my pain won't go away

I was with someone that I loved deeply for 10yrs. We lived together, him, I and my daughter. When my daughter went away to college, my boyfriend broke up with me. I barely can remember that time...we lived together another year and it was awful and sad. I left because I could not afford what use to be my house anymore. I packed after living there for 17yrs and moved into an apartment. I don't know how i did it....all I remember is crying every single day, for hours. It's been 3yrs since I have moved,and moved again, and all of this is still a blur. I am so sad and still cry often. I often think of suicide. My daughter has just moved to South America where she had studied. She is happy and good and that is wonderful, but I feel alone. I cannot date, I want to just stay in my house and never leave. I just eat and sleep. I work, but miss alot of work. I will lose my job if it continues. My life is .... nothing. the man I still love has moved on with his life. I am having such difficulty with the idea that one day you can be a family and the next it is all gone. I feel i have nothing, no hope, no joy. My daughter is still loved by him, but I am not. He loves everybody, but not me. I was not good enough. I was starting to show signs of depression before he broke up with me. I felt him drifting away...was that the reason for my depression or was my depression the reason he drifted away? Was it because my daughter was going away to college that I was becoming sad? Either way, I felt he should of stood by me, but he did not. Now he is with someone else, different kids, new family....My daughter seems to be a part of that and I feel left out. I am jealous, petty. I feel my daughter looks down on me in some way,,,for my weakness. I become upset that she still cares for this man, who hurt me so and then I feel happy that at least she was not as hurt by the breakup as she could of been if he had just up and left both of us. I live in constant conflict, grief, depression, anger and is getting worse for me, not better. I don't know what to do anymore. Therapy, antidepressents- they are not helping and I have been trying for so long to get better, be the person I use to be...I can barely remember her. I can't love, be loved, or feel love. Empty. I don't know who I am anymore.

Comments for my pain won't go away

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Jun 28, 2012
by: me

How good it feels to have others write you with compassion and great advice. I thank you all for reading my story and taking the time to write back....I keep reading each response over and over...thank you all kindly.

Jun 27, 2012
My pain won't go away
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Brokenhearted,
I am sorry for the loss of relationship with your partner and also for the loss of your daughter moving away. You have a right to grieve. You are hurting so much. If therapy is not working then find another counsellor till you get the right one. Try a bereavement counsellor. Your depression has probably gotton worse because you are unable to resolve each stage of loss. Each stage of being let down.
It will probably feel like an act of disloyalty with your daughter still being liked by your ex-partner and not you. With your daughter still being in relationship with your partner and not you. This pain is the worst. I know how you feel to be treated so badly by your EX. I am going through the same situation but only with my adult children. It hurts like hell and I just feel sometimes like moving away and becoming a missing person. Not contacting anyone. In fact people go missing all the time. And I can understand why. Life isn't fair. You will ask yourself questions e.g. What have I done to deserve to be treated almost with contempt. It will probably hurt a lot for a long time. It is hard putting new people in your life. Don't let the break up make you doubt yourself as a person. See it as your partners loss. Often in years to come a partner may want to visit the old haunts and when their boat is rocked they want to go back in time. Just make sure that he doesn't use you for his benefit. You will look forward one day and see this as a blessing to be free of the hurt and pain. It is much harder to know he is enjoying his life with someone else. You feel abandoned. Forsaken. lost in never never land and wondering how you can get back to how you were. It will happen but sadly it takes time. I hope that you will have better days ahead and find someone special that will change your world for the better. Best wishes

Jun 27, 2012
The Cure Is In You
by: Judith in California

I fell your desperation and need of help. When you say you can not do something that you can physically do then you are Self-Limiting.
You can and must make up your mind to become the best you can be .
It is important that you stop this spiraling out of control. You control you and set the limits on when to stop something you know is not good or you like missing work such that you will get fired. You need to eat, pay bills, and keep a roof over your head. YOu have to muster up the strength and character to make life good to show your daughter how strong she should be. Set an example. It is a choice to be weak as much as it is to be strong.
YOu deep down know what you must do. Suicide is not the way and it would cause your daughter so much pain for a long time . You don't want to do that to her She needs her mom to be strong and be there for her . Don't drag her down. You lead by example. Keep God in your life and talk to him as you go through your day showing him you are not wasting the gifts he has given you.

Jun 27, 2012
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your pain. You do not mention GOD in your story. He does have a plan for you. I understand your loss & pain and I cry every day too. My Tony died unexpectedly...he was my everything too. Please reach out for help to get through are worthy...find a new focus and HELP someone in need. I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers to find peace.

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