My mother is dying
My mother is an undiagnosed schizophrenic and is now dying from renal failure.
Ours is a complicated relationship and I sometimes feel I haven't been a better son. I've hurt her many times with my words and I feel so bad for them. What hurts me more were times when I got physical. Every time I look back, I feel ashamed, sorry. I'm heartbroken. But I've always sought to make it up to her and I made a point to make her proud.
Last year, she was diagnosed with kidney disease. A doctor told her to start dialysis, but because of her fear of needles and the entire idea of having dialysis, she refused any medical intervention, choosing instead to fight it out with pills and herbal medicine.
Things were OK at first but as months have passed, her health gradually deteriorated.
Still my brothers and I can't convince her to get professional help. she's convinced her death would be hastened by dialysis.
Now she looks terrible, eyes glassy, skin pale. Parts of her body are bloated. She has red blotches on her arms. Portions of her legs are hard to the touch. I fear that water has entered her lungs.
She could barely walk and appears to be exhausted. She is and I've noticed how she labors for every breath. It can't be denied. She is nearing death.
And she knows it. Just earlier, she told me she'd want to be buried, not cremated and how she'd want to be interred at a memorial park near our place.
I cry sometimes when I'm alone. In my room. In the car. In the bathroom. I could not do anything but prepare.