My Pillow

It has been six months and it seems like yesterday. I have taken one of my husbands favorite shirts and put it on his pillow. I sleep with it every night. I have the last shirt he wore on a chair in our bedroom. I miss him so much the pain is horrific. People tell me it will get better. How can it get better if he isn't here. I try not to cry in front of people and I am getting better at that. But when I get to our empty house the dam breaks. It is so hard to be strong. Because I really am not. Even when people are around I feel so alone. He was my rock - He was my everything and now he is gone. How do I go on without him.

Comments for My Pillow

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Nov 02, 2011
by: Zoe

I lost John 19 months ago. I sleep with one of his work shirts in our bed under his pillow.
At 19 months I can tell you that the pain does not get better, but it is different. At some point (different times for each of us) your mind starts to allow you to survive in the vacuum that becomes our life. Time moves you forward, life moves you forward, eventually you face forward. It does not mean the missing is any less, but it is more survivable. I still cry, from my soul I cry. But I can also smile, sometimes.
You are at a very very hard time right now. The numbness that comes with the immediate part of death and loss has worn off, there is more awareness, more rawness. Unfortunately, it is part of grief, we must all live it, even though it feels as if our skin has been flayed away. These are pains we have never known, and could never be prepared for.
Cry when you need to, scream if you must. but be greedy with your grief, no one can tell you how and where to live it or survive it.
I cannot speak to the future, because I no longer look at the future, my future was with John. But I can tell you that that raw screaming pain does, in time become survivable, not better, but survivable.
as always when it is at it worse remember
one breath, one step, one day at a time.
Come here as you need to, we are always here, we will always listen.

Nov 02, 2011
by: Anonymous

My husband died April 15th and I still wrap up in the blanket that was on him the night that he died. I'm still unable to sleep in our bed and have made my bed the couch in the living room. I can go into our bedroom and get dressed and use our bathroom but just can't sleep in the bed. So I understand about the pillow.

I feel when I'm wrapped up in his blanket that he has his great big arms around me and is telling me that everything is going to be OK that he's there and that he loves me.

But then I have to get up in the morning and face reality. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get on with living or even that I want to.

Thanks for your post. It makes me realize that I'm not the only one in this club.

Mar 09, 2011
A favourite shirt...
by: Maxine

I love your story about his shirt and the pillow. I did a similar thing and wondered if others did that.

When my Graham passed I needed so much to smell him so I got one of his dirty shirts and put it next to my pillow. I don't know if I could ever wash it, although I'm sure the scent has faded and will fade even more in time. But I have held it and cried into it so many times I guess it has been washed with my tears.

He was a farmer and I loved the smell of the earth on his clothing.

Jan 25, 2011
My pillow
by: Mari

I am so sorry. I know you are going through a lot of pain. Six months is not a very long time. If the pillow brings you comfort it is fine to cling to it. I do the same thing.

You need healing time. And it is lonely to be in the house at night without our loved ones. Healing is a gradual process and is a bit different for everyone. Stay close to the Lord and keep posting as there are wonderful people on this board who really care. It has done me good to be a part of this board. We are here for you.
I have 2 pairs of my husbands pajamas and a silky long sleeved shirt of his. I have his pictures, so many pictures and memories.

The nights are the hardest. I have a CD player and sometimes put on Christian music real low and cling to my husbands pillow. Someone said to hug the pillow. I often say,''Why God?'' But he was very sick and God took him. I try not to think about it but at night when I am alone it is hard.

It just takes time to really feel better. day by day. There have been so many times I have cried in front of people and alone. It is natural to cry when you are sad. Just take a day at a time. I hope you have family and friends for support.
Keep posting. I pray for God to bring you comfort.

Jan 24, 2011
by: Zoe

Nights are always the worst
I still put some of his aftershave on his pillow so I have the smell of him
It has been 10 months since John was taken from me
Easier would not be the word I would use
Routine falls more into place you will find times when it does not slam you as hard
I do not subscribe to finding normal I think you find a way to survive and for each of us it is different
We do not accept we adjust
There is no time frame there is no ending except for those things you need to survive
For me that was working to pay bills
It is what pushes me to move otherwise I would lay in our bed
Writing helps coming here helps
Here you can say what you cannot say in front of others
Know we are here we will listen no judgment
We understand
One step one breath one day at a time

But know we are here for you

Jan 24, 2011
Feeling Close
by: TrishJ

I kept my husband's Ralph Lauren robe. My children bought it for him for father's day one year. He wore it a lot (in the hospital so much) and it just has that familiar feeling to me. When it came time to dispose of Joe's clothing I just couldn't let the robe go. I don't know if I'll keep it forever. Yesterday I looked at it and cried for two hours. It's sort of like a security blanket right now I guess.
I'm just two months on this journey of grief. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better. I'm not feeling that at all right now~the nights are the hardest. I hope and pray for strength to carry on.

I hope your pillow is bringing you the comfort to so very much need right now. Hugs and blessings.

Jan 24, 2011
His Pillow
by: Judith

I like you feel so lost. And I still go around the house to find clothes he wore and smell them just to get his presence back. It kills me too and if some people don't like it then I wouldn't want to know them anyway. IT's between you, your love and God and to hell with the rest..

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