My Precious Bria
October 16th: I had to have my Keeshond, Bria put to sleep yesterday. I knew it was the best thing for her because she had been in such incredible pain on and off for two weeks. I gave her the medicines the Vets had prescribed and she did get a wee bit better for a few days, but then she started having more pain more often and just laying around in first one spot then a few seconds later another. I sat with her for many hours holding her, stroking her and talking to her, telling her that I would do all that I could to ease her pain. The night before last she was almost screaming in pain so I had to give her a morphine tablet. She calmed down then and relaxed. She crawled into my lap and relaxed more. The pain of losing her was like feeling a fire flare up in my heart and spread out over my chest causing my eyes to tear up and spill over uncontrollably. I’ve cried so hard that my whole body ached from the process. Bria was a constant companion for 13 years. We played together, ate together and cried together over each day’s events. It feels like a part of my soul has been ripped away leaving an open wound.
I feel my life is a total wreck right now. I have experienced a great deal of loss in the last 18 months. It began when my cat, Nikki walked out the backdoor one day and never came back. I don’t know what happened to her. Then my house was burned to ashes with all of my precious memorial items in it. Bria and my two new kittens, Chelsea and Coco and I got out just in time. There was no time to save anything else, nothing. Then four months later my brother, Mason died from throat cancer. I had been taking him to his doctor appointments and treatments everyday for 8 months. Because of the fire, I have had to move 6 times before landing here in this rental property. Now, my precious Bria is gone and I just don’t feel I can go on for much longer. I am healthy and I have no health problems, but I just feel like my very being has been burnt to a cinder and unlike the proverbial Phoenix bird who thrashed its way back to life after having been burned to death, I don’t have that kind of energy in me anymore. If I do have it, it is very faint indeed.
It has been less than 24 hours since Bria was put to sleep, and I know grief is a long process, but at 66 years of age I am so tired of loss, so very tired. I can’t see any future right now and I haven’t been able to see any future for several months.