My Monkey My Miracle

by Ashley

My Emma

My Emma

When I became pregnant there was no doubt in my mind that this baby was going to be our lives from then on out. After months of being beyond sick, to where I couldn't move some days, came the news. Your baby has a defect and we need more tests. Ok we said lets figure this out.

I went to a bigger hospital with more testing and all that I heard was, you know you can still terminate this pregnancy if you would like. WHAT? Kill my baby! You have to be kidding me. My baby had a heart defect, but nothing that surgery couldn't cure, and you want me to stop it? You're nuts. I wouldn't care if my baby came out purple with a horn she is our baby and I will love her no matter what.

I did just that. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on November 16, 2009 at 12:02 pm and she was it. Emma Kathryn, the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life. It was there the trial was going to begin. I fought for two and half months through infections from the hospital to shallow breathing because she was early. She was not given one day from the next and it was just that, that kept me fighting for her. Her fathers birthday was here and he had to go to work.

I put her back in the bed at the hospital at midnight, not knowing that was the last time I would see her eyes open again. I woke up for my 7 am phone call from the hotel and was told I needed to come quickly. Another infection has set in within hours and the doctors did not catch it so therefore did nothing for her.

For several hours I have watched them give her medications, CPR and finally we removed her breathing tube and watched her take her last breath. That was it. I never got answers to why this happened, nor will I ever. I just want to scream sometimes.

It's almost that time of year where I should be celebrating her 1st birthday. A day that every mom remembers, and I can't. I just don't know what to say that I already haven't said or do what hasn't been done.

This isn't fair and I'll never know why. I wont know why! No one knows what your're feeling unless they have been there! I miss my child, I miss her and can't ever see her or hold her or sing to her or kiss her amazing little lips and toes and fingers. Will you ever be able to be normal?

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