My Ocean of Grief

by Sandy Springer
(Atoka, TN, USA)

I've done a lot of thinking these past five weeks. Trying to find a reason as to why my beloved Chris is gone. But I know I won't find an answer that will help me cope. Because there just isn't an answer that is good enough.

But I have decided that I'm living in an ocean of grief. A large, black, cold, bottomless ocean that is full of waves. And I survive by trying with all my might to stay afloat.

Some days, the ones that I call good days, I'm actually able to take a few strokes. I swim. I don't know if I'm headed towards land. But I'm moving, and that in itself is a huge accomplishment.

But before I know it, another wave hits me. Some I can handle. Others knock me back a ways. And then there are those that drag me under to the debths of dispair. Where it is so dark; so cold that I can't breath and I feel like giving up.

That is when I have to work the hardest just to get back to the surface, where once again I can breath. Then the cycle begins once again, and I use what little energy I have left just to stay afloat.

But I believe that as I strive to stay afloat I grow stronger. And each time I attempt to swim I swim a little further. Someday I will reach land again and I will stand tall with my feet on solid ground. But I will forever have been changed, by my time in my ocean of grief.

Comments for My Ocean of Grief

Click here to add your own comments

Jan 01, 2013
NewYears Eve
by: Sandy Springer

New Years Eve

Though we'd quit going to parties
and we seldom stayed up late
I never gave a second thought
as to who would be my date.

I had the perfect partner
each and every New Years Eve
We'd sing, we'd laugh, we'd dance
or we'd just sit and watch TV.

But tonight you are not with me,
tonight I am alone
There'll be no key in the door lock
No, my love you won't be home.

I can't have another dance
Or feel you hold me in your arms
Nor rest my head upon your shoulder
Or be swept up by your charms.

I miss you so my Darling
And midnight is about to be...
so this is my kiss, my kiss to you
on this lonely New Years Eve.

Dec 29, 2012
Missing Chris
by: Sandy

Tonight I'm missing Chris. It has been five weeks. And it is so hard. I was thinking how is give anything not to feel this way, but that really isn't true. I wouldn't give meeting Chris, falling in love with him or my life as his wife. He completely changed my life. He made me a better person and caused me to be truly happy.

Then I thought of a song that I haven't heard in a long time. It really has meaning now. It's called The Dance.

Looking back on the memory of
the dance we shared 'neath the stars above;
For a moment all the world was right.
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?

And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Holding you I held everything.
For a moment wasn't I the king
If I'd only known how the king would fall,
Hey, who's to say - you know I might have changed it all.

And now, I'm glad I didn't know
the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.

I love you Chris...

Dec 27, 2012
My Ocean of Grief
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

My Ocean of Grief-so well put. Eighteen months ago today, I lost my husband of 46 years to a massive heart attack.
My second Christmas without him. Our lives are forever changed. We learn to go on without them; it's not easy. We get stronger, but as a dear friend of mine told me; when you lose someone you love, you never really get over it. We slowly learn to go on without them, always keeping them tucked safely in our heart.
It is 18 months, yet I remember it like it was yesterday. Our body goes into "Survivor Mode", that's what I called it. I often said I was faking it until I could make it. I am making it without him, but I miss him more as time goes by. I miss the little things we always take for granted. I now cherish everyday, not knowing when my last day will be.
My adult children want me to be happy; but the old me is gone. A part of me died the day he died. I am as happy as I can be for now, and maybe that's as good as it will ever get.
I am grateful for my support system. We all need that. I still make steps backward, but know I will also make steps forward. Grief is a long journey and everyone deals with grief differently. There isn't any right or wrong way to grieve. It is what it is.
I really appreciate the way you worded it, as an ocean of grief, because that's exactly what it is.

Dec 27, 2012
My thoughts expressed perfectly by your words
by: sandy pohl

Sandy, I don't know how you lost your Chris, but I lost my Ronnie 10 weeksa go, suddenly, with no warning to a massive heart attack while at work. I have been with him since I was 20, we were married 24 years...somedays the pain is so deep I can't even swollow the sob that just escapes me regardless of where I am or who I'm with...and as you said the "good days" are just the days your treading water....perfect example...thank you for sharing your thoughts...I hope that you will find peace as will I somewhere down the line

Dec 27, 2012
My Ocean of Grief
by: Doreen U.K.

Sandy you express FULLY and very Well what Raw Grief is like. It is so overwhelming that we wonder how we can get out of this Ocean of Grief that is swallowing one up one feels they are drowning and suffocating all in one. This is a Grief that is so devastating. My whole body is torn up in pain of grief. I can hardly bear the pain. WE face Physical, emotional, and mental anguish over our loss. It is a storm that feels as if it will never end and how can we recover to go on in life?
I have to have God in my boat or I will drown. I am caught in the sea of seeking God but also being Angry with him for allowing me to go through this Grief. This Loss that is killing me inside I can't bear another day. Every new day seems to be longer. The road of grief feels too long as I will never get to the end. Good days we get through them. Bad days I almost feel comatose. I don't know how survival works. I just get up each day and do it all over again. Wondering when DEATH will come for me. Life feels like DEATH. I never thought that one could feel so HURT and ill from Death. You must have read the poem. FOOTPRINTS. Where God is supposed to be walking with us through our Grief and we don't feel it. Then there is only one set of footprints. God says to us "That is when I carried You." Even if we don't feel it, we have to BELIEVE it. This is the only HOPE we have to get through our Grief and Pain otherwise Grief will Kill us. May God wrap his arms around you and everyone suffering a loss and the deep Pain of GRIEF and Bring us out of this stronger and in a place of HEALING.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!