My Pain

by RO
(Florida)

I don’t know where to start. I guess from the beginning.
My father died at 46yrs old and I was just a young boy of 12. I have two brothers that were 15 and 8 at the time. I was very close to my father and loved him dearly. He was a Doctor and very well respected. I was the first of my friends to have a parent die. It was devastating for me as most children when they lose a parent. I went through the years trying to understand why he was taken from us instead of others but came through just realizing that he was gone and there is nothing I could do about it. The harsh reality set in. Every time I would see a movie where a child runs up to his father and call him Daddy, without even a reflex, tears just start to roll down my face. It’s the weirdest thing as to how very sensitive I am to the loss of my father. I try and forgive him for leaving when I know it was not his fault but I have difficulty getting past this. I am also 46yrs old now with three young boys of similar age and the reality of my mortality scares the hell out of me. I feel that I have not been the best father to my three boys and always tell them I love them, especially before I go to sleep at night. I worry that it might be the last time I see then and vice versa. If I start to tell them how much I love them, they see me getting teary eyed and want me to stop and leave. I need help and don’t really know where to turn. I think my feelings of abandonment are so deep that I can’t get out of my own way and it keeps me down from succeeding in life and being a better parent. I have had advice from friends that I need to tell my father how I forgive him for leaving me and it was not his fault and come to the realization myself that I need to move on. I just can’t. I’m trying but can’t. It affects me with my children every day.
Any advice on how to move forward even after 34yrs?

Comments for My Pain

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Mar 07, 2013
My Pain
by: Anonymous

part 2 R O I don't think just telling your father you forgive him for leaving is enough to sort out your feelings. It is not that simple. You have as you say abandonment issues. And I believe a counsellor will address these issues and you will be amazed at how quickly you move beyond these feelings.
My husband had abandonment issues and I understood this and how it limited his life. My husband didn't understand counselling and so he just lived with this. He missed out on healing and a greater happiness in his life. You are right. All these feelings are holding you back from living how you want to. If you get the right counsellor and you move forward in counselling, It won't be long before others will see the difference in how you feel and relate. You will become a happier person. You will relate to your children in a way that will benefit them at this young age. My children were in their late teens to late 20's and I still did counselling. The best thing I ever did for myself and my family. I am now 64yrs of age. I got my life back. So can You. It is never too late to do something about our life issues. You can make a difference in your own life and your families. You will also move better through life and perhaps open doors that were closed to you. You will know what I mean later in your healing. Just like I lost my husband it was hard to see other's with their husband's. Other's on this site have expressed the same feelings. Like you did when you saw in films children running up to their father and hugging him. At the age your father died you still needed nurturing. You lost this and it has left a wound in you. This wound now needs to be opened by a counsellor. Explored and Healed. You won't know how good you will feel till this happens. I have done this and I know it WORKS. Best wishes.

Mar 07, 2013
My Pain
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

RO,
Such a touching story. You were so very young to lose a parent, especially as a boy, your dad.
Always remember your dad didn't want to die, none of us do. It is a part of life. The sad thing is some of us go way too soon.
My mom was 50 when she died from breast cancer. It is going to be 37 years this June 25th. I was was married on June 26,1965, she died 11 years later the day before my 11th wedding anniversay. I was 29 with 5 young children, the youngest 3 months old.
Turning 50 was hard for me, because that was the age she was when she died. I still miss her. She knew she was dying, but asked God to let her see all my children be born. She was granted that wish. She battled her cancer for 11 years.
April 30th,2006, my husband and I found my dad, sleeping forever in his recliner at home. He died in his sleep from a massive heart attack. He was 83. I miss him still. The worst happened on June 27,2011, the day after our 46th anniversary. At 12:10 a.m., My husband sat on the side of the bed, asked me to get him something to drink, took two sips, put the glass down, his head went down amd I didn't realize it at the time, but he was dead from a massive heart attack.
My life changed that day. Part of me died with him. I know he did not want to die either, but that is the one thing in life we don't get to pick or choose, our last day on this earth. I truly believe my husband, as your dad are in heaven. From the books I have read, published by those who had near death experiences,none of them wanted to come back down to earth. They all say how beautiful it is there. We have to wait our turn to really find out.
The day my husband died, part of me died. I miss him so much and everything about him. He told me everyday he loved me. You sound like a very loving father and your dad is very proud of the man you have become. That is all we can do is keep our loved ones gone before us proud. Showing your sons tears, may embarrass them, but please keep telling them you love them. What a beautiful memory you are establishing. My adult sons kiss me and give me a hug when they leave and tell me they love me. They didn't do that when their dad was alive. When they call me on the phone, their last words are I love you. My adult daughters do the same. I so cherish that. My sons-law also do the same. It is amazing how ones way of thinking goes after the death of someone very close to our heart.
When someone you love dies, you never quite get over it. You just slowly learn how to go on without them, but always keeping them tucked safely in your heart.

Mar 07, 2013
My Pain
by: Doreen U.K.

R O You are not that unusual to feel the way you do. You were young at the time and perhaps repressed a lot of your grief. You can't get at it now to try to resolve your feelings. It matters not that you are an adult now. The damage has been done. I was like this. At the age of 40yrs. I was so repressed I couldn't go on anymore with life so in time I got an excellent counsellor. I spent years in counselling and It was painful and expensive and the best investment I made. I got my life back in ways I can't explain. Such a liberating experience. In counselling I resolved my losses in life. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 10 months ago from a deadly cancer and I nursed him for over 3yrs. If I did not have counselling in the previous years I may not have coped so well.
Your Grief may have been frozen at the time of your father's death and you couldn't grieve at that time and so your grief went underground. You are at the correct age for this to happen now. I made mistakes with my 3 Adult children. They ended up with lack of confidence. But when I did the counselling I related in a way that benefited the whole family and they would have been healed also from my daily interaction within the family. Don't lose hope of your situation. I know what you are going through and how you feel. Stop talking to other people who may not be able to help you. Your grief over the loss of your father is pressing for resolution and only a skilled counsellor can help you here. Because of the painful way you are feeling you are beating yourself up for not being the father you think you should have been. Don't compare yourself to anyone. We are all individuals. You are a unique person and the way you are feeling now is affecting your children. You are not going mad. And you are not a bad father. You are just a very broken man in Pain who needs a lot of Love, Care, and support. You are hurting in a way that is hurting your children and they can't bear to see you like this and they can't help you in the way you need. Also include God in how your feel. Keep a journal and write down all your feelings. This also helps put perspective on how you feel and gets things out of your system. Best wishes and write back and let us know how you are feeling and what is happening in your life. We Care

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