my Prince Charming...the love of my life
I lost the love of my life on August 27, 2011....6 days later on September 2, 2011, our 16th wedding anniversary, I laid him to rest! :( My heart has been shattered into a million pieces! My husband, Lloyd was 82-1/2 years old when he passed away....I'll be 50 in December! He was a cradle robber! We met when my Mom started playing piano for the gospel quartet he sang in and I was their groupie. We were soulmates....he was my Prince Charming and he always told me I was his dream girl! I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks since he's been gone. :( I feel like I'm in a slow motion nightmare. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer almost 4 years ago and 9 weeks of radiation. I guess after his radiation we thought he was well. His doctor never had him come back for a followup. January 19, 2010, hubby picked me up from work and we met my parents for dinner. When we got out of the car hubby said his back was hurting...he thought maybe he'd pulled it. I asked him how long it had been hurting and he told me about 2 or 3 weeks! MEN! I don't understand why they think they have to be so tough when it comes to pain or being sick. Anyway...the next morning I had to go to the doctor for a bad cold and I told hubby to call his doctor to see him that afternoon. His doctor scheduled him for a ct scan on the next day, Wednesday, and gave him a prescription for darvocet for the pain. I gave him 3 pain pills in 13 hours and called his doctor the next morning and told him how bad his back was hurting. His doctor told me to take him to the ER to have the ct scan done because there was something going on that needed to be checked. After spending all day in the ER and lots of tests, they told us hubby had a spot on his 10T vertabrae. They couldn't do a biopsy because the spot was too close to his spinal cord but because of his previous diagnosis of prostate cancer they were certain it was prostate cancer returning in his spine. That was the beginning of our freaking out last year! It took the doctors 5 days to get hubby's pain to go away....I felt so sorry for him and so helpless! I stayed right by his side for 8 days and nights while he was in the hospital....I wish now that I had quit work then to spend the next year and a half with him. Hubby began 20 treatments of radiation for the next 4 weeks which wiped him out....he was so weak he couldn't even dress himself! A few weeks later hubby called me at work on afternoon and said he was having really bad chest pain...he said he hadn't had pain like this since he had to have a triple bypass 26 years ago. I called 911 and met them at home. I can't remember what they called his heart problem this time but after 6 days in the hospital the got him fixed up with medicine and we got to go home. A few weeks after that his heart doctor did some blood work and discovered that hubby was anemic and had too much fluid on his body...so...back to the hospital we go for 3 days for 2 units of blood and they drained off 4 liters of fluid from hubby. Hubby felt much better after this hospital visit and his pain was under control....his only problem was being tired more than usual, but he went back to driving and piddling around the house and yard. The only treatment hubby had was hormone therapy once a month....and my doctor put me zoloft to help with all my freaking out....life was pretty much back to normal...or so we thought :(
In December 2010 three days before Christmas the doctor had hubby do another ct scan....we didn't get the results back until after Christmas but they showed no disease in his body! YAY and PRAISE THE LORD! Hubby continued with his hormone treatment and I continued to work! Life was pretty good!
In March this year the doctor ordered another ct scan because hubby's psa level had increased :( This time the test showed several spots on hubby's spine and 2 or 3 spots on his right skull! We freaked!!!! Hubby immediately asked the doctor if it would go into his brain and make him crazy and the doctor assured him it wouldn't. Hubby continued on his hormone therapy and continued to get weaker and weaker. I quit work at the end of May to stay home with him and take care of him...he was so very weak and it broke my heart that he had to stay home by himself and couldn't do the things he enjoyed. I took him on his last fishing trip to Colorado with his oldest daughter and her family and he loved it! I'm so glad I insisted he go...he didn't want to be a pain to anyone, but I told him I would take good care of him! He told me later that he was glad I insisted we go fishing! This thought makes my heart smile now even in the midst of its brokenness! We also went on a little trip to my Aunt's house for a few days and he had a good time there too....this was our last trip together! :(
there are very few moments in a 24 hour period that I feel like I can't breathe...I miss him so much! I feel so lost and empty and crushed! I told him earlier this year that I wasn't freaked out but that I was very sad. Little did I know just how sad I was going to be! :(
My Mom and I have taken a trip to see our cousins in Alabama....I love my cousins but I'm still having trouble sleeping and most of the time my head feels like it's a big fuzzy blob and my body is just along for the ride! I've never felt such sadness in my whole entire life...such emptiness! :(
My family and friends pray for me constantly...they prayed for my hubby too! I always new that he would be healed in heaven and not here on earth.....it still doesn't help my sadness.
We made 16 years of wonderful memories...actually 25 years....I had lots of fun being a groupie for 10 years and some of the guys in the quartet are still our very good friends! I pray eventually it will get easier for me to breathe without feeling so very sad!