is the forgotten grief but you are not alone. Thinking of you and thank you for writing your post. SM

Jun 02, 2014
Barb
by: AG

I tried a support group which I thought might be good. They were there to give you the tools to help the person get through this time. In the beginning they said some things which rang true to me. One thing they said was not to ask them when you would get over it because they said you will never get over it but you learn to heal. Right now healing seems a long way off but we'll see. I was experiencing a lot of anger. They said that anger is the mind, body and spirit protesting the loss of someone that you loved. That sounded like me. It does help in some way to understand. Unfortunately, half way through they changed presenters and the second presenter was just not good. It was worse going and listening to her wondering when I could leave.
I've spoken with others who have said support groups helped them tremendously. I guess you have to find the right one.
Yes, the pain is raw when it hits. It's nothing like I've ever experienced. It has doubled me over at times.
I try to take it one day at a time but my sister pops into my head seemingly from nothing. I have no choice but to keep going. Thank you for your words. They do help.

Jun 02, 2014
Doreen
by: AG

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and what your husband endured. Sounds like he was very lucky to have someone like you caring for him. You are right, watching someone you love go through the pain and suffering is maddening. You feel so helpless. I wish that each day brings you closer to some sort of peace. It is very difficult and one thing is for sure, I am forever changed.

May 31, 2014
My Middle Sister
by: Doreen UK

AG I am so sorry for your loss of your middle sister. I am the middle sister of 5 girls and I would just hate to lose a sister.
I can identify with the cancer journey you have had to endure. It is such an unbearable suffering. My husband of 44yrs. fought terminal lung cancer for 3yrs. 39days and died 2yrs. ago. His cancer was an Industrial disease having cut asbestos in the workplace. His cancer also took 40yrs. to develop where it would always be terminal. He suffered so much cancer pain and due to lack of funding/resources did not get proper care and pain meds. A lot of the morphine preparations made him ill. The Community care nurses said that there were many different preparations, but many of the doctors just didn't bother to find out which one's worked. It added to the battle. My husband did not want to die in hospice care so I took him home against the doctor's advice. They came to the home and tried to manipulate my husband to change his mind. I made sure my husband's wishes were honoured. I cared for him for the full 3yrs.39days. It was such a painful journey sitting with the man I loved and knowing he was going to die. Hoping and praying for that miracle I needed. My husband was in severe cancer pain and died a horrible death. This adds to my grief. I couldn't function for the first 6 months of losing him. 2yrs. on I still feel slightly numb and miss his presence each day. It is not uncommon to do things and not know you have done them. Grief makes us lose our memory and ability to function the way we want to. The mind, emotions, and memory are the most difficult areas of our body to deal with. Grief assaults our bodies and makes us more tired and this also slows down our ability to think or recover from our grief. The pain is UNBEARABLE. almost as if it was an emotional cancer.
The best way forward I learned on this site is TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME.

May 30, 2014
Dear AG,
by: Anonymous

I stumbled upon this site accidentally as well, and I have to say that it has been a life saver. I don't think I would be where I am today without all of the comforting words and posts that I have read here. I never went to a support group - I come here and read. It is such a long, hard, sad journey and to know that there are people who share the exact emotions and share the same experiences, is comforting. As for my father, I still "see" him in my house. I see him in the bleachers at my son's baseball games. I see him at my front door with a cup of coffee . Even though it has been almost 18 months, the raw pain hits me so hard sometimes that I feel like I could explode. It happened to me today when I was in the grocery store. I was behind an elderly man who was wearing a cap. He reminded me so much of my father that I felt sick to my stomach. I had to fight the urge to leave my cart and leave the store. Many people here, including myself, will tell you that time is the best healer - take it one day at a time, and be kind to yourself. Slowly, it will get easier. Take care, Barb

May 30, 2014
Barb
by: AG

Thank you for responding to my post. I am so sorry for your loss. At times you feel that you're going it alone. I came upon this site by chance and feel quite lucky. Take care.

May 30, 2014
Dear AG,
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to read your post, it brought tears to my eyes. I am an only child, and always wished for a sister. I lost my father suddenly on January 13, 2014. He suffered cardiac arrest-no chance for goodbye. I cannot believe that I have managed to make it to May 2014. My world shifted that day, and I am forever changed. But somehow I managed to get through the past year, and at times I don't know how I did it. My father is always in my thoughts, and I am comforted by wonderful, warm memories. I have learned how resilient my spirit is, and how precious my time here really is. It can all change in a moment. I hope you read the posts here. We are all on the same journey, scattered all over the map, but sadly, connected by our losses. I have found such wonderful and understanding people here who have helped me heal. I wish the same for you . Peace, Barb

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