my pain won't go away
I was with someone that I loved deeply for 10yrs. We lived together, him, I and my daughter. When my daughter went away to college, my boyfriend broke up with me. I barely can remember that time...we lived together another year and it was awful and sad. I left because I could not afford what use to be my house anymore. I packed after living there for 17yrs and moved into an apartment. I don't know how i did it....all I remember is crying every single day, for hours. It's been 3yrs since I have moved,and moved again, and all of this is still a blur. I am so sad and still cry often. I often think of suicide. My daughter has just moved to South America where she had studied. She is happy and good and that is wonderful, but I feel alone. I cannot date, I want to just stay in my house and never leave. I just eat and sleep. I work, but miss alot of work. I will lose my job if it continues. My life is .... nothing. the man I still love has moved on with his life. I am having such difficulty with the idea that one day you can be a family and the next it is all gone. I feel i have nothing, no hope, no joy. My daughter is still loved by him, but I am not. He loves everybody, but not me. I was not good enough. I was starting to show signs of depression before he broke up with me. I felt him drifting away...was that the reason for my depression or was my depression the reason he drifted away? Was it because my daughter was going away to college that I was becoming sad? Either way, I felt he should of stood by me, but he did not. Now he is with someone else, different kids, new family....My daughter seems to be a part of that and I feel left out. I am jealous, petty. I feel my daughter looks down on me in some way,,,for my weakness. I become upset that she still cares for this man, who hurt me so and then I feel happy that at least she was not as hurt by the breakup as she could of been if he had just up and left both of us. I live in constant conflict, grief, depression, anger and hurt....it is getting worse for me, not better. I don't know what to do anymore. Therapy, antidepressents- they are not helping and I have been trying for so long to get better, be the person I use to be...I can barely remember her. I can't love, be loved, or feel love. Empty. I don't know who I am anymore.