My partner of five years is cheating on me again. I feel lost.
I have been with partner for five years. We celebrated our five year anniversary in August of 2014. We have lived together for four years. In August of 2013 I discovered by accident he was cheating on me. A friend and I were looking at ads posted on craiglist in the "casual encounters men4men" section. My friend and I have looked at these ads in the past to have a good laugh. I was shocked to see two ads that had been posted on August 15th 2013 the day after we celebrated our fourth anniversary. The ad's included nude pictures but the face could not be seen., I knew it was him. . I recognized the room where he had taken the photo and I know what my partners body looks like. I didn't tell my friend tthe ads were posted by my partner but he knew something was wrong because I was acting different. I discovered my partner had been chatting with other men on two dating websites as well. . I found emails, text messages and photos he had exchanged with other men on his laptop. I didn't confront him right away I was scared to confront him about what I knew. Our relationship at this point had become strained. I was in a car accident on February 25th 2013. I was seriously injured in the car accident. I was rear ended on the interstate by a young women speeding through traffic and she hit my car. She rear ended my car going 95 miles per hour. She was killed I had a broken shoulder, broken ribs and my brain was bleeding internally. I recovered from the physical injuries but I was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury. My partner stood by my side as I recovered. But we both had a hard time dealing with the brain injury. A few months after the accident my partner told me on several occasions he missed the "old me" the pre car accident me. He told me my personality had changed due to the brain injury. He told me he wasn't sure how he could help me recover. He became distant emotionally and I know I did as well . I felt depressed, angry, and anxious I learned these were side effects caused by the brain injury. I waited until October of 2013 to ask him if he was cheating on me. He told me he had cheated and it had only happened once. I knew he was lying because I had gathered a lot of evidence. I knew he had slept with more than one person but I didn't say anything. He admitted he had been unfaithful. I felt as long as he admitted he had been unfaithful I didn't need to push the issue any further. . He begged me to forgive him. He said he had cheated because he was lonely and didn't feel attractive because he had gained a lot of weight . He told me he was scared to tell me how he felt and was worried if he told me the truth it would make me feel more depressed and anxious due to the brain injury. He said chatting with men online and posting ads on Craigslist made him feel attractive and he enjoyed the attention from the men he was chatting with online. I was devastated but we patched things up. He said he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I forgave him. I told him if I caught him again I would leave. Things seemed to get better.
I wanted to trust him but after a few months I felt something was wrong. I discovered he had created new profiles on the websites he had used in the past. He also posted ads on craiglist again. I didn't know what to do. I still don't know what to do. I recently graduated from university in May of 2014 and I started a new job in August of 2014. Whenever I am work he is posting ads on craiglist and chatting on dating websites again. I haven't confronted him. I'm scared too. I loaned him $9.000 to help him get out of debt and he promised to pay me back. I got myself in debt again while I was looking for a job. I feel so stupid and used for loaning him money. I feel trapped. I want to confront him but I'm afraid. I know I should leave him and move out but I don't make enough money at this point to move out and find a new place to live. I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I don't have a lot of friends. I told my friend about my partner cheating on me and that we had resolved the issue and I decided to stay with him. I told him I wouldn't burden him with my relationship problems in the future. I feel so alone now. I have no one to talk to. My parents live two hours away from me and moving in with them is not an option. I feel so lost. I'm unhappy but I act as if nothing is wrong even though I feel sad and empty on the inside.. I gave up my own home, my friendships to be with my partner . We have a dog that I'm attached to. My partner owns the home we live in. I have made it my home also. I feel that leaving him now is not an option. I tell myself I'll leave when my debts are paid. I tell myself I'll leave when he starts to pay me back. I know I'm making excuses. What do I do? How do I get out of this mess. I compliment him, pay attention to him. I do everything I can to be the best partner I can be. I feel like it's my fault he is cheating on me. I can't stand the thought of being intimate with him. I wonder who has been in our bed while I'm at work. I feel deflated, ugly, depressed. I feel like it's all my fault. My self confidence is gone and I have no self esteem. I just wanted to write down how I'm feeling. I'm feel so alone. Thanks for reading my story.