My mom, my best friend, I love you

by Amy
(New york)

My mom and I spent everyday together, we spoke on the phone at least 8x a day. My mom passed jan. 30 , 2012. On her moms birthday. It was very unexpected. She was diagnosed with emphysema . She didn't let us know how bad she was. After she died is when I found out about copd. The day before she died, she seemed a little off. She wasn't feeling well. She laid down in my daughters room. That night was my nephews birthday party. She wasn't going to go. She then did decide to go. She ate, and had a few laughs. I wanted to talk to her, but someone at the table wouldn't stop talking. So I really never did have a conversation with her that night. The next morning, my sister said she was acting odd. I didn't believe my sister. I spoke to my mom, she seemed fine. She told me to go take my son to see gravedigger. (so I did) through half the show I called my brother, my sister, no answer. My sis In law said they went to the hospital. So I raced out there. My mom had phenomnia. They induced her in a coma to get rid of it. But during the night she got Mrsa. The next morning she was in icu. Dying. My sister, me, my 2 brothers. And my moms friends were there telling her to go. It's time. I can't express how this is the hardest thing in my life I have to go through. Not only losing my mom, but what a horrible daughter I feel like. I feel I could've been there more for her. She was a big smoker. We got used to her gasping for air from the car to In The house. I'm so mad at my self. I miss her sooooo much. I can't explain how it feels like a hole is in my heart. Or a piece of me was ripped right from me. It dosen't seem to get better. It gets harder.i know my kids need me, but the half of me can't wait to be reunited with her. One day. After my job here is done.

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Aug 22, 2012
Re: me too
by: Amy

I know what your saying. My mom never listened to me when I talked to her about the cigarettes either. She didn't want to hear it. I think that's why she never fully told us her health problems because she didn't want us to worry. My mom was 62. It's only been a week for you. This is so hard. I couldn't wait for it to pass. The first week i was in a tunnel(shock). I Had a hard time functioning. I couldnt take care of my kids. It's still so new for you. It still feels new to me but, I'm in a different part of grieving than you. Now, I am starting to smile, and laugh again. And I can take care of my kids. When I lost my mom I lost my job of 17 years. I couldn't go back to work. I just started a new one1month ago. Im slowly getting myself back together. I will pray that you are strong. And that this comes easier.

Aug 22, 2012
Thank you
by: Amy

Thank you so much. That really meant a lot to me. It helped me too. It does make sense, that what I am feeling is part of grief.i put a lot of pressure on myself. When I cleaned out my moms apartment I saw a lot of things I had bought her from things remembered. I saw a lot of cards. In particular a card which said happy mothers day, and fathers day on the title.(my parents were split up). I know she sees things differently now. And she feels a sense of happiness and peacefulness. I know this isn't even an issue where she is now. But you're right. It is the guilt. For the first time I am seeing that. Thank you so much. I hope this helps me move on a little easier. I've been asking god, jesus and my mom to help me forgive myself. Maybe now I can put it in a new perspective. I really appreciate your help.

Aug 21, 2012
Me too
by: Anonymous

I just also lost my mother and best friend a week ago today, all because of cigarettes. If my mother had never smoked, I feel like she would have lived a much longer life. She was only 65, and that's too young to die. The only health problems she had were caused from cigarettes. I begged her for most of my life to quit smoking, but she didn't until she had a massive heart attack last September. She never could get over it. I know how you feel, and I'm sure you did all you could for her. I miss my mom so much, and wish I could talk to her one more time. I used to try to get my mom to go to the doctor and take better care of herself, but I couldn't force her to, and now she's gone. It makes me sad that our time together is over, and she won't get to go to my niece's wedding next year.

Aug 20, 2012
My mom, my best friend, I love you
by: Doreen U.K.

Amy I am sorry for your loss of your mother. Indeed it is a very painfull and hard journey. I think in the early days we are numb, we feel frozen grief, and now it is as if we are thawing out and the grief is flowing like we are bleeding to death. I too feel as if my heart has been ripped out. You may feel like you have been a terrible daughter. This may not be so. It may be the grief making you feel this way. At time of death we all wish we had done more, or been a better person. This is part of grief. Every day Life has no meaning. I feel I just EXIST. You express how I feel so thiis must be the grief. I hope that you have the correct support you need to get you through this grief.

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