My Mom died and I hate myself

My mom died on May 16, 2012. She had a lot of health issues including heart valve disease which she was unable to have replaced. She also had Dementia. She was in the hospital last September/October for a long period of time.
After this her Doctor told us that after 3 months her heart would continue to fail rapidly. Due to the Dementia my mom did not understand the seriousness of her health problems or did she remember anything that was said. My mom only wanted me with a little help from my brothers to take care of her. I did the best I could in caring for her. During the last year she was unable to bath herself, she had problems going to the bathroom by herself, she could not prepare meals for herself or do any housework. I did all the necessary things for her. However, during the last several months before she died I was truly very tired and she would not let me get any sleep at night because she would walk up and down the house, sometimes falling down, calling for me all the time. I was very fraustrated and confused about things and I found my self screaming at her a lot. She kept saying to us that she would not be around much longer than she was going to die, but I brushed this off saying to her that that was not happening, that is what Satan wanted her to say, but I knew in my heart it could happen anytime, I just didn't want to let her know.My mom was a sweet Christian, God fearing person who read her Bible and prayed every morning and night to God above. However, during the last part of her life she seemed to not be able to read her bible or pray. She did not remember these things but she still remembered God. She always talked about wanting to go back to Church which she was unable to do since she could not walk that good and she would always get shortness of breath. She believed in her mind that she was ready when God called her home. I am worried that since her memory was really very bad, she could not remember what was said the moment after it had been said, that she may have committed some sin (maybe a lie) that she did not seek forgiviness for. I should have paid more attention to her and helped her with this. However, I just seemed to ignore this until it was too late.
I love my mom very much and I will never, every tell her good-bye. I want to meet her again in heaven but what if she did not make it there because of my neglect. I don't want to go to heaven if she is not there.

Comments for My Mom died and I hate myself

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Sep 10, 2012
My Mom
by: Anonymous

I am very sad to hear of your mom's passing. I do believe that both our mom's are watching out for us. I find it inspiring to know that your mom came back and warned you that your dad was sick.
I was with my mom when she died and I am still feeling guilty about not being there for her the way she needed me to be. Sometimes like in your mom's situation things happens so fast and unexpectly that no one even has clue anything is wrong until it happens. I believed you loved your mom very much and she understood why you were not there when she passed. I truly hope and believe that you will one day see your mom again.
What a great day that will be when we all meet again in Heaven. I cry my self to sleep each night hoping for that day to come. God bless. Debra

Sep 07, 2012
My Mom died and I hate myself
by: Anonymous

my mom died on 1 august 2011 suddenly by heart attack at that time only my father and mother alone in the house. she took her last breath in the hands of my father. my mother having three childrens i got married on july 2011, and i went to my husband house on 1st of august for first time i ws abt to sleep at 12 in night on bed suddenly one of my friend and my dad call serious to ur mom. but everthing happen in few seconds and we childrens are 400kms away from my home town. 3days before her death my mom talked to me and requested to come for a day. but i told my mom by after next three days i planned to take leave for a week and to stay with u. but my mom left all of us...without

after 5 months after my mom death, i ws lil tired in my husband house around 10 pm i ws abt to sleep i heard a voice a lil voice of my mom so sad of dad, so sad of dad..the very next day i talked to my dad, he ws suffering from fever so my mom soul might hv come to me said abt feeling.

i hate myself for not understanding my mom but i love to see her again.

Jul 16, 2012
My mom died and I hate myself
by: Debra

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I know what you are saying is true but I just can't get to the point where I can believe she is in Heaven. During the last months of her life even though she talked and praised God for her life and everything around her she would get so angry and scream at the little children that came to her home. A few seconds later she did not remember anything about what she did. I keep hearing a voice say to me "she is not in Heaven and it's your fault". I am so sorry you lost your grandfather and mother. I will pray that God will help you when you bury your mom's ashes to be with you and comfort you. I know it will be hard. I do know everything is in God's hands so I will have to trust him more, which is very very hard for me to do at this time. God bless.

Jul 12, 2012
A message from Liss:
by: Anonymous

My grandfather had Alzheimers and passed away in 2005. He loved God and was commited to the ministry, yet in his old age he did forget so much, and one of his
last words to my father who tried to help hold him down so that the doctors could give him an injection of morphin, looked up at my father and said to him,"Satan
get off me!" not realizing it was my father who was trying to help him find comfort in those last moments of life. Had my grandfather known those injurious words
would affect my father even today, if he were in his right mind, would never have said them. But he as much as he loved God, was unable to process things as you
and I, and out of the confusion did the best he could, even if it meant that it just didn't make sense or go in line with what one would oridinarily expect. It didn't make
my grandfather bad, or rejectable. I am convinced he is in heaven.

Like you, I lost my mother too. I had her cremated honoring her wishes last Septemeber. I am burying my mother on the first anniversary of her death, in 8 weeks near
by brother instead of scattering her ashes. My mother died of congestive heart failure. I too had unfisnihsed business with my emotions because she kept telling me that
none of her daughters would come to Arizona to see her and she missed us. She too did not know that she was dying. As I would later discover in her medical records,
that her doctor believed she did not understand the prognos because of her mental state.

I can offer my own comfort I am certain of these things more than anything. My faith has been tried. I assure you that you are no different than any of us who have
come up against things that rock the very understandning of our own instruction. We can only exibhit the actual understanding of what we ourselves have been made
to understand. If you don't understand something in life, please remember it doesn't mean that everything is fatalistic at that point. It just means that there is a missing
learning block to the answer. You lack the the building block that is required to get you to the other side of knowing and assurance.

Jul 11, 2012
Thank you Doreen
by: Debra


I am so sorry for the loss of your Husband Steve.
I pray that both he and my mom are in Heaven and that we will meet them on the other Shore. Thanks for all your words of encouragement. I really really needed them. Thanks again and God bless you always.

Jul 11, 2012
My Mom died and I hate myself
by: dEBRA

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. Sometimes I do believe she will make it to heaven, other times I just fall apart thinking that she did not. But I know God is a kind and loving God who does not want anyone to perish so I live in hope that she will make it to Heaven. She use to say she was wanting so much for the Lord to come and talked about what a great day that would be. She said she knew she would be in Heaven, but I still wonder because of the Dementia that she may have not asked for forgiviness of a sin she may have committed because she did not remember she did it. Thank you all again. God bless.

Jul 11, 2012
My Mom died and I hate myself
by: Doreen U.K.

Debra I am sorry for the loss of your Mom. Grief, loss, Pain, is what we are left to deal with now. Illness is hard. Then when death comes it happens so fast we wish we had the time back. Suffering has ended for that individual. Ours is just beginning. Your mother was a Christian you say. Illness will have made her forget many things but don't forget Jesus lived on the inside of her and he could speak to her heart and mind. I was worried about exactly the same for my husband Steve. Always concerned if his heart was right with God. Will he be saved? Will I see him when Jesus comes back for us? Will he rise out of his grave when Jesus says the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we which are left will be caught up to meet Jesus in the air. And then we will reign with our Lord. We are just passing through this world. Our real Life is to come. ETERNAL LIFE. This is our HOPE. It was your mother's HOPE. Whether she was able to go back to church or not is not important. She wasn't able to. She had the Church within her. Just like you I have been having the same thoughts. Did I do everything I could to see that Steve was Saved. I told God. If I had to lose Steve now but it meant that he was saved I would rather he go now than to live another minute and be LOST FOREVER. Steve died. At the same time the whole of America on the God Channel was praying for Steve to be Healed. I prayed for a miracle. I feel let down. Steve did not get his miracle. HE DIED. I am going through anger with God now. I don't want to. But it is there. I have to grieve it. I also wonder did Steve repent of all his sins before he died? Was he ready to meet God? Will one thing prevent him from going to Heaven? I couldn't bear to live in Heaven if Steve was not there. I think this is normal grief. We are afraid we won't see our loved ones again. This is why we feel this way. The Bible says we won't remember the former things. Just like you I say to myself. Did I do enough? Steve was anointed for healing. 8 hours later he died. The Pastor was shocked. God took Steve. We have an appointed day. The Bible says. "The day of one's death is better than the day of one's birth" Because man is born into sorrow. Because we live in a fallen world of sin we suffer. Our loved ones are free from this now. The secret things belong to God. I guess we will have to leave it there and stop worrying. Let God do this. BE BLESSED TODAY!

Jul 10, 2012
You will...
by: Altheia

Your mother will go to heaven, she was a believer. Now you have to believe in yourself.

Jul 10, 2012
My mom died and I hate myself
by: Debra

Sorry the last sentence should have read. I don't deserve to go to Heaven if she is not there.

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