My partner of 32 years

by Ellen
(Brick, New Jersey)

On June 6, 2011 I lost my partner of 32 years. She was with me thru the good and bad things in my life and always stood by me. When we came together 32 years ago we could not be public about it since we were both female. My 2 young boys loved her as much as me and she loved them as her own. We went thru many hard times and a few times it drove us apart for short times but we always found our way back to each other. She was only 56 years old and had several medical issues over the past year and only this year had heart problems. One month before her sudden death the cardiac MD said her condition was stable. Then on June 6 after leaving her for a hour at home I came home to find her in cardiac arrest. All I can say about it being at home was her dogs were with her and they got to say good bye. The were strangely calm when I came in and I think they knew she was at peace. As for me I am not a peace , there are days I scream at her why did you leave when I was not here ! Why did you hide those cigarettes ! I always ask myself if she lied there suffering or did she die right away. How do I come to peace with this ? She had lost her Mom and Dad years ago and had a brother she had made me promise never to call if something happened (so I have not) Should I call him ? This is eating away at me and don't know what to do. I had contact with her Aunt but had to stop answering the phone because she did not want me to with her last funeral.

Comments for My partner of 32 years

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Nov 08, 2011
Partner of
by: Angel

I am sorry for the loss of your partner. I, too, recently lost my life partner of 14 years. She died of a pulmonary embolism at home, so there wasnt any time to be able to save her. I was there when she went into full cardiac / pulmonary arrest. I just wish I had known that she was gonna go when she did. I would have kissed and hugged her and told her I loved her one last time. Instead, I had one hand holding the phone with the 911 operator and the other hand holding her head back to keep her airway open until paramedics could get to the house. The days are ok, its the nights that get me and the first wake up of the day. Its the sinking in of knowing she isnt there beside me to face another day (in the physical world anyway). I hope you will be able to find peace and healing. Sending you healing energy of light and love, and lots of hugs too.

Oct 23, 2011
Thank you
by: Ellen

Thank you for your kind words. Yes I know she is with me in sprint and some days are better then others (which I know is to be expected). I have cut the ties with alot of people that have told me that "I can not accept the fact that she is gone". When they are ready to accept it I will be here and easy to find since I lived in the same home for 22 years. In the days and weeks following the death I did not allow myself to grieve and remained strong for others now is the time for me. If that sounds selfish then so be it. Thank you again.

Oct 23, 2011
Your grief Your way


My Love died without me there also. Sometimes I think that they knew it was their time and did not want us to remember them in such a way.

As far as the family, it sounds as though they were traditional sticks in the mud and did not realize that love comes in all ways and that you guys had that kind of Love. So You do what you know she wanted.

I know that My Love did not want people gawking over his body but wanted to remember him laughing, his kindness, the hard worker that he was. The wonderful husband brother and friend he was to everyone he came in contact with.

To the horror of his Ex and society (I guess) Family came to my rescue in my time of need within the week. We ate (well they did I had no appetite) laughed remembering the things he did the wonderful man he was.

I got calls and inquirys when the memorial would be, I told them we had/or are having it, a private get together for friends and family and they were welcome to stop by any time.

Do not let anyone tell you how to run your life, her death or your grief. It is all so very personal and all of us work our way through grief in a different way. One breath one step at at time

Oct 23, 2011
Your Precious Life Partner
by: Cookie


I am sorry for your loss. You were not gone that long so I don't think she suffered long if at all. Sudden death is just that. The Lord chose that day, the way, and the time. You were not supposed to be there.

It's not easy when we don't get to say goodbye. I have experienced it twice, and I will forever regret not having had that opportunity. Don't blame yourself. It's comforting to know she had her animals with her. They comforted her. You can count on that. That is the precious part of your story.

I am still going through those emotions as my Mom passed in June 2011. I went home for an hour and she suddenly died from something other than what she was in the hospital for. You are not alone.
My blog is under "Poster Children for Tragedy" if you want to read it. This site has helped me to grieve and engage with others of like similar.

Since you were life partners she expressed her wishes to you as to her funeral, family, and I would respect that. She wanted it private and you carried out her wishes. Don't regret it. You did what any loving, caring, faithful partner would do. She had her reasons and you must accept that and so must her family.

Don't worry about her people. Sounds like they didn't honor her in life so don't worry about it. Just disconnect. I know you are trying to hold onto her through her people but she's with you in spirit and will always be in your heart. No one can take that from you.

As for hiding the cigarettes she was trying to send you a message and you know what that is. Just take it day-by-day, hour-by-hour. You will be ok. The process takes along time. I wish you love, health, and happiness again someday.

May God bless you and keep you in his care during this tough time, Ellen. Hugs and prayers.

Cookie in Virginia

Oct 22, 2011
im sooo sorry
by: holly

for your loss.. <3 may god be with you.

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