My mother is gone and I feel a huge hole in my heart.

by Jessica
(Spokane, WA)

My mother and I when I was younger

My mother and I when I was younger

My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer March of 2007. I was already grieving because that same week I found out the man I loved like no other had died by shooting himself in the head. The doctors told my mom there was nothing they could do surgically to help her and that treatment most likely not help. Mom was going through treatment and didn't show any signs of being sick, just tired a lot.

In October of 2007 I suffered a miscarriage; my mother was there for me during this painful time and cared for me even though I should of been taking care of her. The last week of December is when she started losing her battle with the cancer, it had started spreading and causing her great pain to where we had to medicate her heavily so she would be comfortable and eventually making her incoherent.

My dad, cousin and I were there to care for her at home 24 hrs and Jan 6 she had a seizure and died. I remember getting the phone call and not answering it because I knew it was the call telling me that my mother had passed. My heart hurt so bad, and I kept thinking why? It's not fair...I already had enough taken from me in less than a year. How was I going to go on without my mother. I still grieve for her now. It brings me to tears to think about my mom or even talk about her. During her sickness I didn't accept she was sick. Because she didn't look sick for most of it.

My heart still feels broken and I have become a mother for the first time in October of 2009 a time where I am suppose to be happy, filled with joy. I cried for my mom so much, I needed her there to see my daughter, to be there for me, to tell me everything is going to be okay. I feel lost without her and my heart still is broken.

I just wish this would pass but I love my mom and I miss her. She was in my life almost everyday, she was my rock, She always knew how to make me feel better when I couldn't take life anymore and now I just don't know how to move on or help heal this broken heart of mine. I still have yet to go visit her resting place all my other family has but I just can't bear to go...Am I wrong?

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