My Remmie and me
(West Haven, CT)
I was 20 years old when she picked me. I had always wanted a persian cat and I found a breeder that was reasonably priced and had a good reputation. I remember sitting with the kittens and trying to decide which orange one I wanted (orange being my fav color) when out of nowhere this tiny little silver kitten climbed up into my jacket and started purring away. It was instant love. On Nov 5, 1995 we moved in together and for 17 years and 3 days we shared our lives with each other.
Through moves and new jobs and boyfriends and break ups and whatever life brought me she was my constant love. My comforter in sad times and my celebration companion in good ones. My confidant and my confessor. A wake up call in the morning and a soft purring to fall asleep to at night. My baby. I loved her well and she loved me back just as well. She never judged me or asked for more than I could give. She was the first unconditional love I'd ever known.
She stopped eating. I figured she was just not feeling well (17 is a long time for a cat) and some medicine would help. Of course the thought of possibly losing her was there but not really a reality. She was old but not that old yet. Nov 8, 2012. Two choices: force feed her (which is only a temporary fix and invasive) or let here go. No, no no no not yet please not yet but I promised her when she was a kitten that I wouldn't keep her here for selfish reasons if it was her time. I so wanted to though... I didn't want to let her go. I wasn't ready to say good bye to my best friend and first pet. She was my free spirited girl and never liked to be held for long, but she let me hold her that night. It was her final gift to me. To cuddle and smell her and share those final moments together. I stroked her velvety ears and head as she died. I know it was the right thing to do for her and that it was going to happen one day but why now? Why today? Why us? As I left the vet I felt as if a piece of my heart was left there also. I left that office alone and numb with the heartbreaking knowledge that I would never see or smell or love her again. I left my best friend behind. I had just lost my first love.
The grief is terrible and the tears fall freely. I miss her so much. She always liked to be petted at bedtime. I would always think to myself that I had to be up early tomorrow and should just go to sleep. Then I'd look at her little furry face and say: "One day I'll wish I gave you these extra moments, so get over here kitten and let me love you." It's a small comfort to remember that, but a comfort nonetheless. I can't believe that this is happening. I can't believe how much it hurts. I can't believe that I'll never see her squishy little face again peeking in from the hallway or looking down from her cat condo. The way she stretched and yawned so big when she woke up. How she loved sleeping in the sunlight and rainbows from the prisms. She was perfectly content in our inside world and never yearned for the outside life. Sure she would sleep in the windows and watch the squirrels like all cats do but her home was preferred.
She loved chewing and licking plastic. She's the reason I no longer get plastic bags and bring my own when I go shopping. My green kitten. I miss her presence. I miss knowing that she was around and would come see me when asked. If I was sitting on my balcony she was curled up in the other chair. If I was reading she would be lounging on the arm or back of the chair keeping me company. Watching me as I left our home and right there at the door when I returned. That one hurt a lot... the coming home to an empty house. I've never lived alone before now. I had her when I moved out of my childhood home almost 17 years ago and it has been the 2 of us ever since (relationships aside). I've never gone longer than a week without seeing my girl. The reality of never seeing her again is overwhelming and extremely painful. It's now day 3 since I lost you and the pain hasn't lessened at all. My heart hurts so much. It's empty here... no purp as she purringly jumps down to meet me... no broken meow welcoming me home... no purring background noise and head rubs with my foot while I'm reading... no swats on the leg because she wants attention. The cat with a million nick names yet she still knew her real name when I said it. My booges... my squish... my doodle... my kitten... my rem rems... My Remmie.
I'm having her cremated. I went online and bought an urn for her ashes. The thought that she will still be with me in some shape or form is something I guess. I'm crying as I type this. I don't want her ashes or an urn. I just want my friend back. I want to stomp my feet and scream at the unfairness of all of this. I want to howl with the grief and be angry at death and the universe for taking her from me. I'm furious at no one in particular and sadder than I've ever been in my life so far. I'm also thankful that I had her in the first place and for as long as I did. I'm thankful she didn't suffer in life and that I could be there to say good bye as she left.
So thank you Remmie for 17 years and 3 days of love and friendship. Thank you for picking me to love and live with and take care of. Thank you for a million things both big and small and all the wonderful memories and tales we made together. I will always remember your crazy love of sugar cookies and your sloppiness and drooling when it came to catnip aka remmie crack. How you always tried to climb into the sleeves of any robe or jacket I was wearing. How you licked your nose when I hit your tickle spot and how you would only beg for chicken or pork chops. How you would bat the cat toys back to me when I tossed them to you and how you were the fastest paw in the east when foofing people. How you never bothered the christmas tree or climbed the curtains or stole food. How you were my grumpy old gal to everyone but me. How I would find Remmie hair everywhere and always knew you were with me. How one day I WILL smile without the tears when I think of you and us and our time together. For now, however, I will mourn you and grieve for my loss and try to learn to live without you for the rest of my days. I will miss you and always love you my kitten... forever and a day until I see your furry little face again.