My Missing Valentine

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

It's been a hard day at work with Valentine's day coming tomorrow. I see people at the store buying for loved ones. Kids getting shirts and ties and asking do you have Valentine's ties? my heart breaking each time. Even though Billy didn't wear a "Shirt and Tie" he did on occasion, like our friends daughter's wedding as you can see by the picture posted above.
I had a copy made and now wear around my neck, close to my heart to hole in my hand, especially when I'm feeling down.
Boy is he handsome. Of course it's me saying it so that's as they say is that. I can say those things.
Things, things, things, that's all they are now. Memories I look at and wish for time and time again but will never have.
Driving home from work all you see are people selling stuff for Valentine's day on the streets and corners. I tried not to look.
Good luck with that one huh?
Lately I've been listening to the Elvis Presley station on Sirius radio, he was our favorite entertainer. They both have the same straight nose, and that secret smile. I start thinking and I end up crying my way home. But I can sing his songs like we use to when we were together in the car and I can remember, memories...
Once in the house I notice on the table are yellow roses my brother got for his wife for Valentine's Day. OK tears here we go again.
I miss being the wife, the cards the notes and flowers and on occasion Nascar laps.
Tomorrow I'm lucky to those at work. I have the day off. Oh yes lucky me.... I get Valentine's day off. All I want to do is pull the covers over my head and tell the world to go away.
I miss him so much at times it feels like my heart is breaking into a million pieces, never to be hole again.
I can never put into words the feelings my heart feels. I just know I'm broken, never to feel, always missing him again until I'm with him once more.
So I will as always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time :(

Comments for My Missing Valentine

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Feb 15, 2011
by: Eunice

God Bless you. I know most of which you write, I spent Valentine's Day going to the cemetary and taking flowers. I hated going to the stores and seeing all the flowers and balloons that people were buying, most of the time, I just put off going to the store as long as I could. This was my 1st Valentine's Day alone and I hated it. I sat at the grave, talking to my beloved, tears running down my face, remembering all the times he'd surprise me every year with roses, even when he was in the hospital.
My prayers go to you on this long journey.
1 day ~ 1 step

Feb 14, 2011
Me ~ Valentine's Day
by: Patricia From Las Vegas

I sent a box to my son for valentine's day. Something to do.
When I was in the store I can't help seeing the Valentine's flowers, cards and candy. My heart sinks. But there, over by the flowers I see something, I've never seen Calla Lily's for Valentine's Day. Well I time-warped back to the funeral and the flower's I had placed on Billy casket. Red and White Calla Lily's. It stopped me dead in my track but for not a bad feeling. Even thought these are just white, it was almost like he was showing me "I'm here" your not alone. Then of course I wanted to cry but I didn't. I had to get them. My valentine from my valentine. Though I miss him so much I know he's watching and every now and then drops in. My "Godwink" as I call it.
I love you Billy, my love, my Valentine.
1 step, 1 breath at a time

Feb 14, 2011
Me too...


I feel broken too. Its not just my heart and its not just Valentines Day. I feel as if his death shattered me. And as I try to glue myself together and find the new ? NORMAL?!! it's apparent that some of the pieces are missing and it just doesn't feel right. I can't think clearly still. Don't care one way or another and just plod alone each day. I know that there is joy waiting for me waiting for us....But how to embrace, see and appreciate it all over again?

Perhaps as winter becomes spring it will not hurt to see the seasons change again but allow me to breath deeply and remember one breath at a time.

I know that happiness awaits us all though things will never be the same. That is one thing that we all know by now. What lies ahead is a new future for us. Yes a future so hard to see or comprehend but it is there. We just need to figure out what we need to live our life instead of merely surviving it...

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