My Princess Deshla Beau
My Beautiful baby girl Deshla Beau was taken and given her angel wings on the 18th September after fighting so hard to live for 11 days in the Pediatrics Intensive Care Unit . She was 2 years old,4 months.
She was fine one day and running about being an active little toddler and then 24 hours later I was in hospital holding down my baby while they put tubes and medication in her. She had developed Pneumonia and also a bacterial infection that had started attacking the lungs.
I keep blaming myself for what has happened, I’m her mummy,I was meant to protect her from everything but this time there was nothing I could do. Deshla had no symptoms apart from a chesty cough but as soon as I had got her to the doctors she stated getting worst and the call was made to be taken to hospital, then straight into re-suss and then into ICU and that night was put on life support….she never woke up again. It breaks my heart that the last words she said to me was mummy cuddles?! I gave them to her but I was in tears and she had never seen me cry before. I am a single mummy who raised Deshla alone so I was always trying to be a happy mummy even when times were hard. I gave my baby girl everything but it still wasn't enough.
My angel had been a perfectly healthy baby and was growing into the most beautiful little girl with a very infectious personality who could make even the grumpiest person smile. Deshla was perfect from day one, she was born on her due date and was very ahead of her years and such an old soul. My baby is my world and we did everything together,she was my reason for living and that has all been taken away from me,it doesn't seem fair. Im 26 years old and have already been a single mummy and now lost a baby,life is cruel.
I stayed in the hospital by her side for the whole 11 days…….that whole time I thought she was going to be okay and be in my arms again. It was a rollercoaster of good and bad news, I was told she was improving and then not improving, I never knew what to expect.
On Monday morning I had decided to go for a walk around the hospital at 5am when my phone rang and it was the doctor telling me to get to the ward as Deshlas oxygen was dropping. They did an emergency procedure to remove the air and fluid from her lungs but I was told to ring any family and friends to come and say goodbye. My daughter survived that operation and overnight. At 6am on Tuesday the 18th September they told me my baby had brain damage and that she had gone and it was only the machines keeping her here and I had to decide when to turn them off(this was because she was now on a blood thinning machine which caused bleeding to the brain).
I decided that I would turn the machines off at 10pm that night. The day passed in a blur,I wanted to be sick,I wanted to run,I wanted to die and not have to go through this but I stayed strong and had Deshla blessed and everybody came and saw my baby to say goodbye. That evening I went upstairs and had a shower and sorted myself out to prepare myself to say goodbye to my whole world.
At 10pm the machines were shut down, the room filled with an echoing silence even though it was full of family and friends. The doctor placed my girl in my arms on a reclining chair and I held her till she took her last breath. I felt the moment she passed away and the doctor then confirmed the ugly truth. I crumbled. I held my baby so close to me and said how sory I was that I failed and that I loved her. I stayed awake all night with Deshla and organized her funeral. The hearse arrived at 4am and I carried my girl down to the car. The hardest thing ever.
They say time makes it easier to deal with, for me it only makes it harder and its only the beginning.
I have had a portrait tattoo done of my baby so I have her forever with me.
Mummy always loves you Deshla Beau, You’re my whole world and always will be.
Hope this makes sense, have been crying the whole time x
Deshys mummy x