my mom clara
by carol h
My precious mother passed recently. I am still full of shock. she had cancer and pneumonia and seemed to be doing better. then she was in a car accident that took her instantly. i didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. 5 days before my birthday and a little over 2 weeks before Christmas. December 6 will live on in infamy for me. December will never be the same. she had just turned 71 only a month before. my mom was my best friend. my confidant. my everything. we had such a special bond. i could pick up the phone and call her and though she lived a thousand miles away its as if we never hung up the phone. and she had a certain way of answering when she knew it was me. and i would answer in kind. we had so much in common. we both had a love of books. she taught me to read at the age of 5. i remember she sat me on the porch and taught me "Sam i am" and every time i made a mistake she would pop my leg and make me start over. i resented it at the time, but i came to enjoy reading immensely and we shared the same tastes. i was always her little funny face. and every time the song of the same name come on by Donna Fargo she would sing it to me. I can't and don't want to accept that she's gone. I feel like I'm living in a reality where she's supposed to be alive..but she's not..everything feels pointless. Because I don't want to live in this reality without her. the emotional pain that I am experiencing is worse than any physical pain that I could ever go through. my best friend of 45 years is gone from me forever. There are no words to express the agonizing pain and sorrow my heart feels. I can't breathe. I can't sleep. I don't know how to face each second, minute, hour... forever without my mother. My love for her cannot be measured. my brother called me and told me there was a bad accident. my step father was in the hospital, but my mom was missing. i didn't understand it. then he talked to the Dr and he had me on speaker phone and the Dr. said there was a fatality. i knew my mom was gone. i was hysterical.At the words my world started to crumble. I kept screaming, I couldn't stop. i collapsed. if it weren't for my son there to catch me i would have hit the floor. how do i live without my mom? i just cant seem to process anything. they tell me the specifics and i just cant comprehend. she came to me in a dream last night. she was dressed all in white. and there was a bright light around her. she looked young and healthy, like she did before she had cancer. she didn't speak, but she put her arms around me and was stroking my hair and face. i woke up tears streaming down my face and calling for her. i called her mom. but since she's died Ive reverted to calling her mommy. RIP mommy i will see you in heaven.