I have just had a baby, and it is making me think a lot about my Mother.
She died 6 years ago and I have hated her since she died.
She was controlling and not a very nice person... but I am having flashbacks of good times now, and I am starting to see her side of the many arguments we had. If anything now, I pity her. I feel bad for hating her, I feel bad for some of the stuff I said to her. I just have to keep reminding myself, I was the child/teenager, and she was the mother, so she should have been caring for me, not the other way round!
I sound like a bitch! I probably am being one. She was a bitch, so I must have got it from her. It wasn't completely her fault, she had a mental problem. I have come to terms with that she was Anorexic. I thought she was just an alcoholic. Looking back on it though she was an Anorexic first.
She wouldn't have died so early in life if she had eaten more than one meal a week, and not thrown it up straight after. The alcohol killed her, but she had no energy or meat on her to resist the effects of alcohol. I have hated her for ages thinking she chose alcohol over me. It was the anorexia though. I have just read an article about another girl who had a mother, who behaved exactly like my mother behaved, she was anorexic, and the girl feels the same way that I do now.
I never thought I was neglected or abused as a child, but now I have one, I see that I was. I would hope to think that I would never treat my daughter the way she treated me.
I just get flashes of guilt for hating her, and before I die, which I hope will be in many years time, I hope I forgive her and love her again, and just remember the good stuff, not the over-bearing bad stuff.