My mother and my late father's brother are trying to get together despite how it makes me feel....

by Eliza

I'm 20 years old and my dad died nine days after my 8th birthday while he was on the job at a construction site. I have never met him before or any of his family because they all lived out of state. It was only two years ago we finally got a hold of one another though I have yet to meet them. My mother has just gotten out of a marriage with a guy who was psycho and is now "talking" with my uncle (my father's brother) about getting together and they asked me if I was okay with it. After I told them I wasn't comfortable with it they still didn't listen and are now planning on seeing each other when he comes down here. I feel like it is a big slap in the face towards not only me but my father as well. I just spent two hours crying in my bedroom alone because I feel so upset about it and they have no idea how painful it is on my part. How am I supposed to live with that? I already have to deal with the pain of not being able to properly grieve of a father I share no memories with, and now I have to sit by and watch my mother play with my uncle? I feel so unclean.

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Jun 14, 2014
My mother and my late father's brother are trying to get together despite how it makes me feel....
by: Doreen UK

Eliza this is a very complex situation. As you say you have to grieve a father you do not know. Then you have your mother who was married to the man your uncle is now going to be in relationship with. You haven't yet met any of your fathers side of the family. So they will be strangers to you.
You can see a counsellor for professional support and guidance. You can make it clear in a letter to your uncle and your mother's EX. That whilst they asked you if you were O.K. with them having a relationship, what they were actually seeking was your PERMISSION for them to have a relationship. Tell them that you outright think it is wrong because it dishonours your father and his memory. They are crossing boundaries and they should be offering you support and guidance not permission for an illicit affair. You can put this in a letter to them. Also stating that you need good role models which they aren't. And you need someone in your life with good moral standards so you continue to live your life with INTEGRITY. You need a good mentor in your life and good guidance. You can also choose to meet your father's family and put them in the picture and gather much knowledge about your father from them. You need to build up a picture of your father and his personality so that you can make your own informed choice whether to keep his family in your life. You need to know your Identity and your History. (both connected to your father by birth and heritage.) Otherwise you will just have this BLANK space in your life with an UNKNOWN history and no connection to your Family. A counsellor could also be a very valuable asset at this point of time for some guidance at how you will structure your meetings and also to support you should you have any problems. You also need to put your mother in the picture, so she knows what your wishes are and how instrumental she can be in your need to know your History. She won't deny you this. You will be showing everyone a level of MATURITY and you should earn their RESPECT. Best Wishes.

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