My Mother.

by Cleo
(England)

I have just had a baby, and it is making me think a lot about my Mother.

She died 6 years ago and I have hated her since she died.

She was controlling and not a very nice person... but I am having flashbacks of good times now, and I am starting to see her side of the many arguments we had. If anything now, I pity her. I feel bad for hating her, I feel bad for some of the stuff I said to her. I just have to keep reminding myself, I was the child/teenager, and she was the mother, so she should have been caring for me, not the other way round!

I sound like a bitch! I probably am being one. She was a bitch, so I must have got it from her. It wasn't completely her fault, she had a mental problem. I have come to terms with that she was Anorexic. I thought she was just an alcoholic. Looking back on it though she was an Anorexic first.

She wouldn't have died so early in life if she had eaten more than one meal a week, and not thrown it up straight after. The alcohol killed her, but she had no energy or meat on her to resist the effects of alcohol. I have hated her for ages thinking she chose alcohol over me. It was the anorexia though. I have just read an article about another girl who had a mother, who behaved exactly like my mother behaved, she was anorexic, and the girl feels the same way that I do now.

I never thought I was neglected or abused as a child, but now I have one, I see that I was. I would hope to think that I would never treat my daughter the way she treated me.

I just get flashes of guilt for hating her, and before I die, which I hope will be in many years time, I hope I forgive her and love her again, and just remember the good stuff, not the over-bearing bad stuff.

Comments for My Mother.

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Jun 02, 2012
Conflicts with loss of Mom
by: Anonymous

I am coping with the passing of my mom on May 6th, 2012. I, too, could not stand the bitterness and cruelty. I loved her unconditionally, took her in to live with me when my siblings thru her out and thru it all, continued to take the bitter comments, never anything I did was good enough. I am a grandmother and raised a wonderful family - I broke the cycle from my own childhood. Yet I couldn't break the cycle with my own relationship with my mom...it was what it was...as I go thru pictures and letters, I now understand that 2/3rds of her life she was in chronic pain. Does that excuse her from being mean...not at all. But I can somehow, thru understanding her life long battle of chronic pain and arthritis, learn to accept her for who she was and embrace what good she shared. I do miss her, she is my mom, I do believe she did the best she could under the circumstances and there is going to be a time that I will come to peace with her passing and embrace the woman she was.

May 28, 2012
completely understand
by: Terri

My mother died two nights ago. She was a horrible mother, and I relate to your story intensely.

As I see in what you say, the closure that death provides does lead to a re-evaluation of your whole story together. I, too, am understanding a lot more, already, about how hard my mom had it for her whole life. She had a sort of awful life.

And I blamed her too (and still do) for her neglect and emotional abuse of me. She was so, so, so mean, twisted, and undermining.

But now that I get a full picture of the scope of her 83 years, AND I no longer have to defend from her, or anticipate the next painful interaction, I see that she was definitely deeply depressed, for the whole of my life. And I'm still so angry at her, but I also can finally understand how much pain she must have been in to act that way. Damn, she had a rough life.

It will be an interesting summer.

May 23, 2012
pray
by: Melissa

I feel for you.My mother was very controling and i lost her in January this yr{2012}.My thoughts and Prayers are with you and your family.

May 18, 2012
Many blessings
by: Anonymous

For you and your baby. I am sorry about your mother. I am also a mother. Not perfect. My dad was an alcoholic. I was ashamed of him most of all. No one has a perfect family. I see it all around me: neighbors, friends, work associates... We can only try do do the best. You are doing it now. You are working your way to forgiveness and understanding, perhaps love. I command you because this is not the easy path. This is the path that leads to freedom and character. May you find peace.

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