My mom is gone
by Danielle Williams
(Hale, Michigan, USA)
My mama looking all beautiful
Click on each photo to enlarge.
Its Christmas Eve, and im lost. i just guess ill tell her story and why im here now.
Im 27 and my mom had been sick with AML, or Acute Myloid Leukemia for a long time now. She was so strong and such a fighter. Not a weak woman in any aspect at all. The family says it the Hawkins genetics, and weather it is or not she was a strong woman. she had a ruff go in life. she always told me that a soul goes through things to teach lessons that it needs before it can finally come to rest in heaven and be a piece. she said that a soul picks what its going to go through before a baby is even born. she said that this must have been her souls last time here because she really don't think her soul would have picked all this to go through if it wasn't her last time here.
regardless of that, she had been very sick with the AML. if there was something that she could have gotten sick with she would get it, from internal bleeds to terrible things. she was on morphine and lots of medicine. i had never seen someone go through this kind of pain and just not complain and not make a fuss about it. i got to talk to her everyday for a hour for the past couple months. i am so happy i took the time to do that cause i didn't know i could ever really loose her. i miss her so much. She was able to fight and fight everything but the second to last time i talked to her i could hear in her voice she was just getting tired and she wasn't going to be able to fight it anymore. They decided to put her on a ventilator and a feeding tube she was getting so bad. she called all of us to talk to us. she said that i was the most beautiful girl and she was so happy when she found out she was going to be having me. she told me that she never ever wanted me to ever hurt she didn't have me so that i would hurt she just wanted me to be happy and have the best life. i don't remember all of what she said because it was the tone in her voice that said it all, she wasn't going to make it. it tore me apart cause i felt like she was going and if i let myself believe that, i couldn't be strong enough to just keep believing and being strong for her. i put my boyfriend on the phone we have to kids together and have been together for 6 and a half years. she didn't say very much to him. she only said promise me you will take care of her. he said i will ma. and she said she love me and him and then we got off the phone. i called her a little bit later just to tell her i loved her because i called her alot just to see how she was doing and talk with her and i was sad and when i was sad i could at least go to her and shed say pick up your boot straps and just keep trucking you can do it, your my daughter and your strong. i don't have that right now and that's hard for me. i would always ask her advice and how she felt on things because i trusted her opinion.
my sister called and we all got to go down and see her she was put on heavy seditives in like a medicated coma by the time we got there her body kept trying to fight the ventilator so they continualy kept upping the seditives so her body could rest cause it was so tired. i took my son with me because hes my mamas boy and wouldn't have done well without me, i think i definatly brought him with me just so i wouldn't be alone. he stayed in the waiting room and did really good. he got to stay with my dad and my brother in there. i got to go see my mom and i hadn't seen her in months. when i first went in the room there was three things i noticed my sister was crying, my mom was really bloated and i was just happy to see my mom i thought i would be scared or shocked by how she looked but i wasn't i was happy to see her. she looked so bloated. you know how you feel when your retaining water. her hands looked like a glove with water poured in it, her neck was the size of her head and she was bald. she was so beautiful, and so happy all the time and i had seen her cry many times but the way she looked broke my heart she looked so frail and weak. i wished i could pick her up and hold her and just make it all better so she didn't hurt any more. i kept holding her hand and just rubbing my fingers across her hand. i was able to stay at my dads in ann arbor for a three days. it was so nice to have had that time with her she kept getting worse by the day, but i never in a million years would have thought she would pass. she had gotten sick so many times and i'd call her one day and shed be unable to talk and halucinating and then miraculusly over night, i d call ehr the next day and she'd be better shed sound like herself and tell me how she was feeling better and i never thought that she couldn't turn around. the next day i had to go home so that i could wake up on my daughters fourth birthday at home with her and tell her happy birthday right when she woke up. that same day the doctors talked to my dad and decided to turn off her ventilator. they called me and let me know i was sad and i figure she could go but maybe shed start breathing on her own and everything would be good and she'd get better. i made sure before i left to get pictures with her. giving her a kiss on her forehead. just to have for myself so i could see my mom. because even at her worst she was beautiful and that i loved her so much. well my dad and shane who is my brother hadn't called me or anything in a while and they were supposed to let me know what was going on and i called my grama because i knew she would answer the phone even if thing we going all crazy. she picked up and i asked her what was going on and she said well danielle, as you know your mother passed and doug is staying right here by her side, my dad, and i was like no actually grama no one told me. i was hurt that no one called me but i knew that was not done on purpose. she passed on my daughters birthday which i tried very hard to convince myself it was like my moms way of makeing sure when her date came every year that none of us could think of the day and just be sad. but it hurt i will never be able to enjoy the birth of my little girl without remembering the passing of my mother and darn it i don't want to remember it at all. i just want her here and i want to be with her, and i want to see her tomorrow when the family gets together. i don't really know how to process all this. im confused and i know she wants me to just be happy and i want to call her and talk to her but thats not something that can happen, i would talk to her but it feels to weird i don't want to accept that shes gone. how can i not have a mom. my boyfriend has a mom. even my mom has a mom who is alive. my boyfriend has a mom who herself has a mom. shes not supposed to be gone yet not yet i still needed her. my brother is only 17, and he still lives at home. my sister is only 25. i just don't know how i feel and i figured maybe if i let it out on here maybe i can feel alittle better about it.