My partner of five years is cheating on me again. I feel lost.

by Jace
(Utah, USA)

I have been with partner for five years. We celebrated our five year anniversary in August of 2014. We have lived together for four years. In August of 2013 I discovered by accident he was cheating on me. A friend and I were looking at ads posted on craiglist in the "casual encounters men4men" section. My friend and I have looked at these ads in the past to have a good laugh. I was shocked to see two ads that had been posted on August 15th 2013 the day after we celebrated our fourth anniversary. The ad's included nude pictures but the face could not be seen., I knew it was him. . I recognized the room where he had taken the photo and I know what my partners body looks like. I didn't tell my friend tthe ads were posted by my partner but he knew something was wrong because I was acting different. I discovered my partner had been chatting with other men on two dating websites as well. . I found emails, text messages and photos he had exchanged with other men on his laptop. I didn't confront him right away I was scared to confront him about what I knew. Our relationship at this point had become strained. I was in a car accident on February 25th 2013. I was seriously injured in the car accident. I was rear ended on the interstate by a young women speeding through traffic and she hit my car. She rear ended my car going 95 miles per hour. She was killed I had a broken shoulder, broken ribs and my brain was bleeding internally. I recovered from the physical injuries but I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury. My partner stood by my side as I recovered. But we both had a hard time dealing with the brain injury. A few months after the accident my partner told me on several occasions he missed the "old me" the pre car accident me. He told me my personality had changed due to the brain injury. He told me he wasn't sure how he could help me recover. He became distant emotionally and I know I did as well . I felt depressed, angry, and anxious I learned these were side effects caused by the brain injury. I waited until October of 2013 to ask him if he was cheating on me. He told me he had cheated and it had only happened once. I knew he was lying because I had gathered a lot of evidence. I knew he had slept with more than one person but I didn't say anything. He admitted he had been unfaithful. I felt as long as he admitted he had been unfaithful I didn't need to push the issue any further. . He begged me to forgive him. He said he had cheated because he was lonely and didn't feel attractive because he had gained a lot of weight . He told me he was scared to tell me how he felt and was worried if he told me the truth it would make me feel more depressed and anxious due to the brain injury. He said chatting with men online and posting ads on Craigslist made him feel attractive and he enjoyed the attention from the men he was chatting with online. I was devastated but we patched things up. He said he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I forgave him. I told him if I caught him again I would leave. Things seemed to get better.
I wanted to trust him but after a few months I felt something was wrong. I discovered he had created new profiles on the websites he had used in the past. He also posted ads on craiglist again. I didn't know what to do. I still don't know what to do. I recently graduated from university in May of 2014 and I started a new job in August of 2014. Whenever I am work he is posting ads on craiglist and chatting on dating websites again. I haven't confronted him. I'm scared too. I loaned him $9.000 to help him get out of debt and he promised to pay me back. I got myself in debt again while I was looking for a job. I feel so stupid and used for loaning him money. I feel trapped. I want to confront him but I'm afraid. I know I should leave him and move out but I don't make enough money at this point to move out and find a new place to live. I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I don't have a lot of friends. I told my friend about my partner cheating on me and that we had resolved the issue and I decided to stay with him. I told him I wouldn't burden him with my relationship problems in the future. I feel so alone now. I have no one to talk to. My parents live two hours away from me and moving in with them is not an option. I feel so lost. I'm unhappy but I act as if nothing is wrong even though I feel sad and empty on the inside.. I gave up my own home, my friendships to be with my partner . We have a dog that I'm attached to. My partner owns the home we live in. I have made it my home also. I feel that leaving him now is not an option. I tell myself I'll leave when my debts are paid. I tell myself I'll leave when he starts to pay me back. I know I'm making excuses. What do I do? How do I get out of this mess. I compliment him, pay attention to him. I do everything I can to be the best partner I can be. I feel like it's my fault he is cheating on me. I can't stand the thought of being intimate with him. I wonder who has been in our bed while I'm at work. I feel deflated, ugly, depressed. I feel like it's all my fault. My self confidence is gone and I have no self esteem. I just wanted to write down how I'm feeling. I'm feel so alone. Thanks for reading my story.

Comments for My partner of five years is cheating on me again. I feel lost.

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Oct 10, 2014
My partner of five years is cheating on me again. I feel lost.
by: Doreen UK

Jace I am so sorry to read your post of all the unhappiness you are facing from your partner of 4yrs. who openly admitted he is cheating on you. He is in a privileged position because he owns the home you both live in and he has a measure of control you don't have.
I am so sorry for the accident you had that has left you with a brain injury. This is as you say when things began to change between you both. I can't understand why people can't be honest and up front early in the relationship. Either of you would know when something is not quite right with the relationship. There are emotional patterns that is hard to avoid. At least you are both mature enough to know that this is wrong and made every effort to patch things up. But somehow I think that you both are stuck in a relationship that is not working. Your partner is making you feel the way you do by his actions. Self-esteem issues are the first to suffer. My son is in a similar situation. His wife owns the home and if she can't stay friends with her EX she kicked my son out of HER HOME 5 times. He loves her to pieces and now pushed to the edge when he discovered an email from her to her EX on her laptop opened. Found by accident. She took her EX on holiday. The EX is not working and she is looking out for his needs. My son feels like the outsider in the relationship. He left her last week and she sweet talked him back. My son knows his wife needs him for the money he pays her and she wants to increase his contributions to her mortgage she set up so she is in control. My son has seen the light. Had enough and planning to leave if she doesn't commit to counselling, and doesn't change her ways. He will move on with his life. She has pushed him over the edge and now losing respect for her and the marriage.
If you can afford counselling then take this support to enable you to see what is going on and how you can move forward from this relationship that is not working. You are being hurt, betrayed, and stripped of your self-esteem. Start building yourself up emotionally which will help you to heal and do the right thing. Move out and move on with your life and don't waste years with someone who won't respect you or your relationship. You don't deserve to be treated with contempt. You have invested 4yrs. and may invest more years only to find that you are one day asked to leave. Put your needs first now. Living with a brain injury is hard for you and for someone you live with who may become frustrated and not know how to handle these changes.
My husband had ENCEPHALITIS in 2005. he suffered a brain injury and had short term memory problems. I loved him through this. He became a different person and I in many ways lost the man I married. Married 44yrs. He died 2yrs. ago of a serious terminal cancer. I loved the bones of this man and cared for him for over 3yrs. of the cancer journey. I loved him in life and death. For better or worse. In sickness and in Health. Till death did us part. Don't let your brain injury limit your life. You will one day find someone who will love you for who you are. You can find happiness again. Just don't FOCUS on your brain injury. Don't put your life on hold. You deserve to be happy. Best wishes.

Oct 10, 2014
Find yourself
by: Judith in California

Jace, you must stay true to your word by leaving. He will continue to do this to you. It's not about you. You ae fine this is HIS issue. He feels this and he feels that. Well let him feel those things alone. He hasn't asked you how you feel since you are the one who was in an accident. Oh yeah, he stood by you for a little while but then became selfish and thought of only what he was missing. You've had enough bad things happen physically . Please don't add emotional bad things as well. Your partner will continue to emotionally upset you as well as break your heart. Your life is important. He has proven what his character is. Please know you deserve better and you must move on to get it.
The first time is shame on him. The second time is shame on you.
People will treat you the way you allow then to.

Oct 10, 2014
self love
by: Anonymous

You are worth more than this. Take care of yourself like you took care of him and increase your self esteem. He will not change, so he is not worth it.

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