My mother was my life

by Christi
(Louisville, Ky)

Hello, I am almost 38 yrs old and three weeks ago lost my mother at 72. I had taken care of my mother since I was 19 yrs old. I devoted my whole life to her as her health declined in the past few years it became harder. I never moved out, got married or had kids.

She had many health problems and started kidney dialysis a year and a half ago. This made her very sick and weak most of the time. I have siblings but they have their own lives and issues to deal with so I asked for very little to no help. It was to the point I couldn't leave her very much due to her being so sick and I came close to losing my job. That did not matter to me as I had always vowed to never put her in a nursing home. We had a bad experience with that when she went into kidney failure a few years earlier and had to get physical therapy at a nursing facility. So this is something I would not do to her.

Let me say, my mother was my life. I lived, breathed and existed to take care of her. She was my best friend and the best mother I could have ever asked for. About a couple months ago she started getting real sick after her treatments and as time went on it got worse, she was in and out of the hospital and they never could find what was causing her problem. Two weeks before she passed she had basically stopped eating because she had such severe pain in her stomach. They tried several medications but they did not work. I knew she was going downhill as she was getting weaker and losing a lot of weight.

Four days before she passed I had come home crying and she asked why, I said I knew she was going to leave me soon. She said no she wasnt. Without saying it we both knew the time was getting near. The pain in her stomach became so severe she couldn't tolerate it any longer so I took her back to the hospital on Sunday. She became very confused and the pain medication via iv was not working. Monday night she had a really bad spell and before I knew it there were 10 people in her room trying to bring her back. They were successful but decided to move her to ICU.

I had been with her the majority of the time since she was admitted for testing, but they never found what was wrong. When I went back in the room after they got her back and before they moved her to ICU she was sitting straight up with a wash cloth on her forehead and her eyes were covered. She said where is Christi, I was speaking to the nurse and just said I am here. I wish I could have taken that moment back and gone to her and removed the cloth and said I love you and I am here; because it all went downhill after that.
They moved her as I gathered her personal belongings and I missed the elevator ride with her to ICU. When I made it to her she was making no sense, and I was asked to leave the room so they could do a few things. I could hear them talking to her and she answered briefly and sometimes not accurate. As they turned her to change her into a gown she let out two very loud moans. After about 45 minutes they allowed me back in the room. At this point she had already gone downhill again. She had the same symptoms she had in the other room before. Her lab work showed her liver was failing.

At 3am I was told to contact my siblings, as she was not going to make it. I was asked if I wanted to stop the two blood pressure medicines that were keeping her alive. The hardest decision I ever had to make. I could not stand the thought of her pain and having to do dialysis anymore. She had told her dialysis nurse if it hadn't been for me she would have stopped dialysis long ago. She hated to go because it made her so ill for some reason. So I requested they give her some more pain medication before stopping the meds.
The medicine was stopped at 530am Tues morning and she took her last breath at 550am. My whole world came apart at that instant. I lived with her so it's so hard going home. I have a lot of guilt and regret. Sometimes its unbearable. I have two little nieces and somedays they are the only reason I can see my future. My heart is broke, I feel as though a huge part of me died with her that day and wonder if I will ever get that back.

It's been almost 4 weeks and it has actually become harder with each passing day. I wander around our place lost, I am so very lost. My life revolved around her and now I can barely get through the day. I am told I should go to counseling but I don't even know if that would help. Her birthday is coming up July 26th and I cant even think about how I will get through that day. I try to make everyone think I am ok and strong but when I am alone I am so lost and miserable. There is so much more to this story but I do not want to go on and on.

Any advice would greatly be appreciated as I am so very lost, unhappy and miserable. I always said I existed because of my mom and she was my purpose in life and now I wonder why I am still here at times. I know I need to be here for my nieces as I am very close to them. Just thought I would share my experience with you all. Thank you.