my mom,my friend is gone 3 yrs now

by silver

momma,me,and my sisters playing cards

momma,me,and my sisters playing cards

I can't believe it's been 3 yrs tomorrow since my mom went on.I miss her so much.One minute she was sitting in her chair,then got up to go to the bathroom.My niece went with her.The next minute she was on the floor-not breathing.One of my nephews was there and started CPR.The ambulance was called and they went to the hospital with her continuing CPR.This is what I was told by my son and niece and nephews that were there.I WASN'T THERE.I didn't get to talk to her before she died.When I heard this news,I was on the way to my husband's dr.'s office to get his chemo treatment for the bladder cancer.I couldn't even go straight to the hospital.They were quick to get him done after we told them what happened.It still took about 25 minutes to get in ,get the treatment and get to the hospital.I wasn't there more than a couple of minutes when the dr came in and said she had died.I lost it.I grabbed my stomach,screamed,and began to fall to the floor.My nephew caught me and held me in a chair.I couldn't believe it.I couldn't wrap my head around it.WHY hadn't I spent more time at her house.I was torn between our mutual grief that my dad has gone on just 7 months ago and the fact that my husband had bladder cancer.I needed to be with my husband when I could,I still worked part time,but I should have been there for her.She just sat down and gave up.They had been married for 64 yrs when dad died.My youngest son lived there to try and help them out some,but he couldn't get her up and out very much.I should have tried more.We became friends as I grew to an adult.She was there when I had each of my 3 children.I failed her when she needed me.She had dementia of some kind and was getting worse.I've heard that it gets worse when you quit "living".She just sat,watched some TV,ate some,slept a lot,and took care of her needs.She died,medically,of a blood clot to the heart.She died from a broken heart.Her love,her mate was gone.I found out how she felt when my husband died 11 months later.Which is why I feel I could have been there more.Now I have no one here.My sister,my mom,my dad,my husband all gone.Two of my sons live in other states,one works all over the US and is gone most of the time.My other siblings live in another state and don't call me hardly ever.My husband's family all live in other states and I don't hear from them.The only time I hear from family is if I contact them.My youngest son lives with me but he works full time second shift so I don't see him much.My granddaughter lives about 4 miles from me and doesn't call or come over.I don't know why this yr has been harder then before except that last yr I grieved so hard for my husband.I don't work anymore and my "friends" from work never contact me.My very best friend died one yr before my husband.I have no other friends except at church and only one of those calls me about once a month.I can't afford to belong to any clubs or groups.I live in the county.I go in the car to the store for window shopping sometimes.I walk on my street once a day.Besides housework this is my life.If not for this site I would be crazy by now.It and my faith that GOD has plans for me is all that keeps me going.Some days,my poem,ARE YOU LISTENING? really hits me...Like today.

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Jul 01, 2013
my mom----now gone
by: Anonymous-MI

I have read all your posts and with each one I think that I understand all the grief and sorrow with the loss of my dear husband in Nov 2012. Yesterday, I went to the cemetery and sat by our gravesite and cried and cried and talked to my husband. He was my protector, my advisor and my only love in this life. We had known each other since grade school and began dating at 17 yrs of age and married for 43 wonderful years. I am sorry for all your sorrows from which they come--husband, Mom, dad, Sisters, Brothers, child and any loved one. I have total faith in Jesus Christ, Our Savior and know that one day I too, will leave this earth and this body that I have now and with it I'll leave behind the sad days, the brutal grief and the steady stream of tears. I know, with total assurance that I will enter heaven's gates and see the face of Jesus and give thanks and praise for Him giving His life for mine on the cruel cross--He died there for me so that I can have blessed eternal life and to be forever joyful and at peace and to see my wonderful husband again and be in total happiness. Our families cannot understand what we are going through because they have not experienced this horrible event of loosing their loved one. One day, they will know because it will come to all of us as we loose our loved ones. I too, feel so angry with pointless comments and empty words that are said to me. I am angry because they still have their life as they are used to and I have lost half of mine. But, then I was once like that too---feeling sad for someone who had lost their loved one but I too went on with my life not knowing how they really felt. Then on Nov. 18, 2012 it happened to me and I now know.----My hope is in God to lead me through this valley of grief and to a more peaceful place on earth and then to glorious heaven. I pray for all of us on this site. God help us all.

Jul 01, 2013
I feel for you
by: Doreen U.K.

Anonymous I know how you feel with grief. Glad you have close friends who have not forsaken you and also those who allow you to be yourself. This is what we need. The need to be ourselves and be respected for where we are at in our grief, and also not be judged by our down days when we can't quite get our act together. My sister is allowing me the space to be me whilst my other sister is sending me grief poems which talk about surrendering to the quiet spirit and forgiveness and I can't quite process the association between grief and forgiveness and having a quiet spirit when I want to explode at her for her insensitivity. It almost feels like she wrote it but I find it so patronising. I have been just like a volcano that erupted and ostracised from relationship. It adds to my sorrow so I can identify with you. I am having to learn a new skill of trying to distance myself from the harsh and pointless comments of others that doesn't benefit my well being. You are not alone here.

Jul 01, 2013
My mom, my friend is gone 3yrs. now
by: Doreen U.K.

Silver I am your friend today and always. I know and understand how you feel. you have lost 4 people from your life in a short space of time and trying to juggle so many people to care for you are left feeling disappointed with how you failed your mother. I am sure your mother wouldn't have felt you let her down. My mother understood the needs of her children and knew they wouldn't always be available to her. But having 6 children she would have known that at least she would have her children on a rota basis. I don't think you should feel guilty as if you had to do it all. In life so much juggling can leave us having to let some people down in our life.
You also had a dying husband. You have an overlap of grief and this can leave one very isolated with grief. Having no friends and family contact just intensifies grief. I have found since I lost my husband and mother that the support gets less until it is non existent. I used to wish I could become a missing person and just leave it all and run off somewhere. that is the time we will be missed or will it? It is a very lonely place to be right now in grief. my days get lonlier and longer. My health has deteriorated since I have been grieving. My father is dying now and now going to go into a care home and causing major issues for us all as a family. He has dementia and my sister can no longer care for him. Another battle to fight and problems to be resolved. But our grief starts now before he dies and after. Life is full of sorrow. But LONLINESS. Carries its own grief. Silver we are all ALONE in our own worlds with the same problems. If I could get out more I wouldn't feel so bad. Can't even get to church due to arthritis. So I feel a prisoner in my own home. If I could get out I would do voluntary work. This was when I was at my best. I wish you better days ahead and continuing friendship on this website. If you need more support you can email me

Jun 30, 2013
i feel for you
by: Anonymous

I feel for you. Our stories are not total similiar but your response is like mine. In the last ten years I lost both my parents, my cousin who was the closest thing I had to a sister and several other close cousins and uncles all of cancer. My mother who has been gone two years was the icing on the cake that put me over the edge.She died exactly 13 days after being diagnosed with ovarian cancer and suffered the pains of hell. I am unmarried an only child and have no children. After my father's death my mother basically gave up. She and my father were just so close that she was totally lost without him. She only left our home to go to church, cemetery and when I forced her to go to the doctor. After each death I was made to feel by my extended family that I needed to be strong for my mother and elderly aunt who lived with us and who I still care for in our home. After my mother's sudden death I lost it and am still loosing it. I am like a volcano that has erupted. I have some close friends that have stuck by me. Most of the rest of my family wants the old me back and don't understand the old me died with my mother and they can take me as I am or don't bother with me. I prefer to stay at home as much as possible and am always finding excuses to not attend family or work related functions. Me who never took even an asprin am now on anxiety medication and high dosages of anti depressants. I can fake it and work and all think that I am fine.....little do they know somedays I barely make it to my car without having a meltdown.......I hate telling anybody how i feel becuz first of all they don't understand my unique situations but when they give me advice it usually makes me more upset and does not help. So my answer when asked is I am saves me from being even more upset.....if i hear one more time people have it worse than you i am going to scream at the top of my lungs...I am not an idiot but when you are in deep grieving compounded with depression and anxiety you don't feel better hearing those words.This all the best you can each day

Jun 30, 2013
my mom,my friend gone 3 yrs
by: silver

I went to church today hoping for peace.I got some but what I didn't expect happened.There was a special service honoring our freedom and it's cost.In the middle of the service they sang the main song of each branch of service:navy,army,marines,air force and coast guard.When the air force song began I began to cry for my dad.This must be the year that I cry for the others I sent on besides my husband.I didn't grieve enough I guess.I miss them so much.Sometimes I feel so lonely.I know my mother's dementia would probably be much worse in the 3 yrs since she died but I so wish I had her to talk to.She unfortunately,would know my pain of losing your soul mate.That is if she still had her mind in good shape.I texted my 2 sisters and my brother that I was thinking of them today.My brother and one sister texted back.One sister didn't,& they wonder why I feel so alone.My older brother is mentally retarded and my baby sister is gone,so the other 3 are the only ones left.They are 2 states away.They work full time and don't call or anything most of the time.I wish they would at least contact me once in awhile.We were a close knit family until momma and daddy died now we aren't.I miss my family.I fight depression every day.Sometimes I win,sometimes I don't.I pray each night for GOD to give me strength to go on.

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