My other half is gone.

by Nicole Anastasio
(Albany, NY)

A little over a week ago on Feb. 7th, my boyfriend Tim of 4 years died. He was 21 years old, he was my everything. The day started out completely normal, I left mine and Tim's little apartment for work in the morning, he didnt have to be into work until later. I had a lot to do that day (work, school, doctors) and he promised me when he came home that he was going to rub my feet. I kissed him goodbye not knowing that was the last time I would see him alive.
Throughout the day I would sneak in a few texts while I was working, he told me what he was doing (taking a shower, feeding the cat, getting on the bus to go to work) and we were talking about how much we needed each other. He told me he needed me and he wanted kissies when he came home. He stopped texting me after that. This didn't alarm me because every day he just stops texting me once he has to clock into work. I got out of work a little while later and had to go straight to school. When I arrived in my statistics class, I got a restricted phone call. I answered and it was a man who said he was Tim's father. He was crying and I didn't recognize his voice. He told me Tim was dead. I told them to fu-- off and I hung up. I thought someone was playing a sick joke on me, but something in me panicked.
I ran out of my class and called my father. I told him someone just called me and told me Tim was dead. My father said to go to Tim's work because that is where he was supposed to be, and I had just been texting him and he had to have been almost there. My father said he would try to call Tim's work while I was driving.
As I was driving I also began to call Tim's phone, I figured if I called enough times he would get the hint that he needed to pick up the phone. No one was picking up. About halfway to his work a woman picked up my boyfriend's phone. She said she was someone from a hospital. I told her someone told me my boyfriend was dead, and the words she said to me was "Unfortunately, he has expired." Keep in mind that I was driving. I began to scream and sob, my heart was in the worst pain I had ever felt and I had to pull into a parking lot. I was crying and thinking in my head any way that this could maybe not be happening, like maybe he was cheating on me? Maybe he was just hurt? Maybe the woman had mixed up patients? Anything but what she told me. I called my mother but she couldn't understand me exactly because I was screaming and crying so much. I called my roomate that Tim and I took in and told him he had to find a way to pick me up because I couldn't drive and we needed to go to the hospital. I waited screaming in my car for maybe a half hour waiting for my roomate to come get me.
When he finally got me we drove to the hospital where the woman said she was from on the phone. When we got there they wouldn't tell me anything because Tim and I weren't married. It was an extra slap in the face because I have been living with Tim for a year! And he hasn't spoken to his parents in about that time as well. I was all he had and I wasn't allowed to know anything. I had to call Tim's father to get him to tell the nurse that I can know what is going on, which he did.
They told me he was dead. They said he collapsed on the sidewalk and bystanders called 911. The EMT got there within 5 minutes. The doctor said they worked on him for a really long time, longer than they would normally because he was so young and so fit, but his heart had stopped, and nothing they did would bring it back. They told me he never felt pain and probably didnt even know anything was happening to him.
They took me in to see him. He was on a stretcher his eyes were closed. It looked like he was asleep. I screamed his name over and over because it looked like he would just open his eyes. I ran to him and held him. It felt just like him, I layed my head on his chest, and it felt exactly how it feels when I lay on his chest every night to watch tv. I felt his skin and it just felt cold, but his hands were the same everything was the same, but I couldn't hear his heart and he felt so cold. I think I was looking for anything that would prove it wasn't really him. My roomate says I was talking to him but I don't remember talking. All I remember is what he looked and felt like and how badly I wanted to have a religion at that moment (because Tim and I always just believed in science). I wanted so bad to believe he was somewhere else. From that moment on I picture my love rotting...and I don't want to, it's a terrible thing to picture, but it keeps coming to my mind.
After I left him they put me in the family room to wait for Tim's parents (who are separated) and my own mother. They all arrived around the same time. Tim's mother has always hated me and I was nervous to see her. Tim hadn't spoken to her in a long time, and was not on good terms with her when he left her house to come live with me.
They went in to go see Tim, and then they left the hospital and my mom came back to mine and Tim's apartment. We had to wait for an autopsy to be done on Tim before arrangements could be made. I soon was told that I had no rights in the matter of Tim's final wishes once again because we hadn't been married. Tim had told me what he wanted in his funeral, because we started talking about it when we went to Tim's aunt's funeral. Tim told me he didn't want his body to be viewed, and he didn't want people to pray. Tim wanted people to listen to music he liked, eat food he liked, and talk about happy memories they had with Tim. His mother is a morman, and she didn't care what Tim wanted. She had a viewing, in a church and throughout the whole process showed me how little she knew about her own son. She left me out of his obituary and called me his "friend" in the program handed out at the funeral. She didn't know what he did for a living or what his dreams were, she didn't even have recent pictures of him. She buried him back in the town he was born in, which is a very bad neighborhood that he worked so hard to get out of. I feel like he is very upset that he ended up back there so far away from me and our apartment.
Tim's mother is now trying to take all of his things out of our home and away from me. She thinks I hogged his things and now she is trying to make it seem like he was never in my life. We were going to be married this upcoming summer. We were so happy. We had our perfect daily routine. Tim loved his job and he even got promoted. He had so much talent and now I am alone in our little home that I can't afford now without Tim because we split expenses. I don't understand why this happened. I love him I would do anything for him, we were finally happy and now I am dead inside.

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Apr 03, 2013
My soul mate passed away 3 weeks ago
by: Anonymous

I just wanted to say, the man that i loved so dearly had a massive heart attack! Nobody knew he had hardening of the arteries. He was only 51. I'm having a very hard time with this. All I can do is cry. I spent 12 years with this wonderful man. He was ripped away from me, I'll never be the same.

Mar 14, 2012
by: clarissa

i was readin your story and it made me cry, it sounds so familiar to mine, my husband, i called him we were 2gether 3years, and living together, just had a baby on april fools day 2011, he died so suddemly in our bed, i awoke to get ready for work< i work the night shift, was 910pm I got up to tell my job i would be late and got the baby and got him changed and a bottle and was gon lay back down and looked at him and noticed thru the light from the alarm clock he was layin wiht his mouth open, and i put my hand on his chest and he was not breathing, so I jumped out of bed and walked around to his side and turned the light on and seen him lifeless, i was in shock! I knew he was dead but i still shook him callin his name tryin to wake him, I yelled to my older son "hes not breathin" and he ran into the bedroom and said check his pulse, I said he's dead call 911 and this was on dec20, 2011. Such a hard day for me and my boys, we split all the expenses also. The paramedics tried everything they could and came into the living room where we were and told us there was nothing more they could do and they were sorry for our loss, it breaks my heart right now thinkin of that night, everytime, anytime!!
he had some older children in new york and since we were not legally married and i did not have money to cremate him they sent for him and now hes in new york, i know he was with us at the time of his death and spent 3good years with us and we were happy!! I dont know if this helps you but i do hope you find some comfort, and find the strength to keep goin!!! it is so hard i know, and i hope and pray all the best for you!!

Feb 29, 2012
by: Anonymous

I recently lost my husband as well in a similar way. We had been together a total of 3.5 years- married for 15 months. We have a baby girl that is 7 months old! He was the person I had searched my life for and was finally happy. both of us had been through turmoils, trials and tribulations But when we found each other everything was perfect and we just knew everything we had been through was worth it and we would do it again if we knew we would get the same result! he had been sick with a cold for about a week before he died and had been sleeping in the recliner to keep from coughing so much. Saturday morning, Jan, 7 started out Normal for us. the baby woke up and I fed her, he was still asleep in the chair so she and I went to lay back down. he got up and came in the bedroom and was playing around, cutting up with me and talking to our daughter. he went back in the living room. 30 minutes later my life changed in a split second! he came n grabbed my arm, mouthed to me he couldn't breathe. I told him to sit down in the floor and try to stay calm. I called 911. he waed to the front door and opened it collapsing in the floor. I gave him cpr and chest compressions over and over and over again. they took him to the hospital where he was pronounced dead- heart attack. He was 26. it has been almost two months since I lost him! most days it seems as though he is coming back but I know better. it is a daily struggle with my emotions and most of the time Idk how to feel but I can tell you what has helped me more than anything has been the Lord, Jesus Christ. I know u said you and tim believed in science but I can tell you I know the Lord is up there and He hears ours prayers. I know because when my husband died I asked the Lord to let me know that he was in heaven by sending me a sign. I asked him during a specific time frame to send me a rainbow in the sky! it had been pooring down the entire day and it was supposed to rain all day long- thunderstorms and all, I kept searching the sky for the rainbow and in the midst of the rain, the Lord gave me my rainbow, the clouds broke and there it was! Honestly, without Him I don't know how I would make it. The Lord gives me strength and brings peace to my heart. I found this Bible verse in 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 and it says ' Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances for this is God's will for you that belong to Christ Jesus.' That verse lets me know that even though I don't know what the future holds, good or bad, the Lord does! As much as I miss my husband, my Best friend, my daughter's father, this was God's will, not only for my husband but for my daughter and me. I try to focus on the good things that happen each day... my daughter's smile, her laugh, the kind words of a friend. New relationships that have formed. God has chosen to give me another day to live... so Be joyful!

Feb 20, 2012
I am so so sorry
by: Steffy

You wrote on my blog, thank you for the words.

Both Cody and your boyfriend were 21 years old, its not fair to be taken from this wold so young. They both had so much to live for.

I know that boy Cody and Tim Died loving us, they died thinking about us because we were their world.

This pain does not go away and wont go away for a very long time. Life does not make sense at this point.

Tim and you were suppose to get married Cody and I were suppose to be parents together.

Life right now has no meaning, and I know you do not have children with him but you will always remember him.

I am truly thankful for the past 6 years that I have known Cody and for the past 4 years I have been with him, He left me pregnant and I will do my best to make sure his son knows how great he was.
Cody was my everything, he was my husband, my best friend, Evern though we were young I know I had found my soulmate and will never be able to replace such a great man.

please if you need to talk, Talk to me, we are both young and are both in alot of pain, Its been hard to find someone on here who has lost someone so young my email is if you want to talk so more.

Sleep with tims favorite jacket or something that smells like him, it will make him feel close to you. I sleep with codys sweater every night.

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