My Princess Deshla Beau

by Jay
(New Zealand)

My Beautiful baby girl Deshla Beau was taken and given her angel wings on the 18th September after fighting so hard to live for 11 days in the Pediatrics Intensive Care Unit . She was 2 years old,4 months.
She was fine one day and running about being an active little toddler and then 24 hours later I was in hospital holding down my baby while they put tubes and medication in her. She had developed Pneumonia and also a bacterial infection that had started attacking the lungs.
I keep blaming myself for what has happened, I’m her mummy,I was meant to protect her from everything but this time there was nothing I could do. Deshla had no symptoms apart from a chesty cough but as soon as I had got her to the doctors she stated getting worst and the call was made to be taken to hospital, then straight into re-suss and then into ICU and that night was put on life support….she never woke up again. It breaks my heart that the last words she said to me was mummy cuddles?! I gave them to her but I was in tears and she had never seen me cry before. I am a single mummy who raised Deshla alone so I was always trying to be a happy mummy even when times were hard. I gave my baby girl everything but it still wasn't enough.
My angel had been a perfectly healthy baby and was growing into the most beautiful little girl with a very infectious personality who could make even the grumpiest person smile. Deshla was perfect from day one, she was born on her due date and was very ahead of her years and such an old soul. My baby is my world and we did everything together,she was my reason for living and that has all been taken away from me,it doesn't seem fair. Im 26 years old and have already been a single mummy and now lost a baby,life is cruel.
I stayed in the hospital by her side for the whole 11 days…….that whole time I thought she was going to be okay and be in my arms again. It was a rollercoaster of good and bad news, I was told she was improving and then not improving, I never knew what to expect.
On Monday morning I had decided to go for a walk around the hospital at 5am when my phone rang and it was the doctor telling me to get to the ward as Deshlas oxygen was dropping. They did an emergency procedure to remove the air and fluid from her lungs but I was told to ring any family and friends to come and say goodbye. My daughter survived that operation and overnight. At 6am on Tuesday the 18th September they told me my baby had brain damage and that she had gone and it was only the machines keeping her here and I had to decide when to turn them off(this was because she was now on a blood thinning machine which caused bleeding to the brain).
I decided that I would turn the machines off at 10pm that night. The day passed in a blur,I wanted to be sick,I wanted to run,I wanted to die and not have to go through this but I stayed strong and had Deshla blessed and everybody came and saw my baby to say goodbye. That evening I went upstairs and had a shower and sorted myself out to prepare myself to say goodbye to my whole world.
At 10pm the machines were shut down, the room filled with an echoing silence even though it was full of family and friends. The doctor placed my girl in my arms on a reclining chair and I held her till she took her last breath. I felt the moment she passed away and the doctor then confirmed the ugly truth. I crumbled. I held my baby so close to me and said how sory I was that I failed and that I loved her. I stayed awake all night with Deshla and organized her funeral. The hearse arrived at 4am and I carried my girl down to the car. The hardest thing ever.
They say time makes it easier to deal with, for me it only makes it harder and its only the beginning.
I have had a portrait tattoo done of my baby so I have her forever with me.
Mummy always loves you Deshla Beau, You’re my whole world and always will be.

Hope this makes sense, have been crying the whole time x
Deshys mummy x

Comments for My Princess Deshla Beau

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Jun 07, 2013
Deshla Beau
by: Lindsay

Deshla Beau was a beautiful, beautiful child with a sparkle in her eyes. Your story was written so eloquently. I have a granddaughter that I hold regularly, and I cannot imagine life without her. I really felt pain as you described holding her as she passed. Horrendous pain has you gripped right now, but will lessen over time. It will never go away, but the crushing pain will lift. Find a hobby, and remember your daughter for the beautiful, loving, funny child she was. Nobody can ever take that from you. When she comes to your mind think of something she did or said that contributed positively to that special little person she became. Think of experiences you shared, especially the feeling she gave you whenever she snuggled with you. I wish you the best.

Jan 15, 2013
To our babies
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry for what happened. I lost my baby to although I only got the chance to feel her in my stomoach for nine months I always wonder how she would've been. What would her giggles sound ? How would her cute voice be ? How beautiful her cry would sound? And it kills me to know that I'm not alone that there are so many parents out there crying over there babies who have left us. I see these children and I know people think they know how hard this is but they have no idea how this pain cuts so deep. Yes it hurts to lose people but nothing like your children. We see them cry and all we want to do is hug them and tell them it's ok that we're here for them. I'm trying to get through this my self some days I feel like I'm perfectly and then I realize I'm slowly dying inside. The path seems far to long and I hope and pray we make it through. Take care and know your little girls is watching you .

Nov 12, 2012
My Princess Deshla Beau
by: Anonymous

My heart feels your pain and knows that there is no loss greater than the loss of your child.

Nov 12, 2012
by: Jay

Thankyou all so very much for your kind words.....nice being able to relate to people who know what I'm going through. I am taking it one day at a time and there are times when i feel like I am going to pass out from the over whelming feeling off emptyness and sadness buuuut I try to put on a smile because I know my baby is near me and wouldn't want her muma to be a mess. Love to you all x

Nov 11, 2012
My Princess Deshla Beau
by: Doreen U.K.

Jay I am sorry for your loss of your baby Deshla Beau. Life is so very CRUEL. We are losing our loved ones at a high rate these days. It is hard to cope when you lose your child. You need to see a grief counsellor so that you get the correct support you need to get you over this bad time of Raw Grief.
Even one day at a time feels so hard to do and yet this is all we have. There is no pain like the pain of grief. It is like a slow hemorrhage. You must not hold yourself responsible for having failed somewhere. This is part of grief to feel like this. We feel a deep sense of desperation that causes us to look for answers. We keep searching and searching for what we could have done better or differently. Yet there is often nothing that one could have done. I would say OH! If only my husband did not work with Asbestos he would not have developed this deadly lung cancer which was inoperable, incurable, and aggressive, and claimed his life 6 months ago. Those days of waiting are CRUEL. You feel as if you have been stung by something so devastating that you can hardly breathe and you feel as if you won't recover. Every day after this is PURE HELL. Coming to terms with what has happened yet still not fully believing your loss. For me now every day of grief is a wasted day when I only half live. I don't have the energy to fight my grief, or to do anything with it. It just unfolds and fills me with the worst pain ever.
Jay you sound as if you are on your own and have no one to support you or just be with you through these long hard days of sorrow. You need to try a counsellor. You won't regret this. There is some Pain that is just too hard to handle on your own.
May God wrap his loving arms around you and bring you the Comfort you need, and to bring you into a more Peaceful place with your grief.

Nov 11, 2012
Deshla Beau
by: Lynne

Your story broke my heart. The same thing happened to my 30 year old daughter last February. I too held my daughter as she took her last breath. Coincidentally, she left a 5 year old daughter named Beau.

We share the same pain although I had my Jessica for 30 years. I wish you had Deshla Beau that long although there is NO good time to lose a child. It is the most brutal pain in the world.

This will be a long path to walk. There will be times you think you are recovering and then times when you honestly feel like you won't live another moment. I don't know what to tell you except be very patient with yourself and take it one day/one hour at a time. I still am.

I wish I could hug and comfort you. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

Nov 11, 2012
Beautiful Baby Girl
by: Anonymous

Your story breaks my heart. I will pray for you. I hope that, as you walk this journey that no mother should ever have to walk, you will turn to God for comfort. I have learned through my loss that He is the only one who can truly pick me up when I'm down on the ground. Know that turning from God and falling into a pit of despair is exactly what the enemy wants. I have to remind myself of that each and every day, including today when I could barely get myself out of bed. I want to be reunited with my love and so I will continue to fight. I hope you do the same. God bless!

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