My older brother, my heart

by Allison
(New Jersey)

My bother had a tough life. He was 9 yrs older. Two of his best friends committed suicide? He was a marine from 1968-1972. Came back addicted to heroin. In 1976 he decided he needed to kick his habit and did. His best friend that he would get high with died in the streets of HIV/AIDS. Thank god my brother quit. He worked really hard bought a condo in the mountains and life seemed good. Until 4 yrs ago. He lost his job, went through his 401k and savings and maxed his credit cards. On Feb 24, 2011 he shot himself on his deck. His friend went up to see him because he hadn't heard from him. He called me to see if he was at my house and instantly I knew he was gone. I told him to check the closets and then he looked outside and found my brother. After that everything is pretty much a blur. That day my heart died with him. He knew I would follow his last wishes and I did. I'm not sure how I did. I just miss him so much. We weren't close growing up but as I got older and had my own family, my adult boys adored him, we became very close and he always promised me he would never take his life because our older sister tried twice. My heart is still so broken. When I speak to him in my head I keep telling him he better start running now because when I see him again I'm going to knock the crap out of him. I don't think I will ever feel whole again. He did come to me in a dream and told me he was home. It gave me a sense of peace but the pain in my heart is gut wrenching. I miss you Gary and love you. I hope you are at peace now.

Comments for My older brother, my heart

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Jul 10, 2013
Thank you
by: Allison

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. When my brother took his life I prayed and asked God to help me through my grief and he has. After his death I could feel his presence and that stayed with me until the day I had to scatter his ashes. At that moment I realized that his spirit was truly gone and hopefully in a better place. I am very conflicted because we were raised strict Catholics but in my heart I hope all the good he did in his life will out way some of the bad. He truly was a special, funny, give you the shirt off his back kind of guy. Again, thank you for all your kind words and encouragement.

Jul 10, 2013
My older brother, my heart
by: Mari

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. He must have been wonderful person indeed.
It takes time to get through the grief of a loved one, a day at a time.There is a beautiful song in Spanish called, ''Un dia a la vez,'' ''a day at a time.''Every day ask God to help you through another day.It is a healing process. You will always miss him but with time you will get through it.
I lost a brother a long time ago with a heart condition.I still think of him. He was less then a year older then me and we were close. He would have been 70 in Nov and I will be 69 in Nov. I found a pic of the 2 of us dated 1955 at the beach.My mother is 87 and she still misses him.But God has a way of seeing us through these difficult times. Take care and remember we are here for you.

Jul 10, 2013
So sorry
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. I too just lost my beloved brother 3 weeks ago on Fathers day. We just spoke to him and he had been fighting with his wife and 3 hours later he took my dad's 357 gun and shot himself. This pain of losing him is so intense and we miss him so much. Losing our brother in this fashion has brought us to our knees with grief.

I may not have the best words for you other then we feel the loss so intensely.

Just know we are feeling these feelings together.


Jul 10, 2013
My older brother, my heart
by: Doreen U.K.

Alison I am sorry for your loss of your brother Gary to suicide. No one can read the heart of mind of a soul in so much pain they can no longer survive a day longer on this earth than they feel is necessary so they end their suffering and misery without being able to process what suicide means.
You say your sister tried to end her life twice. I have been there myself. I know of the desperation that we have to endure in life. When you can see no end to your suffering it is too unbearable to endure when you see nothing changing. My nephew at age 30yrs. endured depression and his medication caused side effects of suicidal feelings. 7 years ago he threw himself in front of an express train. My sister wanted him sectioned under the Mental Health act for his own safety. She tried to keep him safe but he couldn't go on anymore. Our lives are fractured forever. Gary seems to have carried his unhappiness throughout his life and was not able to resolve his hurts and losses in his life. I did manage to find an excellent psychologist/counsellor who worked with me and although this was a painful experience the Healing was worth the pain. I have healed in areas I could never have thought possible and when I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 14 months ago I was in a healthier frame of mind to cope with my grief. I still feel crushed by his death as you do Gary's.
The type of death affects the grief and with suicide often one seeks counselling in order to cope and move forward. If your sister is still feeling suicidal try and encourage her to speak to a counsellor. She can be helped to a degree her pain of her past can evaporate and she could find Healing of a different kind that would help her in life and she would be able to move on with her life with happiness and joy she deserves. You also could do this for yourself to help cope with this immense pain of your loss of Gary.

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