I don’t know where to start. I guess from the beginning.
My father died at 46yrs old and I was just a young boy of 12. I have two brothers that were 15 and 8 at the time. I was very close to my father and loved him dearly. He was a Doctor and very well respected. I was the first of my friends to have a parent die. It was devastating for me as most children when they lose a parent. I went through the years trying to understand why he was taken from us instead of others but came through just realizing that he was gone and there is nothing I could do about it. The harsh reality set in. Every time I would see a movie where a child runs up to his father and call him Daddy, without even a reflex, tears just start to roll down my face. It’s the weirdest thing as to how very sensitive I am to the loss of my father. I try and forgive him for leaving when I know it was not his fault but I have difficulty getting past this. I am also 46yrs old now with three young boys of similar age and the reality of my mortality scares the hell out of me. I feel that I have not been the best father to my three boys and always tell them I love them, especially before I go to sleep at night. I worry that it might be the last time I see then and vice versa. If I start to tell them how much I love them, they see me getting teary eyed and want me to stop and leave. I need help and don’t really know where to turn. I think my feelings of abandonment are so deep that I can’t get out of my own way and it keeps me down from succeeding in life and being a better parent. I have had advice from friends that I need to tell my father how I forgive him for leaving me and it was not his fault and come to the realization myself that I need to move on. I just can’t. I’m trying but can’t. It affects me with my children every day.
Any advice on how to move forward even after 34yrs?