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My Partner, My friend, My one true Love

by Connie Cochran
(Halethorpe,M.D.)

It's been a little over a year since I lost Mike. It was February 12, 2010. He had been sick for two weeks during back to back blizzards. We thought it was the flu. He was finally feeling well enough to go back to work. We had a wonderful day together. We shoveled more snow, went to the store, ate dinner and laughed together. We went to bed at 9:30 as usual and little did i know that at 1:30 a.m. I would wake up to a noise that I had heard a few years earlier when my father was dying. I turned the light on and witnessed what no one should ever have to see. I called 911 and woke up my sons to help. The ambulance came but I knew it was too late, but my heart kept saying this wasn't happening. The ambulance drove slowly to the hospital that is very close to our home. Although my son was annoyed at their speed I told him it was due to the icy roads knowing all too well what the lack of sirens meant. My pregnant daughter came to the hospital and I had to tell her that her Dad was gone and watch her drop to the floor.

I was 18 when I met Mike. He was a blind date and love at first sight. He lived in NC and was visiting his friend in Maryland. We had just the one date and he went home to N.C., told his parents he was getting married, packed his bags and moved to Maryland. We were married a year later. We had three wonderful children and three beautiful grandchildren that he simply adored. He passed at the young age of 52, just a few weeks shy of our 32nd wedding anniversary.

This last year has just gone on around me and I don't know where it has gone. I am doing the best to raise our 15 year old son but it's been so difficult. It's hard to function. No one knew me better than Mike. We were one. We did everything together. I miss him more than I can describe. I tried antidepressants but they just made me numb. I need to cry sometimes and the medicine wouldn't let me. I felt like I was going to explode so I stopped taking it.

Tonight I had a major melt down. I miss him and I can't imagine my life without him. This is not how it is supposed to be. I need him. I'm not ready to be mom, dad, decision maker and everything else that comes with being a single parent. I'm so lonely for him. This is so unfair. I had to watch my grandchildren waiting for their grampy to come home and then watch their confusion when we said he wasn't coming back. My heart is forever broken........

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My Partner, My friend, My one true Love

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Yeah...Me Too !
by: Deenie

Yes, I'm a grieving widow too.
I was lucky enough to meet my love at the age of 12. I knew the moment our eyes met...and I hoped and prayed for years to become his wife. At the age of 25, that happened and we were very very blessed to have 30 years together. My darling fell off a ladder and the internal bleeding couldn't be stopped. He died peacefully on a morphine drip in the ICU a few weeks later.

It's been ten months that he's gone and I'm simply amazed that so much time has passed. I'm amazed that I, who didn't want to live not one moment beyond him, has actually managed to wash myself and get dressed.

It's true that people simply can't stand hearing me talk about him anymore. They think it's time I "moved on" and started dating. I get all kinds of advice.

I know that my husband was the one and only one for me...and I for him. We were the best of teams. There was nothing we didn't tackle together. He was handsome and sweet and smart and kind and generous...but, that is NOT to "saint" him. He wasn't perfect and neither am I.

The point is, he was a gift, as your husband was your gift. We are the fortunate ones. We have loved and continue to do so. I thank God profusely for having had such a great companion.

I hope you can strengthen your bond with God. Desire to hear from God as much or more than you desire your loved one. Perhaps God will then have mercy on us and make our existence here easier, purposeful and, in my case, the sooner it's over the happier I will be to be reunited.

You see, I still have a bad attitude, because, obviously GOD has another idea and fighting against that is NO thanks to Him for the great gift he afforded me. What did I actually deserve?

Ultimately I have hope that we shall be reunited...with no memory of any sadness or badness.

I'm glad you tossed the pills. Just cry when you feel like it...and don't you worry about what anyone else thinks. They don't pay your bills.

There are a few quotes I repeat over to myself that help me:

"GOD IS WITH ME HELPING ME."
and
"I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME".

Bless you, dear woman. Keep your head up and know that you will get stronger everyday and make your husband, who's certainly allowed to watch every once in awhile, very very proud of you.

ENCOUMENT
by: Anonymous

IM SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LOSS. MY ONE TRUE LOVE PASSED AWAY 14 MONTHS AGO I STILL MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY SOMETIMES I LOOK BACK TO THAT DAY AND CANT BELIEVE IT HAPPENED BUT I THINK OF THE GOOD MEMORIES OF DANIEL I KNOW HES WITH ME EVERY DAY IN SPIRIT LOSING A SPOUSE IS VERY HARD TO DEAL WITH BUT WITH GODS COMFORT IM DOING OK THERE ARE MOMENTS AND DAYS THAT ARE HARDER FOR ME THEN OTHERS BUT I KNOW HES IN HEAVEN WAITING FOR ME SOMEDAY IM SO HAPPY HE WAS A CHRISTIAN MAN HE WAS ONLY 35 YEARS OLD AND WE WERE MARRIED 7 BLESSED YEARS AND THAT I CHARISH. WHEN MY LIFE ON EARTH IS OVER AS IM JUST PASSING THOUGH ILL MEET HIM AGAIN PRAISE THE LORD. EVERY 7TH OF EVERY MONTH I NEVER FORGET SOMETIMES I HAVE A VERY BAD DAY AND OTHER TIME I WATCH THE TRIBUTE VIDEO OF HIM AND CRY OR I GO TO THE PLACES WE ENJOYED TOGETHER AND THAT IS SOMETHING TO ALWAYS CHERISH TO WE HAD NO CHILDREN AS WE ALWAYS WANTED BUT GOD KNEW BEST AND THEIR WAS A REASON I GUESS BUT I WISH I HAD A CHILD WITH HIM BUT WE BOTH HAD PROBLEMS GETTING PREGNANT BUT I HAVE SEXUAL DREAMS WITH HIM ALOT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH IM STILL GRIEVING TOO GOD IS OUR ONLY HOPE MY FRIEND ITS NOT THE PILLS GODS OUR ONLY ANSWER. GODS BLESSINGS!AH

I feel your pain
by: Lois/from Iowa

I am 70 and lost my husband of 50 years plus together. He was 72, we were lovers, friends and partners. I have his pictures on the fire place mantel, I talk to him, cry to him, I sometimes can't stand the pain, He had lung cancer and died within 2 months, I brought him home from the hospital and he died 2 and 1/2 weeks, I had hospice help but was not told he was getting ready to die. Having medical training I took care of him, but he wouldn't eat much or drink. I saw him just wither away. I long for those younger years when we were so happy together, I plan to go to counseling as I just can't stand this. I have friends and relatives but they say they don't want to impose. I am so glad I found this site.

The Love Never Dies
by: Patti

It's only been three months for me so right now I'm still having more bad days than good. I attend a grief counselling group. Every Sunday night I return with renewed hope and strength which last me until about noon on Monday. The least little thing will set me off. I think about my life before he died and that's what I want again. I know it isn't going to happen. I do the best I can but most days are just dark and dreary.

We all have those melt down days. I think the best we can do is hope that those days become less and less.

I try to keep my faith in God and know that he has a plan for all of our lives. Grief is the price tag on love. The more we loved the higher the price we pay in our grief.

I will pray for you and all of us who are grieving on this site. Blessings to you.

my partner, my friend, my one true love
by: jules

Connie - I fully endorse all that M.M had to say - take it at your pace - there is no time limit on grief - I will miss my darling husband for all of my life, no matter what happens in my future - but if you can share your ups and downs, on this site, or with close friends, it really does help.

I found that after a while, people, family and friends did not want to talk about it - they had moved on. But they did not lose their right arm, their support, their closest love - they can't know how I am feeling - losing the one person you chose to be with for life, and who chose you, has got to be one of the worst things that can happen in life - you feel as if you have been cast adrift, floating, things just go on around you, and you are not really connected to them.

But you will survive - the people on this site for instance, have a lot of wisdom and knowledge and compassion to share - come here often, it will help - you will also get to help others with your words and encouragement.

Remember - every day - one step, one breath
take care
jules

Your partner, friend and true love
by: M Mack

Connie,

I know your heart is broken and how you feel. Time does get away from us and no matter how long time passes, you're loss is still inside of your heart. You made the right choice to stop the antidepressants. They only muddle your thinking and block the reality after a while. Your best bet is to confront your grief head on. We all know the feeling of these circumstances, watching your love of your life leaving you, suffering, and dying right before your very eyes. Some on this site have even suffered a loved ones death by suicide...misunderstood deaths. We are all in so much grief, different levels and stages. One thing is sure, we are here for each other all the time. It takes time and layers of skin need to grow. We get tuffer and learn to deal with things we never thought possible. I am amazed at myself after what I've done since I lost the love of my life. Everything that happened, how did I go through it? I did it though and now I know I can get up in the morning, work and do what I need...some days more, some less. I may be slower than the rest of the world, it's my grief and I am taking a day at a time. I'll give his clothes away, read his cards when I need to, look at his things as long as I want and not worry about when it's time to put his stuff away. What I'm trying to say here is....take the time you need to grieve, be with yourself as much as you want and give yourself the time to cry and vent. We are all here to listen. My prayers for you.

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My Partner, My friend, My one true Love

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My Partner, My friend, My one true Love