My mom was my best friend
I lost my mother to breast cancer on October 31st, 2011. She was more than my mother. She was my best friend, my confidante. My father had a gambling addiction for most of my life and that impacted my mother greatly prior to her death. She worked well into her illness and he still refused to get a job to help minimize the burden. He just waited for the season at the local amusement park to start back up.
My father took my mother's paychecks to the casino. He even broke into her jewelry box and lockbox and took her personal things to pawn. He pawned their wedding bands, her mother's wedding ring, a necklace she planned to give to my sister-in-law on her wedding day. My mother even attempted suicide once because of what my father was doing.
I'm not sure how it happened, but my father was left on as the beneficiary of my mom's life insurance policy. He spent thousands of dollars on a woman he was introduced to at a party. She conned him out of even more money than that. After she left the state, he let her deadbeat daughter live with us. I felt so displaced that I left home and wound up living with a man who asked me openly for sex. I felt threatened and came back home and the daughter had left at that point.
In addition to spending money on gambling and unworthy strangers, my father also wrecked the vehicle he got from his father when he passed. He was drinking and driving.
I broke up with my boyfriend a few months after my mother's passing and grew closer with a friend. We are together now and I am planning to move to Denmark to live with him. I feel blessed to have him in my life, but confused about how to move forward with my life without my mother in it.
My mother was the kind of person who would help anyone in need. She was compassionate and devoted her life to social work. She did more with her 48 years on this Earth than many people do in 80 or 90. I miss hearing her tell me that she loved me and was proud of me. I want to be back in her presence so badly. I don't really want to live anymore. I don't think I'm suicidal. I'm just resigned. Everything hurts right now.
I have started attended Grief Share sessions though. The grief support group is good for my spirit, I feel. I've met a lot of great people there. I guess healing is just about taking it one day at a time.